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Giving Friend Money

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mcrteenagers, Apr 20, 2009.

  1. mcrteenagers

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    This is starting to bother me, and as much as I try to work the situation out in my head I can't seem to come to a solid conclusion. Hopefully some of you can throw your 2 cents in here.

    First I think I need to describe my relationship with this guy. He's the same age as me, we're really good friends, we've fooled around before, but at this stage in time we're just good friends. I really like him, as in I'd date him in a heartbeat. He knows I have these feelings for him, but it's just not the right time for him.

    His dream is to go to college, and about 8 years of university after that. His absolute dream. He knows what he wants to go, and why he wants to do it. He's determined.

    Long story short, he needs $2500 by July for tuition. It's impossible for him to come up with that money right now. Even if he worked every day it just wouldn't work. Because of what I do and my business, that money is no problem for me. What-so-ever.

    I'm having so many conflicting arguments with myself it's not funny.

    I genuinely want to help him with his dream. It's alot of money, I realize that, and something tells me that he could be offended?? or take it the wrong way.

    I will make clear to him that I don't expect anything from him. This isn't because I have more than friendly feelings for him. I just get the feeling this could really jeopardize our friendship.

    Eek. Help?
     
  2. Maddy

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    If you explain it to him in the same way you explained it to us, I think he'll react better than you might think. If you make these points, I think he'll understand:
    "I'm not making this offer to try to hem you in or to get anything in return. I'm doing it for you, because I really want you to be able to do what makes you happy."
    "If you want, we can draw up and sign a contract."
    "I don't expect you to give me an answer straight away. Take some time to think about it, the offer will stand for as long as you need it to."
     
  3. joeyconnick

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    If you didn't have a thing for him, I would say go for it (if, as you say, it's not that much money to you). But because you have a thing for him, that means it just can't be a neutral thing. You can tell yourself it is, and he can tell himself it is, and you can tell each other it is, but it won't be. Your relationship is already unequal--you're more into him than he is into you--and adding that much money to the mix will just make things that much more complicated.

    So my opinion would be don't do it.
     
  4. Eleanor Rigby

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    If you explain him that you want to do this for him and don't expect anything at all in return, that should be ok.
    The question is, are you really sure you don't expect anything in return ? Are you sure that it is not something you will have in the back of your head and that you won't take offense if in the end, things don't turn the way you hope between you two ?
    You're the only one who can answer that question. Be honest with yourself and hopefully, you'll figure what is the right thing to do.
    By the way, if you decided you want to help your friend by lending him this money, I suggest that you do it a legal way. Have something in writting about the amount of money you'll lend him. It's not only to protect yourself financialy, but also to keep things clean on an "emotionnal level". You'll both know he'll owe you money, and nothing else.
    Take care, Eleanor
     
  5. Kenko

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    Have you ever given him "gifts" before? Even stuff like always buying dinner? Consider whether or not your feelings for him affect it. Maybe you can approach it by asking him if there's any way you can help him, rather than trying to flat out give him money.

    If he wants to borrow money from you (rather than consider it a gift), consider it a gift and never expect it to be repaid. More friendships have gone sour because of failure to repay loans than I can count.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    I'd say don't do it.

    As joeyconnick said, you're hardly going to be neutral in this. If he goes off to college and meets a boyfriend, and skips classes and ultimately drops out, what affect will that have on you?

    And on a more practical note, if he doesn't have the money to go to college now, how in the world is he going to pay for the rest of college and 8 years of university?!? Will you be inclined to pay for next term as well, seing as you've 'invested' in this term?

    If he can't swing it on his own or arrange for student loans, then maybe it's a sign that he should take a year off to earn some money himself. Just my 2 cents worth...
     
  7. mcrteenagers

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    I really appreciate all of your responses.

    Thats the thing that is bothering me. I really do believe that I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart. And I'm believing myself when I say that if we don't work out (in any way) the mere fact that I helped him with his dream is going to leave me feeling good.

    And I'm not lending him the money, it's a gift. He's applying to student loans but for a number of reasons he most likely won't beable to get the money before the due date in July.

    It's obviously a problem that you guys (and gals) cannot decide for me, but I really do appreciate some of the points you made and have given me to think about. This is happening until July, so the answer will most likely come with time.
     
  8. BlakeHarmony

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    That amount of money, to just give as a gift is a little much. If you are really set on helping him out financially, I would do as the others have said, have a legally binding contract... Also, why do you have to pay the whole thing? He could get a job and you could cover the difference.

    I really don't see why he can't just work for a year, get some money, and then go to school though. Just be careful...