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Just listen

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Derek the Wolf, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. Derek the Wolf

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    This is probably going to be a pretty long bit of text. If you won't read it to the end, hit the back button and go to a different thread.

    I'm emotionally an unstable person. I'm not entirely sure why, but I crave people's affection. If I don't feel loved and I'm not able to express love for those that I feel it for, then I feel like shit. I get depressed, lonely, and detached. It's the worst feeling in the world, and I don't handle it well. Well recently (about 7-10 days ago) my best friend essentially became my boyfriend. We'd been flirting for a while and after an utterly disappointing first time, the details of which I won't go into here, we really decided a relationship was something we wanted (well we decided on the relationship before sex obviously, things happened quickly over spring break). Anyway, since we go to an all-male military academy, and his relationship with his family isn't so great, he's not coming out to anyone anytime soon. We have to hide our relationship. Imagine loving someone more than anything and not being able to show it. We talked for over an hour today after school and I couldn't even bring myself to get close and kiss him because I can't risk him being outed. Even when we were completely alone and I knew it was safe, I couldn't do it. He says he loves me. He even shows it when we're totally alone. But if he can't show it then I don't feel it. How could anyone love me? I'm fat, ugly, awkward, clumsy, dumb, creepy, and generally unappealing and offensive to all senses. Well he's the one person I think really does love me, and he can't fucking show it. In school we have to act like we're just friends, not so much as a hug. And we're in different year groups so we can't even talk at all during the day. Maybe once week he'll stay after school so we can talk, and even with this short time together I really can't express or show how I feel. I want him to hold me and for everything to be okay and he just can't do it in the current setting. I can't see him outside of school right now either because his mom basically has him on lockdown over something stupid. I don't get any time with him. I hated not getting to see him before we were in a relationship, now it's killing me being away from him. He's the only person I trust, the only person I love, the only person I really care about. If I could just get 1 minute alone with him every day to give him a hug, a kiss, and say I love you, then I could be completely happy. But he freakin' takes the train to school which means he arrives late and leave immediately after school. 60 seconds is asking too much. I try to avoid calling him or texting much because I don't want to appear too clingy and make him feel trapped. I can't get obsessive or over-controlling or I'll completely kill our relationship, and I don't think I could survive without his love right now. What the hell is wrong with the world we live in, that I can't kiss the person I love because if someone saw it the next year of his life would become a living hell? Oh well, I'm starting to get choked up writing this. I texted him earlier today to talk about this but his phone is off, so I can't even talk to him about it right now. I know he'd understand and try to help me. I wanted to vent some other stuff to him today too when we talked but we couldn't even really talk about anything serious. There were people everywhere today after school and we couldn't be all that alone. What the hell is so wrong with love? I don't get it. Why do they hate us? Why do we have to be afraid? He's the only person I have and I can't even say I love you in public. Well I get the feeling I'm starting to repeat myself, I'm just gonna stop writing. I'm sure I missed something but there's no point in making you suffer through more of this. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Legnaj

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    Aww I feel for ya.
     
  3. Bryan44

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    Aw Derek, (*hug*) Im sorry. I know how much it sucks to care about someone and not be able to show your affection for them. Just hang in there. It seems like the two of you care about each other a lot.
     
  4. Lexington

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    >>>How could anyone love me? I'm fat, ugly, awkward, clumsy, dumb, creepy, and generally unappealing and offensive to all senses.

    When I first really fell in love with someone, and they fell in love back, I remember having the same feelings. How could anyone love stupid, awkward, ugly me? But one friend said to me, "Lex, please don't ever forget - you deserve this."

    And so I pay it forward to you. You deserve this. Not the having to hide, not having to wait, but the love. Because humans fall in love with humans. Despite how dumb and awkward and ugly and stupid and everything-else we are. I'm sorry you can't scream your love from the rooftops, or even say it in a low voice in the hall. But you appear to have it. And that kicks ass. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. edogs334

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    I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. As I don't know all the details of your situation, I can't say with certainty that things will get better. I hope they do, however, and that some day you two will be able to find time to be close to each other- even if it is for just 60 seconds sometime during the week. I was more than happy to listen, and I hope you feel better. (*hug*)

    I think lots of us ask the same questions you asked: "why do they hate us?" "what the hell is so wrong with love?" As you know, there are no easy answers to these questions. However, I think part of it has to do with our society being so heteronormative that many see the sight of homosexual love as being abnormal. Some (probably many) straight people think of LGBT people as being a group far removed from their world; from their daily life. They can only fathom our existence in terms of familiar homosexual stereotypes. They say things like "oh, there aren't any gays in my neighborhood/school/church/etc." They don't realize, however, that LGBT people are everywhere around them- they just don't know it because many of us (understandably) don't advertise our sexual orientation as hetero folks do. I hope this helps somewhat.
     
  6. Derek the Wolf

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    :slight_smile: Thanks Lex

    You gave a good explanation of the psychological aspects but I already understood them. This was a more rhetorical plea. And thanks :slight_smile:

    Thanks to Legnaj and Bryan44 too. I appreciate you reading this.
     
    #6 Derek the Wolf, Apr 21, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2009
  7. wherewulfe

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    the beauty of txting is that he can take his time to respond, you wont appear clingy, just dont get upset if he doesnt send a message back IMMEDIATELY
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hey! Lex already hit on something: You deserve this! You love someone, and he loves you. Although there are constraints, these constraints do not matter in the grand design. In your own way you show him affection. In your own way you show him that you care about him, even if you just say to him, I was thinking about you and I missed you. Holding, hugging and kissing him will fall into place.

    Sorry to pick that part out, but he loves you for you. Even though you have a certain perception about yourself, guess what? It doesn't matter. To him, you are cute, you are someone that he really likes, you are someone that he can laugh with, you are someone that he can share things with, you are someone that he can hold, hug, and cuddle with, you are someone to whom he can say: I love you. Love doesn't have boundaries. We can't put into a box and say this is what love is. He loves you for you as you love him for him. He has discovered something in you that he can hang on to and allows him to fall in love with you. That's what counts. Nothing else.

    (*hug*)
     
  9. Derek the Wolf

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    I guess that's kinda true. Thanks pup =3

    Asteroid, thanks. I just... I guess the thing is I need to actually hear that I'm loved from him, because I honestly have a hard time believing anyone could love me. Every time I hear him say it, or even just type it out, it makes me happy. Those three words can single-handedly make my whole day.
     
  10. Mirko

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    If you can't see him during a day or there are no opportunities for him to say it: remind yourself of the words and the writing. The second you see him in the hallway or your are with him at school, tell yourself, 'he loves me.' It is not the same, but it could help you to feel happy and have a great feeling inside of you.
     
  11. Derek the Wolf

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  12. punkrocker99

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    I really think you should throw it all to the wind and come out regardless. I dont think id be able to bear that, so, I guess thats just what i would do.

    Any obstacle of coming out, whether its the military, or his mom, can vanish with the power of love. (wow that sounds corny but whatever i think its true)
     
  13. Derek the Wolf

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    I came out months ago.
    I think he should, but I can't ask him to do that for me. It's his decision. I won't make it for him.
     
  14. Mickey

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    If you keep having a negative attitude about this,one of two things can happen.
    You may push him away or you may end up totally depressed and do something foolish.
    We KNOW it's hard to not be able to express your love for him,in public.
    And we know about the parent (his) thing,too.
    Sweetie,you're not alone in this. I know that knowing that may not make things any easier,but try to remember,there are people out there experiencing the same things.
    Is it fair? Hell no. But you are getting older and things have a way of changing,especially when you're on your own.
    I know it's hard right now and you want what you want right now,but as cliche as it sounds,good things DO come to those who wait. It's the waiting that sucks.
    And,stop putting yourself down,okay? He loves YOU. ALL of YOU. Just the way you are.
    That should make you feel better,just knowing that.
    Right now,you have to take any time you 2 can get to be together. Cherish those times. Make them happy so they can hold you over to the next time.
    I'm sorry ,this may not help much,but you got to do what you got to do.
    I wish you the best. Things will get better. And,you know we're all here for you.
    We'll listen and try to help.
     
