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Old 21st Apr 2009, 08:36 PM   #1
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Default Is this depression or just confusion?

I've noticed over the past few years, I've got an irritating little pattern. I'll start out feeling pretty awesome! Like I've got my life pretty well set in motion the way I want it, I've got awesome opportunities I'm taking advantage of and an awesome family cheering me on. I'm makin' some good art, I've got tons of project ideas and inspiration in everything I see. And generally, this is when I start daydreaming about me in the future, generally I see me with a nice ladyfriend but not always! Either way, I'll feel like I am on top of the world.

And then... it's like the bottom drops out, or someone yanks the carpet out from under me. I stop feeling interested in women or men, which usually attracts most of my attention ('wait i normally am crushing so hard on ____ where'd that go? goddammit do i have this whole thing wrong?'), but as of late I've noticed that when it happens, I feel really shitty about everything else, too. I'm second-guessing my career choices, and when I sit and think if there's anything I'd like to do instead, I got nothing. I feel bad about myself and bad about where my life is. I just feel paralyzed, stagnant, and pathetic.

And to top it all off, just when I thought I'd had myself figured out, I suddenly can't remember how I felt that made me come to that conclusion. I can remember that I've thought about it, but I can't remember how I felt. I know that in my most longing moments, my first thought tends to be, "I want a girlfriend", not boyfriend, but since I don't really feel anything for anyone I start to wonder if I was full of shit! 'Gosh, maybe I'm just a straight girl fooling herself, but how the hell can I tell when I don't want to date anyone?' And I stay that way, for far longer than I'd like to.

It's gotten to where I'm afraid to feel confident. I mean, I felt pretty bitchin' awesome last week, and things were so on the up and up! I thought I'd put together some important clues to me, and I found a wonderful bunch of folks who are nothing but awesome (<3), and then... I plummet? For no reason. My weekend was awesome, it was happy, but now I feel terrible.

If this were a few isolated incidents, or were somehow related to negative life events, I'd figure, eh, life. I'll deal with it. But this is happening so often. It's getting exhausting. I want some semblance of stability, wherever the hell that leaves me standing.

I am going to go see one of the college counselors tomorrow, and this post is in part to arrange my thoughts so I actually say what I want to say. But lord, I don't know what to think when this keeps happening to me. I find an answer, then I lose it, and it's replaced with no alternate answer -- just melancholy. :/

Has anyone else dealt with something vaguely similar? I don't care if it's "yeah but I haven't dealt with it either", I just feel so strange and isolated right now. :(
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Old 21st Apr 2009, 08:43 PM   #2
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

Well i have not doubted my sexuality in a long time, but my career path and life in general is always just a roller coaster of ups and downs. The best way ive found to deal with it is to make sure when im in a down i can remember how i felt during the up. Generally for me that means writing it down in a word document, blog, journal, or something else i can go back and read later. Often my "down" periods are quite irrational and when i read something it can snap me out of it, atleast somewhat.
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Old 21st Apr 2009, 09:32 PM   #3
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

I know how you feel one second your up the next your down and don't know why. It suck's I used to think the same straight girl fooling herself thing I wish there was someway to tell and 1,2,3 you would know it would make life so much easier. When I feel down I always try to stop thinking bad things about myself and whatever else I'm thinking and try to remember what made me happy yesterday or whenever. I'm sure the counselor will help. Feel better.
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 07:30 AM   #4
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

The rollercoaster is always less than fun. I tend to do the same thing and it really doesn't seem to be for any reason. I don't really have a method for feeling better, my usual response to feeling down is yelling at myself to get over it which works...but only really as a temporary solution. Talking to people really does help though, if only because they'll always be willing to give the support you need.
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 07:55 AM   #5
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostDog View Post
It's gotten to where I'm afraid to feel confident. I mean, I felt pretty bitchin' awesome last week, and things were so on the up and up! I thought I'd put together some important clues to me, and I found a wonderful bunch of folks who are nothing but awesome (<3), and then... I plummet? For no reason. My weekend was awesome, it was happy, but now I feel terrible.

