I'm stuck and need to share my story. Since I was younger, I always loved playing with girls rather than boys. I was never too much forced to partake in typical male activities such as soccer, as I didn't enjoy it at all. 'Too much' as I grew up in an only female environment, with my mom and sister. My parents and I coming from a tropical island where 80% is roman catholic entailed that identifying with an uncommon sexual orientation was always somewhat stigmatised. For a long time, I didn't accept my sexual identity and despised it to full extent. I thought about faking love for women, getting married and having children: I wanted to be 'normal' like everyone else. Recently, I found that I started embracing my sexual orientation and started thinking about a future wherein I would be happy and satisfied and where I would find genuine love. There where times where I wished to die at an early age, so I wouldn't have to go through the girlfriend-marriage-children phase. My self-esteem was extremely low, and I feel it still is. Lately I decided to take my own place, and I'm enjoying the freedom and new friends I made. But I still feel so empty, I feel like I'm keeping something from people, a part of my definition. The moment I realised the beauty of authentic love was when I gained a crush on a guy in my studies. He's openly gay, and seems so confident, content and he's really nice too. However, he's taken so that's a bummer. But he's the first openly gay person I ever properly talked to, and although we didn't touch upon the LGBT theme, he really inspired me and gave me hope. It's just that lately I've been feeling good and awful, it's a constant ebb and flow. I have the best sister ever, and she would never have any problems with my sexual orientation, but I'm still not sure if I should disclose. Probably an overly optimistic view, but I feel like I shouldn't come out as gay, I should come out with love. What I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't be an issue to come out as gay - the emphasis should be on love and not on its composition. I know it's cringey, but I'd like to say 'Hey, this in my new boyfriend' instead of 'I'm gay'. It just feels horrible and I never talked about this with anyone else, but I can't keep it to myself anymore, it's killing me from the inside. I don't know what to do, and I feel so lonely as I don't know much people that are in the same boat as me. I feel like it's a big progression to have disclosed my story with the internet, but this low feeling an low self-esteem is really unbearable. I'm a bit clueless and sad at the moment.
Let me just say I am in a very similar situation myself, so you are definitely NOT alone. I too am in the closet and haven't told anyone of my gay thoughts/feelings. I can 100% relate to the low self esteem and feeling like your dieing from the inside out.. There have absolutely been times where I would rather pass away then have to deal with these feelings, but when I have these bad thoughts I try and remind myself of the happy times in life and how beautiful they felt and how I will get back to that sense of happiness again one day. I don't personally know a single person in my life who is gay and I live in a very conservative town and have grown up with very conservative friends and family. So I know the exact pain of loneliness you are feeling. I think we are both still in the denial stage. Something I have learned on here is there are stages. Denial- Anger- Bargaining- Acceptance This is in no particular order and you can jump from each stage back and forth. I am very lost myself, so if for nothing else, just know you are not alone in the slightest. I would say the only thing I have going for me is my sister is a very open minded person so if i were to tell anybody it would be her first.. This is a very difficult path to be on and one day we will both find happiness. Good luck to you while you figure things out.
springbliss & Anonymous777....Wow! Both of you are photocopies of....ME! With the exception that I am 66 years old and went through hell for 58 years of my life. DO.NOT.LET.THAT.HAPPEN.TO.YOU.... I am very, very serious. I hid the fact that I was gay from the world, and for that matter, from myself for all those years and in the end it nearly killed me. I didn't do anything stupid, but I was at the beginning of a complete mental, emotional and physical collapse before I finally came out...here on EC on Dec. 25, 2014. You can go ahead and look at my posts and read that one if you'd like. I am still not out to very many people but the important fact is that I have accepted myself and some people who are very important to me, know that I am gay. I did marry and have kids and now I have grandkids and they are wonderful...but if I was a young person today...my life would have been totally different. I grew up in the 1950-1960's...you could not be gay (homosexual then)...it just was not an option. So I did my best to ignore it and did what society thought that I should do. No matter how difficult it may seem DO NOT LET SOCIETY DO THIS TO YOU. I know it is difficult...wow do I know...but being who you really are is so much better than wasting your life hiding. OK, my life wasn't wasted...I have a wonderful wife, who I do love very much. She now knows what I have gone through for my entire life and has accepted me and loves me anyway...that is a priceless gift. I have three sons, three grandsons and a granddaughter...they are also priceless gifts. But I sometimes wonder about the "Me" that never got to be. If I could have come out when I was young...what would my life have been like? I am doing so much better now than I was before Dec. 2014....BUT....you do not have to have the kind of regret that I have. Today you can be yourself. Today you can live your life the way you heart leads you. If you can't find someone to talk to where you live, then TALK TO US HERE ON emptyclosets!!! It is so important that you have someone to talk to, to help you through the rough times and to help you find the right path to walk so that you can find happiness! It can happen...I know this because after 58 years of fear, pain and loneliness I am finally able to be myself....at least part of the time ...and I am happier now than I can ever remember! You can be to! You can post a reply here or if you want you can leave a message on my wall.....I will respond.....David
