How do you deal with a negative reaction?

Well, I want to begin by saying that it's certainly difficult to deal with un-supportive people in your life — I can only imagine how bad it is to live with as my parents and sister have been accepting — but those people can pass or adjust.

If at all possible, I think it could be beneficial to live away from your parents for a little while, it can help them to see exactly how much you meant to them and can very well help them see past your sexuality. I recently moved from home, and though my parents accepted me it felt a little artificial, and now every time I go home I'm met with nothing but love and deep concern for my well-being.

I think that had in part to do with an old journal they had found and read. It really detailed just how hard I was struggling, and I think that conveyed my emotions much better than spoken word could have ever done. So maybe you could write to your parents; leave them a letter and go out to a friend's house maybe. They would have almost no choice but to read the letter before responding, preventing them from keeping you from actually conveying your emotions.

The entry they read was a letter I was writing to this boy I was crushing on, it detailed how I felt bad for ever making him uncomfortable, I understand that he's straight and I'm gay, how bad I've felt in general about life, and the like. I never gave it to him, but it really let me spill out how I felt. So if you do chose to write a letter, you don't even have to address it to your parents. Write is as if you're writing to a friend you trust, and maybe it would even flow better and convey how you feel even more clearly.

I don't think the sting of being rejected by someone you care deeply about ever really goes away, but it does fade, and it certainly doesn't hurt so much. Honestly, looking back, I really appreciate those who hut me before just because they taught me valuable lessons about who really matters, what really matters, and how to recognize that my self-love shouldn't be based on the love of others. I've come really far from before.

I used to be really depressed (to the point of attempting suicide), but things are much better now. So do remember that things will get better; keep your chin up! I with you the best of luck!!

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!! I didn't know réactions like this still existed nowadays. Especially in London. Omg.

This situation is probably the worst you could get. It's gonna get better for sure. Hang in there !!

Could you confide in your dad and tell him how dépressed and anxious your mom is making you feel ? Or another family member? Or even a psychologist ?
I feel like communicating is really life saving when it gets as hard. Well It was for me. Her réaction is so wrong and so unfair when you re being vulnerable with her. It makes me sick Just thinking about it.

I'm sorry, I'm not a really good writer, I don't have much too add. Feel free to message me if you wanna talk !!

 

Hi Zulu--
I'm sorry it is becoming such an intolerable situation in your house! It is horrible the way your mom is treating you. Especially her pulling behaviors like ignoring you, shouting at you, and making this all about her, how 'she won't live with this for long and you will grow further and further apart,' etc etc.

My mom (and dad but less so) is much like yours. When she found out I was a lesbian it was more about a 'what will the neighbors think' thing, what you 'should' do, what's the 'right' way to live. She made it more about her and more about how she feels this is a 'path my girlfriend led me down'. But not something I would have 'thought of' on my own. Different situation though--I am older, 49 came out a couple years ago and I don't live with my parents. I am not financially dependent on them in any way. Their lack of acceptance has no bearing on my day to day life..and fortunately my other family members are very supportive. I wonder if you also have any family members who are likely to be a support to you?

I am very encouraged by your statement 'I can no longer wait for her to be okay.' That shows strength and the recognition that you are not responsible for her feelings or behaviors.

Sadly, this may not get better until you can move out of the house. It is unlikely she will suddenly come around and accept this. It is more likely she will continue and increase her behaviors as she feels she is losing more and more control. She feels you are making a choice, we know this is untrue, but in her mind unless you 'choose' her path she will probably continue behaving the same way. Fortunately your time living at home seems time limited...you say it's only for the next few months. Is there any way to speed up your move?

In the meantime one way to not let it affect you so much is to continue expressing yourself. Expressing yourself on EC counts, even if it isn't 'real life.' You will be able to share and learn from others in similar circumstances and feel less alone. Sharing with other family members, or a therapist or support group could also be helpful. Also, though you need to keep the peace to some extent because you live with your mom you also don't have to engage in waste of time/ridiculous battles with her. And you can let her respectfully know you won't engage in such conversations. You don't need to justify you being you.

And just one final thought, you mention having depression. Are you seeing a doctor? I understand the use of recreational drugs...and they are often used by people with mood disorders to self-medicate. I am not the moral police on this, but just know that recreational drugs can often be gateway drugs into using much more risky and harmful substances. Just know that effective prescription drugs are available to treat depression and can be prescribed by a psychiatrist and sometimes by your general physician. Taking prescription medication for depression is a personal choice of course, but something you may want to consider.

And yes, things WILL get better. It sounds like you are handling the current situation as well as possible--and my sense is things will get a lot better when you move out.

 

Hi Zulu,

I don't know your parents so I don't know how intolerant they are or will be in the future, and whether a strong anti-gay religious background is involved or if they are just in shock, denial and anger.

Most parents, after some time of adjustment, do come around and accept their gay kids. Some don't. I would give better advice if I knew them. Please remember that your parents sound like they're going through the normal stages of coming to terms with the loss of your "straight" identity. Especially for your mom, the stages of DENIAL and ANGER seem to be present. There will likely be some forms of BARGAINING and GRIEF ahead for you as well until they reach ACCEPTANCE. There's really no good timetable that this happens in, for it's unique for each person.

Try to be patient with them as they continue to process this. Reach out to this community here at EC as time goes on and let us share this journey with you.

Take care. ride:

 

I'm pleased you posted about everything here Zulu. It sounds like a very tense situation at home and you need a safe place to talk about how you feel.

In his reply, I'm gay touched on the parent/family stages of grief, which are explained in a bit more detail here: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief
It does take time for some parents to work their way through the most difficult stages and reach a point of acceptance and your mother sounds like one of those parents, but I do wonder if her hostility is partly a reaction to the drug taking too. Even though your sexuality is not connected to drug use (or piercings ), your mother might be making a connection. In her mind it could be further 'evidence' of you going off the rails. Would you be able to cope without the drugs and persuade her that you are not in the early stages of addiction? If you could do that it might bring her down a little and open up some space for calmer reflection about your sexuality.

This UK based website www.fflag.org.uk is for parents and families of LGBT people and it might help your mother to read some of the resources, look at the book list and even call the helpline. If she can connect with other parents of gay kids, it might help her (and your father) a lot. What do you think?

According to your profile, you are based in London. Is this your precise location or is it the nearest big city that you wanted to disclose publicly? If you want to send me a private message to let me know, I might be able to point you to some local resources for young LGBT people. There are places to turn to, including this forum.

The most important thing is to avoid arguments. If your mother sees you getting wound up or upset it will only make her think that you are unhappy about your sexuality and she will convince herself that you have made a "bad choice" in being gay (even though it's nothing to do with choice). Don't shout or retaliate, because she will dig in even more if you do that.

Don't struggle with all of this alone. We are here to help and offer support.