Is it wrong to cut your family out?

Re: Is It Wrong To Cut Your Family Out ?

I think there are times when cutting family out of your life is totally justifiable. From what you've written I don't think yours is one of them. You basically say that you are doing it to avoid hurting them. But the fact of the matter is that, unless they are just horrible people, your family will be hurt if you just disappear from their lives without explanation. They just will--and yes I think it would be horribly cruel.

Tell them. Let them react. Maybe it will be alright, maybe it won't. If they react terribly and you can no longer sustain the relationship well at least they'll know why--and will have had a hand in the decision. To be honest the main thing that coming out taught me was that I needed to have more faith in the people around me--start with your family.

 

Re: Is It Wrong To Cut Your Family Out ?

I agree with OGS completely.

I found much more acceptance from my family and friends after coming out than I ever thought would happen. You should give them a chance to show you what kind of people they really are. If they don't accept you, then so be it. At least then you will know for sure.

Take care. ride:

 

Re: Is It Wrong To Cut Your Family Out ?

Hi Liam, thank you for your honesty and I'm sorry you're struggling with your family. I think most, if not all, of us can empathise with that!

However, while I do think there are certain circumstances when it would be best to cut contact with your family, whether temporarily or permanently, I don't think this would be the best course of action in your case. I'm sorry to say it, but your OP didn't come across as particularly lucid to me, and I don't think what you're suggesting is a good idea. You haven't given your family a chance to react - you're assuming that they will react badly, and quite understandably, you're trying to protect yourself from that. I don't know about you, but before I came out, I stored up every slight and every comment that my family (minus my mum - more on that below) had ever made about LGBT+ people in my mind, but then it didn't even matter as they were fine with it. I think sometimes straight people don't even realise that they are speaking in a homophobic way when they are so clearly to you or me.

I agree with OGS in that you can't make the decision until you've come out to your family. It's difficult, I know - it's pretty much the thing that makes us most vulnerable, because homophobia exists, and also because we love them dearly and we don't want to risk the pain of rejection.

One last thing - the first reaction you get from someone is rarely, in my experience, the last. For example, when I came out to my mum in 2013, she was in denial, but now she's fine with it. (I came out to my mum in 2013, and the rest of my family last year.)

Hope this helps, and do let me know if I can help further!

PS: Take care of yourself. Self-care is important!

 

Personally I don't find it cruel. When it comes to your own happiness I think you need to put aside what other people would feel about what you're doing, because it's about you and not them.

 

I disagree with the previous poster. I think you owe it to your mom at the very least to tell her and give her a chance to be accepting before you cut her out of your life. You say you don't want to hurt her, but doing that would be far more painful than finding out that you're gay. If you tell her and she reacts badly that's on her...don't put it on yourself.

 

How do you even know she'll be disappointed in you? Not every parent is upset to have a gay child, even some outwardly homophobic parents change their minds when It's their own kid.

I think you should tell her, and if she reacts badly- then you can go no contact for safety reasons.

 

I think both above posters have good points, and I feel like you should take an in-between approach. It does come down to your happiness in the end, so do what you know is best deep down. I think you should maybe try talking to your mother, give her a chance. It's always nice to have someone there for you that has been there your whole life, you know? However, if you really feel like it's not worth it, then don't do it.

 

You've already read my mind and plan for when I turn 18 & go to uni.
Personally though, if you really feel like they won't be accepting and its not safe for you to come out, then don't. Do what's best for you and makes you happy, but if you do shut them out, then as an adult (18 woo) you'd have to take responsibility for your actions, have you any regrets. If you tell them and then then reject you, you can shut them out. But if you just shut them out blatantly without good cause, you're always gonna wonder, what if... and will never receive the kind of support you only receive from a family.

 

I'm so on the fence with this. Cutting out your family is cutting out such a large part of you I know there has to be some kind of consequence of that. I know if I cut my family out when I was younger, I would be homeless right now.

But the decisions I made for my family caused me to come back to them so that's kind a circle in itself.

Stay close to your mother at least. I know it seems easy just snipping away your family because they drive you crazy (family is supposed to do that), but it will hurt.

Now, if they're making you feel unsafe or are harming you, then we have a different situation on our hands. This seems like distance got the best of things and you don't want to bother them with your identity.

In the end, it's your call. I won't disapprove either way but as long as you thought about both consequences on each side, that's all I can really ask.

 

I would say that for most people, dissapearing from their lives will hurt them more, and keep them wondering why?
You don't know for sure how they will react? Then I would say give it a try... However you feel most comfortable with. Like talking to your mom when it's just you two at home, or even sending her a letter when you are away at college.
If they act like @ssholes and don't show signs of coming around... That is soon enough to cut ties isn't it?

Well that my 2 cents anyway.. We can't decide for you obviously.

Take care.

Luka

 

Liam, before you tell your family you might want to check out the website for FFLAG and make a note of the website address and contact details. FFLAG is a UK charity that exists to support parents and family members of LGBT people - they have downloadable resources and a good book list. Here is a link: Home

Don't assume it will go badly. Coming out to family members is difficult, but it actually demonstrates your commitment to them when you are prepared to take the risk. Maybe you should frame it in those terms when you come out. You are not coming out to hurt them, but to be closer to them by being honest and authentic and it's this new kind of openness that can actually strengthen relationships that have hitherto been strained. Even if they don't react well straight away, they may do so given time. Just try to understand that it's a lot to take in when we come out. If it takes us time to reach a point of self acceptance it may take them time to do the same.

 

Well, it kinda is. You don't have a shitty relationship but more neutral as you describe it. It's basically an act of revenge for a crime they did not commit. How about just telling them? If someone is an idiot, you can select out that single person.

Moving is one thing and totally fine. Breaking contact is something for when you're really abused.

 

You don't need to cut them out of your life completely. But you are allowed to create your own boundaries. Your sexuality is a part of your life that you are entitled to keep private. Experiences you have romantically and sexually are experiences that you have on your own terms, not with your family getting involved.

 

hey liam As someone who did cut his famiy out I have a suggestion. just go and let the chips fall where they may. You don't need to come out to your family. Coming out is something everyone goes through differently. Some guys blast open the closed do with out thought for someone else. Live for yourself not for what other people might judge you. But on the other hand why not trying and get closer to the family members that want to get closer to you.