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Hoping this would help anyone out there.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rin311, Apr 4, 2017.

  1. Rin311

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    About two years ago I posted here about the shitty results of coming out to my parents and how I had to leave home because they decided I should go to a conversion therapy camp. Posting that ended up basically saving my life since I met good people who pushed me in the right direction. I thought a lot about whether I should post the whole story or not... but eventually I decided that if this can help at least one person, it's worth it. And no one here knows me in the real world anyway.
    Warning: this is going to be a VERY long post.

    I grew up in a Christian family. Not mildly Christian or weekend Christian, but daily-Bible-study, church-twice-a-week, non-Christians-going-to-hell kind of Christians. I was a pretty sheltered kid since everyone around me were the same,so of course I believed all those stories. And then came the magical age of 13 when I started realizing I'm totally fucked. I'm fucked because liking guys gets you an eternal stay in Hell and the ire of God. The way it looked like to me I was obviously being tempted by Satan, so I started praying every day, writing Bible verses everywhere and waking up early to go to dawn services. I'm sure you guys would be just stunned to read it didn't help. So I started dating girls. I was not allowed to date before I'm 18 but fuck it, I had a problem to solve. That was another proof that something was wrong with me. Having to think about guys so you can sleep with girls means you're not straight and that was not good.

    I was 14 years old and I knew I was going to hell. I became really depressed and started cutting myself, a situation that didn't really change over the next 2 years. Then I met a guy from school who had a reputation for smoking weed and stuff like that. He introduced me to his friends who were basically the first non-Christians I ever hung out with. Those guys became my family. They didn't care about me being gay, they didn't think I was defective and they never talked to me about hell. I started dating one of them. It was the first time I actually felt that someone could love me even though I'm a defective sinner. I spent every moment I could with him. Unfortunately, he spent every moment on drugs.
    Fast forward four-five months - I was basically getting wasted every day, I would wake up and take whatever painkillers I had and if I had none, I'd smoke weed, and if I had none of that I'd drink. That was the only thing that could keep me functioning and not depressed or thinking about hell. But the depression was still there and I had to use more and more to keep myself functioning.

    Eventually I started thinking about coming out to my parents. I'm pretty sure it was the secret hope that maybe they'll know how to fix the whole situation. And the fact that I never really went rebelled in any way and had no idea where it would lead.
    I knew it was a mistake the moment I said it. Lots of crying and screaming. They forced me to pray for four hours straight while I was crying hysterically because I knew I was going to Hell and there was nothing I could do about it. After that I had to meet our pastor and basically give him a full account of my "deviant thoughts" (imagine being 15 and having to do that). After that I met him every week, until he told my parents that it "wasn't working". So he recommended that I go to some conversion therapy camp overseas.

    That was when I left home and moved in with my boyfriend who was by then doing heroin on a daily basis. I slept a lot and cut myself and then started shooting heroin. No one plans on doing something like that. You do it only when you reach that point where you just don't give a fuck anymore and when getting high and getting some relief is more important than anything else. I got psychologically addicted basically the first time I did it. I have never, ever, felt that good, and I knew that I would do anything to feel like that again. The fact that my parents kept contacting me and making me feel like shit all over again didn't help.

    But drugs never really help when you have problems. It helps for a short while but then it just makes everything worse. You think you can dodge that bullet or you just ignore it but it gets you anyway. And things got worse really quickly because when you feel like trash you treat yourself like trash and let other people treat you the same way. So when the pickpocketing went badly and I couldn't get enough money my boyfriend started hitting me and of course I stayed, because the way I saw it I deserved it anyway. My own parents hate my guts anyway so I can't expect anyone to treat me any different. And because I was such a horrible person, and I deserved to get treated like shit anyway, I said yes immediately when some guy asked me to sleep with him for some cash. It's really easy to make money that way (especially when you're a 16 year old Asian kid). Tons of perverts out there. I've seen/done basically anything you can imagine. A lot of the kids I met there had the same stories - they came out or were outed and got kicked out and ended up on the streets, because where else can you go.

    It was the worse time of my life and I had no way of changing that. Just this endless routine of work, shooting dope, and then doing it all over again, and in between, just sleeping or cutting. I remember it in bits and pieces. When I finally ready to go and started preparing the noose, I decided to take a walk one last time and ended up writing a post which was read by people here. Maybe I decided to live after all or maybe it was God. In any case, I got a reminder of the fact that there are things I can do to make it out of the shit, even though I didn't really believe I would. So I found myself at the GLBT center. They contacted the social services and they got an emergency court order to get me to detox. From there I moved on to a long-term rehab that was occasionally interrupted by getting me sent to the psych ward for a night or two (got diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD) and running away twice (couldn't deal with the cravings back then).

    So in the end I had to look reality in the face rather than run away from it. And reality is this: I'm gay. Nothing I can do to change that. Not prayer, not drugs, not anything. It's just is and I'm going to have to try and live with it and accept it. Nothing else to do. Reality is also the fact that my parents broke that code that connects children and parents, that non-spoken promise to be there for you no matter what. Nothing I can do about that either. Reality is also that this is my past, and as much as I would love to go back in time and change it, this is what I have to live with. Accepting all this bit by bit, and accepting myself for who I am despite the fact that my parents couldn't, helped me start accepting the notion that as much as other people might hate me, I deserve to be treated as a human being. I am not as defective as I thought I was.

