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Stuck in the closet?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by crazypanda, Apr 7, 2017.

  1. crazypanda

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    I first thought that I might be gay in the 6th grade. Ever since then, I have been scared to death and ultimately fell in a depression. I am now more than halfway through my freshmen year and feel completely miserable, but I can't figure out why I don't just come out. I've come to terms with the fact I'm attracted to guys even though I don't exactly like the idea and I go to a pretty open school, but for some reason I just get this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I feel like I should come out. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my mom keeps telling me about how she's so exited to see when I get married to a beautiful wife and have beautiful children. I also hear other people from my family make little homophobic comments every now and then, and although I don't think they're actually homophobic, it still kills me inside and makes me feel I can't trust them. I've also been very lonely since the 5th grade because I moved from my home country and I struggled with making friends with guys for the longest time at school. Now I have some girl friends but none of them are close relationships (we never hang out outside of school, its awkward sometimes because I'm "straight"). Every day after school I find myself locked in my room procrastinating homework and crying for no reason or feeling numb or watching gay media on my computer. I get irritated extremely easily by everyone now, I get around 5-6 hours of sleep every day, I feel like crap all the time, I don't enjoy what i used to, and I feel lonely....The thing is, I just don't know what to do. I feel so distant from my family now because I've been shutting them out of for so long, but I can't let them in because I literally can't image a world where they know I'm gay. And at school, I could come out but I just can't because I'm afraid of change I guess. I want that liberty of being myself, but I'm just scared of exploring that world, its like I'm scared of living. I know my school is accepting but there's always this vibe I get that people aren't really accepting. Like if you're gay at my school you're still "that gay kid" instead of just another guy; you're still seen differently. It literally feel like this is eating me up inside and I've lost myself. I want to get out of this state by I don't know how. And even if I decide to come out, who do I tell? Sorry for the long post.
     
  2. cablelady

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    I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you for trying to figure this out at a young age. I wish I had instead of being in denial for so long. I truly am stuck in a closet now. In a 20 year hetero marriage with kids. Self acceptance is a beautiful thing.
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Hey crazypanda,

    Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    To begin with, let me say that you are not alone. What you just described is a very common experience for many LGBTQ people.

    Many of us worry that by Coming Out we will be disappointing our parents and their dreams of us having a ‘normal’ heterosexual family. (Of course, in reality, we can still have a family.) But we can’t change our sexuality, so we have to accept it and live with it. The thing you have to realize is that to be truly happy, you have to live for your own dreams, not those of others. Will your mom be disappointed that she won’t have a daughter-in-law some day? Possibly, but it’s not like you are doing this to spite her - you are who you are - and she will just have to deal with it.

    Growing apart from your parents at this point is also completely normal. You are dealing with something that they cannot even understand and their constant expectations and comments as if you were a straight guy can just be even more depressing. So the common reaction is to pull away from them. (The flip side of that is that for most of us, after we Come Out to our parents and our parents express their unconditional love for us and accept us for who we are, our relationship with them usually grows stronger than ever before because we are no longer hiding who we are from them. Of course, it doesn’t always go this way because not all parents are open-minded enough to realize that we didn’t choose to be the way we are and have a difficult time accepting us, even though, as their child, they should put unconditional love for us above all other things.)

    You should only Come Out if you are comfortable doing so and if there is no danger to you (such as being kicked out of the house if you Come Out to your parents and they were to react badly). Many of us choose to first Come Out to a close friend or two so that we have a support network of accepting people with whom we can be open and honestly just be ourselves. If you choose to Come Out, you should carefully consider who you want to Come Out to. Is the person likely to be accepting of your sexuality/are they LGBTQ friendly (you could discretely mention LGBTQ issues that are in the news and ask them their point of view, for example)? Is the person trustworthy in that you know/expect that they will keep your secret held tightly? Just Coming Out to one or two trusted people can relieve a lot of that pressure that is building up inside you.

    Whether or not you decide to Come Out to someone (a close friend, a school counselor, a family member, etc) just know that this is a storm that you can weather. When you graduate from high school and leave home, you will have much more freedom to openly express who you really are. If you go to college, you will most likely find much of the open acceptance that you fear you won’t get right now in high school.

    By the way, do you know if your school has a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA)?

    I hope some of that helps…
     
    #3 Quantumreality, Apr 7, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  4. silverdeer

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    My reply was 2848 characters so let me make a quicker version.

    Let's just say that my mom made the same remarks ( wife , kids , etc ) and I also have homophobic family members and that I also had depression and my sleeping was getting off-balance and I wanted to come out to my mom and both the idea of telling her and not telling her both stressed me a great deal.

    Coming out to my mom (while at the second it made my anxiety worse) quickly improved my mood after we talked and she explained how she is supportive and still loves me despite her religious beliefs.

    As for my grandparents, they believe I will go to hell and therefore to protect me from hell they try to tell me I'm not gay and are constantly in denial. My grandmother tells me it's a lie the liberals want me to believe and my grandfather sat me down to explain how I will have strong feelings towards women eventually.


    I'm not sure how your experience will be but telling just a few close people for now really helped me.

    Good luck :slight_smile: