I wonder if someone can go through their entire life in denial and never realise their true orientation? I realise it is specific for each one but how sad it is to live life as someone you are not! I was in denial for a long time but suddenly it hit me one day and self acceptance was immediate , almost therapeutic. Looking back it had been coming but was too clueles to realise. Do peolple go through denial , then remain closeted and then finally come out? Also when you were in denial what were some of the things you guys did to appear heterosexual?
I suppose it depends how long ones life is, but if they live a typical number of years most people would come to know their true orientation. I was pretty clueless until shortly after college which annoys the hell out of me. After that it was lots of denial, ignoring, avoiding, locked closet. I never talked about women much as it was and that declined to none. I remember friends commenting on a "hot" woman who had passed by and I was like who, where, what?? I emphasized things that I did/liked that were on the masculine side like watching sports, drinking beer with my buddies, car maintenance/repair, DIY stuff. There's the misconception of masculine = straight, but we know that's not what defines sexuality. I'd argue that keeps many gay guys closeted since they don't identify with the typical stereotype so they think they must not be gay. It was all a big waste of many years and I'm still mostly stuck, but made some progress. I don't recommend what I did and wish for others to come out asap and then it's over, let whatever comes next happen and don't waste their youth hiding in misery bc regrets only get worse each year. The fear of coming out is far worse than actually being out, at least in safe countries and around decent people. I'm sure I would have married a woman if I was in some hell hole country. What's your situation beyond the initial acceptance?
For me, the self acceptance seemed surprisingly easy as it was like a weight lifted off my shoulder. Gradually I have become more comfortable expressing my orientation to others. Close friends and some people at work place know. If someone asked me I would not deny. I feel one of my friends is deeply closeted and has feelings for me. I can see myself in him - how I was at a similar stage. He is scared to spend time with me possible because he is afraid of his feelings. He also has a girlfriend. I feel that sometimes he gets close to me then he feels guilty and gets close with his girlfriend - moving in with her, going every weekend away etc as if he wants to push other thoughts away. I wrote all this in an earlier post. Then he is very guilty and will be very apologetic to me. Recently I went away for two weeks and he was offended that I left without telling him. I had told that I will be away for a week but he was upset when he did not see him the next week! I cannot understand how in this day and age (in western societies) people need to be closeted!I can't imagine what my friend is going through as he will not talk about it. I totally get your point that the fear of coming out is more than the actual coming out. Especially when you have guys passing comments about gays (even if in good humour), if someone is shy and has low self esteem it would be so difficult. My biggest fear was that if you are not straight you are not masculine which is so not true and this is probably re-inforced by stereotypes and media portrayal.