    I'm not at the "end" of this whole thing and I don't really know if there is an end. I only know that it's better than it used to be. I've been clean for a while now, stopped cutting and I'm actually starting nursing school in a few months. Still on meds and in therapy though. The pain is still there, but it's not the sucking chest wound it used to be. Someone smarter than me said, "I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be" and I think it basically sums a lot of it up.

    So, general conclusions:
    1. You can't do anything to change your sexual orientation/identity. For those of you who believe in God, this is the way we were made. For the rest of you, it's just ended up happening this way (why? doesn't really matter now). Accepting that saves a lot of pain and trouble. And that also involves accepting that there is nothing wrong or bad or sinful about it. It's just is. This is the way it is, and you just have to live with it. Better do it well rather than torture youself over things you can't change.
    2. You can't control other people. There are people out there who will treat you like shit because of who you are. We can educate, raise the future generations' capacity for empathy, but we can't control the thoughts or actions of other people. Trying to please them and wasting you mental energy on them is useless. It's going to hurt when you realize it. But, there it is.
    3. You deserve to be happy and live, just because you are a human being. You don't need to be straight to "win" that right. You deserve to live a long and happy life just because you are alive. Being not-straight in any way doesn't make you a non-person. Try to treat yourself kindly. Don't allow others to hurt you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you deserve any less. At the end of the day, regardless of relationships or family, you will need to take care of yourself and advocate for yourself. Better start now.
    4. You don't have to take people's shit simply because they're blood relatives/parents. It doesn't make them more "right". And if they are toxic in a way that just can't be fixed, you are allowed to cut them off. It doesn't make you a bad person - just someone with a healthy sense of self preservation.
    5. It's okay to ask for help if you need it. Because you deserve to live well and be treated well, and because you should and eventually must take care of yourself, you should get help if you need it. It doesn't make you weak or spoiled. Just human.

    In the end... we all have choices. I regret a lot of mine, but, this is the way it went. So, hopefully some of this would help others.
     
  2. Chip

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    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm awed by your strength and perseverance and admire the determination you have. While I can't imagine the difficulty you went through in essentially losing your parents, I appreciate the vulnerability you have shared in telling your story.

    I hope you will stick around and keep us in the loop on your continuing progress.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    It's great that you are now in a place where you are able to look back, reflect and post this message for the benefit of others (and I am sure it will help)... thank you! You have been through a great ordeal and even though issues remain it sounds like strength and resilience is returning and you are able to see a way forward.

    I do hope you succeed at nursing school and I am sure you will have bags of empathy for the people you are working with as a result of your own lived experience. Out of the pain, heartache and distress, something very good and beautiful may emerge.

    Like Chip, I hope you will stick around and let us know how things progress from this point.
     
  4. Questions93

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    Hi Rin311,

    Thank you very much for sharing your story. Im so sorry to hear the things that you have been through, but so glad that you are coming out the other side.

    There are many people that are going to take inspiration out of your story (me included!)

    Thank you again!
     
  5. FlowerOfLife

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    Hey Rin311...

    Your story is incredible.
    I admire your strength and hope you will get even more strong and confident with every day.
    I am not religious, but have of course nothing to say against religion itself.

    God loves you for who you are, for who he made you if you want to say it that way:slight_smile:
    And loving is never a sinn.
    Hating someone for who they love, THAT is a sinn.

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
    And it will all get better and better.
    There are so many loving and kind people on this world!!
     
  6. quebec

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    Rin311....It must have been tough writing that post. But thank you, it meant a lot to me. It confirmed so much of what I've thought about being broken and needing to fixed. I'm so glad that you and now I have found out that we are not broken, we are not abominations. We are just as we were meant to be.....David
     
  7. Ushiromiya Red

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    Hello I'm kind of new. I came across this post/thread and I read it. Your situation described in this kind of hits home. While the circumstances aren't quite the same, I'm in a situation where I'm kind of afraid to come out, got real name changed recently, and I'm kind of feeling my time at my dads is coming to an end. I'm 25 and by circumstances I don't want talk about I ended up living with him for a year.

    However I just wanted to say that this provided me with some perspective and that there is hope in this dark world. Thank you for surviving and being yourself and overcoming your hellish circumstances, you are a beacon of hope the the rest of us like me. I too have ptsd and depression and it's hard for me to function off and on given the day, anyway hope you're doing well wherever you're at in life.
     
  8. mnguy

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    Wow that was a powerful post! Thank you for sharing the struggles you've been through. I'm sorry your parents weren't there for you when you needed them the most. You endured some very tough times, but have come through it stronger and gained wisdom many who are much older than you still don't have. The points you made are very true and are helpful for me to remember them. I'm proud of you and wish you all the best in your future!!
     
  9. Rin311

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    Thank you all for the responses and encouragement. I'm not even sure what to reply. I'll just say that at the end of the day... being non-straight in any way is not bad or good, it's just the card we've got and is what we have to live with. I'm not going to lie, I wish it were different, but this is the way it is and it doesn't make me or us bad or wrong. We are who we are.
    Now it's basically about pulling through and living life the best way we can.