  15. Mirko

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    Try not to worry about the what ifs. Try not to worry about the future or what will happen down the road. You deserve this. This your moment, where things come together, and where you can take this very precious something and can 'hold' on to it. This is real. This is now. You can hold on to it now. Keep clinging to it, keep holding it. Live for it in the moment, which is now!

    Maybe try e-mailing him. Write the three words out, send it to him. Message him, let him know how you feel about him. I'm absolutely sure he'll respond.
     
  16. Derek the Wolf

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    I'd like to believe you, but sadly I know every story doesn't have a happy ending. In the foreseeable future, I don't see one. Thanks for your support though. =3

    I think tomorrow I'll pull him aside at some point during the day and just whisper it to him. I'll have to find an appropriate moment though, which is going to be difficult. But I'll make something work.
     
  17. djt820

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    You two are 17, right? For now, I would hold tight. If you both love each other, you two can get through one more year and then SHIT! YOU CAN BE AS OPEN AS EVER! No one can tell you otherwise because you have control over YOUR life and you can spend that life loving each other til you both die. I can understand what he's going though and Im sure he's hurting as much as you are. Shit sucks now but that will only be temporary. Be strong.
     
  18. xequar

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    Irrelevant details. Something that took me far too long to learn, and I'm going to pass on to you, is that if someone loves you, all those "flaws" that you see in yourself are irrelevant details. If he loves you like you say, then he obviously sees something in you worth loving. I don't know if it's your personality, or if it's some sort of spiritual familiarity that he feels with you, or maybe he's just attracted to fat ugly awkward et cetera people that are offensive to all senses :icon_wink:lol:

    The bottom line, though, is that he loves you, and THAT'S what matters. Having been in that same sort of situation only a few months ago after I met my boyfriend, I know how hard it is to accept that and believe that. BUT, I can also tell you that there's a certain point at which your refusal to believe him will become a sign that you distrust him and will begin to push him away.

    Here's what I recommend-I know you've been having trouble getting a chance to do this, but talk to him. Tell him what you've told us, but play it as a series of compliments to him, telling him that you still can't get over that someone as amazing as him loves you, or that you still fear that it's a dream and you'll wake up and he won't be there. Let him know that you're struggling with this, and if he's worth anything, he'll have some patience with you and try to show you that he's in it for real. Simultaneously, try to realize that someone can love you, and the fact that he loves you is damning evidence attesting to that. If he can love you, then obviously SOMEONE can love you and someone finds you worthy of love. Maybe he loves you in spite of being fat ugly awkward creepy bla bla blah, or maybe he loves you BECAUSE of it. Either way, he loves you. Run with it.

    (*hug*)
     
  19. Alex19

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    derek, i feel for ya. seriously, if i were in a situation like that, id b depressed too. but look on the bright side- u have someone that loves you. thats alot more than what other ppl have. hell, i wish i had a bf right now. being single and feeling lonely is killing me... now THAT sux.
     
  20. Kizz

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    I get that ALL the time.

    trust me, it'll pass. I can't imagine myself in the future, but I'm not out at all. I bet if I were out to everyone, I'd know what I'd do in the future.

    you're going through that expirience all over again. you don't know what'll be in the future as he isn't out.
    it's unbearable, I know, but you can't force him. he'll come out eventually, until then, just try to ride it out.

    god, I wish I were in your position. I'd LOVE a boyfriend, even if he wasn't out. wanna swap places? :lol: