Howdy folks... I'll try to keep this as brief as I can, but I feel at my wit's end. [CONTENT WARNING: Suicide] I came out to my parents when I was around 16. I've been struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies (as well as a few other mental illnesses) since I was about 12 years old. At the time I came out, I was just beginning therapy, and the conversation with my mom basically amounted to, "Is this the reason you're ill?" "Partially, yes." With a stipulation that I could not tell any other family members, all of which are staunchly conservative and Christian. (Side note: I do not subscribe to any religion currently.) And that was that. It's been almost five years, and I've not gotten a word since. There's no acknowledgement of what's there. Part of me is relieved for the scraps I've been given: that I wasn't kicked out, that my parents still treat me kindly and support me in every other facet of my life. But the rest of me feels... broken. Worthless. Repulsive. The list goes on. I can't help but feel they are disappointed and disgusted at having a gay kid. I love my mom more than anyone on this earth... I've tried to talk to her about how torn up I feel, which is very difficult for me to do, but it just leads to more avoidance on her part. She just repeats that she's going to stand by her religion... which isn't comforting. It just seems to confirm what I feel inside: that I'm intrinsically disgusting and sinful. I have seen a little bit of progress in the both of them, where they seem a little more aware of LGBT issues and tend to err on the side of sympathy despite their conservative values; lately I've been trying to be bolder about talking about being gay to them as well, which they don't shoot down... but. There's no... support. When extended family members are intensely and loudly homophobic, there's no defense, and I'm expected to swallow it-- I could do that better when I was 16, but now just a passing, casually homophobic remark from them sends me spiraling into a suicidal, fragile mess. I have some great, lovely friends, but college has sent us all around the country, and my support network here has really shriveled up as a result. I'm intensely depressed, have been for about two years straight now, and I recognize that I need professional help... but literally every single experience I've had with mental health doctors has culminated in homophobia. My very first therapist reinforced my self-hatred and had me believe it was repulsive and just a phase; my other therapists have waved it off as a non-issue; when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, the doctors and nurses there strongly encouraged I undergo conversion therapy. I live in the deep South, if you couldn't tell... I'm terrified of going through another round of homophobic psychiatry. So I pose a question to the community I've never had the opportunity to really ever communicate with... how do you come to terms with being gay, when you're inundated with opposition? How do you heal when the people you love above all else seem to just... carelessly ignore your struggles and leave you swimming with the sharks? Very sorry for the melodramatic wall of text... I've been chewing on this for a long time.
I'm not sure if I can help but I felt compelled to post. While I appreciate that you live in the deep south I am shock and appalled at the way professionals who should help and support you have treated you so badly. I've been suicidal and felt broken. I'm no longer suicidal tho I've still got a lot of issues about the way I view myself but I believe one day I will become the happy person I deserve to be. You mention college. Is there any kind of lgbt+ support there or any counsellors you can approach? I know it will be difficult but you need to find someone you can trust and talk to. Maybe see if there's anyone within travelling distance that specialises in gender and sexuality. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I really hope things get better for you.
I deeply appreciate the reply regardless. It'd be foolish to think there's an easy solution... it's nice to get it off my chest and find a semblance of a community, in any case. I know that there is an lgbt+ club at my college... right now I'm taking time off for health reasons, and when I go back next semester, I'll be commuting. Campus is an hour away, so I don't know if I'll necessarily have time to participate in the club... not sure about any other support there. I haven't visited the mental health services they offer. I suppose you're right in that I need to look for local doctors who specialize in this sort of thing, or at the very least list that they are open-minded about it... The thought of doing therapy again is very scary, but I guess I need some kind of support, huh. Wish I had a better track record when it came to therapists! But I don't think I can unlearn years of self-hatred by myself.
I understand I had a bad record with Drs but now I have one I can trust and he's the only Dr I'll see as a result. I've had counselling and therapy in the past which didn't help. However finding the right person who you can talk to makes a difference. I'd be surprised if you could when it's been reinforced constantly by your family. But you deserve to find a way to love yourself. I hope that here you will feel able to talk whenever you need to. I have found the members to be friendly, supportive and non-judgemental. (*hug*)
I just wanted to post and respond. I, too, have struggled with bipolar depression and suicidal thoughts since about 11 or 12, and in the last 1 1/2 years I have made 2 attempts. I don't know if it's related to my current questioning but I'm just starting to open my mind to idea that it could be. Anyways, I'm sorry you've been through this; it's a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I hope you can find some support soon. I also wanted to say that since my psych doc retired I went through a round of spectacularly ineffective therapists and I just now got one who is good and is exploring, along with other things, my sexuality with me. So it can pay to keep hitting your head against that wall. I also second the recommendation to check out the campus LGBT+ club; colleges are usually more liberal and the atmosphere should be more welcoming. In fact, if you call them or email them now, explain that you're enrolling in a later term but you were hoping they had some support options they could refer you to, I bet they'd be helpful.
Self acceptance and coming out is a process that we all have to go through and it rarely follows a nice straight path, with no bumps or obstacles. If we have a supportive family and group of good friends, it does make it somewhat easier, but it's still not a 'walk in the park'. So the first thing I would advise is to be kind to yourself and realise that you are in the same place as many members of this forum... some young and some older. It's a journey and it's much easier if you share it and that's what Empty Closets is all about (sharing the journey and sharing the burden). The coming out journey does not begin and end with telling all. The culmination of the journey is telling all and living openly and authentically, with a good amount of stability and personal security. In other words, reaching the same goal as our straight counterparts. You are not there yet, but nor are many 20 year olds (gay or straight). I am 41 now and it's only within the last 5-10 years that I have reached the culmination of my personal journey. Before that, it was very much work in progress. This is why I advise you to be kind to yourself. What do you want from the future? What plans do you have? Where would you like to be in 5 years time? How would you like life to be in 5 years time? Think about these questions and how you will get there, because this is all part of your coming out journey. You know you don't have the freedom to be yourself at home and within your extended family, so look ahead and work towards your goals. It's very easy to be despondent and take a despairing outlook as time grinds slowly on, but there is a bigger picture and I would encourage you to visualise it for yourself. It is difficult when you have parents and family with conservative religious beliefs. For as much as you try to tell them that it's normal and healthy to be gay, they are hearing a very different and manipulative message from the pulpit or lectern of their church and you are in a kind of tug of war against all of that. Organisations like PFLAG www.pflag.org exist to support and advise struggling parents like yours and you might wish to take a look at their website and download some of the resources or check out the book list. Is there a PFLAG chapter in your state that your parents could visit? You can't force them to make contact with PFLAG, but you can signpost them and allow them to decide. In other words, satisfy yourself that you have made every effort to provide them with coping and caring resources. There is no reason for you to feel sinful and disgusting, especially when you don't share your parents religious beliefs. I am an openly gay man who does have religious beliefs (Christianity) but I don't think there is any conflict between my faith and sexuality... and I have researched the subject in great depth. Don't devalue your humanity or identity, because you are a valuable and worthwhile person and we all care about you. The most important thing is to talk about it and avoid bottling up your feelings. When you keep it to yourself the pressure and pain becomes unbearable and that's when the thoughts of ending it all arise. You have a whole forum of LGBT people here and we care. You are part of our community, so talk to us, share with us, laugh with us and cry with us. Together, we can get through anything. If you need to talk, you can also private message.