If this were a few isolated incidents, or were somehow related to negative life events, I'd figure, eh, life. I'll deal with it. But this is happening so often. It's getting exhausting. I want some semblance of stability, wherever the hell that leaves me standing.
I'm going to go out on a limb here... but what you're describing to me right here sounds an awful lot like what my sister goes through on a regular basis. My sister suffers from a bipolar disorder, and the similarities between this and what i've witnessed with her are kind of scary actually. People who have bipolar tend to suffer from severe mood swings, often with no reason at all for the change.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am only trying to help, but maybe you should at least take a look in to it? This link offers some very useful information about Bipolar disorder. Sorry its an Australian site, but i'm an Aussie after all...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostDog View Post
I am going to go see one of the college counselors tomorrow, and this post is in part to arrange my thoughts so I actually say what I want to say. But lord, I don't know what to think when this keeps happening to me. I find an answer, then I lose it, and it's replaced with no alternate answer -- just melancholy. :/

Has anyone else dealt with something vaguely similar? I don't care if it's "yeah but I haven't dealt with it either", I just feel so strange and isolated right now.
It's OK! You are not alone in this.

It is a very good idea to go and talk to your school councillor, they will almost definitely be able to help you through this. Hope you feel better!

Kaleb.
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 09:08 AM   #6
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greggers View Post
Well i have not doubted my sexuality in a long time, but my career path and life in general is always just a roller coaster of ups and downs. The best way ive found to deal with it is to make sure when im in a down i can remember how i felt during the up. Generally for me that means writing it down in a word document, blog, journal, or something else i can go back and read later. Often my "down" periods are quite irrational and when i read something it can snap me out of it, atleast somewhat.
That's not a bad idea. I think I'll start doing that. Can't second guess what I was thinking if I have it down on paper!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxas101 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostDog View Post
It's gotten to where I'm afraid to feel confident. I mean, I felt pretty bitchin' awesome last week, and things were so on the up and up! I thought I'd put together some important clues to me, and I found a wonderful bunch of folks who are nothing but awesome (<3), and then... I plummet? For no reason. My weekend was awesome, it was happy, but now I feel terrible.

If this were a few isolated incidents, or were somehow related to negative life events, I'd figure, eh, life. I'll deal with it. But this is happening so often. It's getting exhausting. I want some semblance of stability, wherever the hell that leaves me standing.
I'm going to go out on a limb here... but what you're describing to me right here sounds an awful lot like what my sister goes through on a regular basis. My sister suffers from a bipolar disorder, and the similarities between this and what i've witnessed with her are kind of scary actually. People who have bipolar tend to suffer from severe mood swings, often with no reason at all for the change.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am only trying to help, but maybe you should at least take a look in to it? This link offers some very useful information about Bipolar disorder. Sorry its an Australian site, but i'm an Aussie after all...
Nooo no wrong way taken here! Those symptoms do sound eerily familiar, and I know of at least one cousin of mine who has bipolar disorder (so it's not like it'd be outta the blue in my family tree). I don't much care what the answer to this problem ends up being, if it's that I'm depressed or bipolar or just overthinking everything, I just want it to stop. >.<

But I did go see the counselor this morning, and even though it was mostly an introductory Q & A session, I'm hoping I can get a few things sussed out in the next few weeks. If nothing else, I don't feel quite like I'm just being silly for all this bothering me anymore, which makes me feel a little better!

Thanks for the kind words, everyone! <3 <3
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 02:24 PM   #7
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

tbh sounds just like how i feel at the moment, i don't know why i just feel numb and unsure, and i just assume it is like exam/school/family shit stress, which it probably is, i dunno i'm sure it will pass, but yeh i know how u feel its just hard trying to explain how u feel to other people
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 04:10 PM   #8
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

I would suggest, try and find the book called "Broken Open" its by Craig Hamilton, also it is an Australian book.

It is about Hamilton's experience with his discovery of his bipolar disorder, it deals with many of the feelings that you are experiencing at the moment. Though sometimes it may not directly answer the questions that you are asking, it gives insight into the feelings that you are experiencing and helps guide you.

I read this book after my brother had a psychological breakdown, and was later formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It helped me understand the experiences; confusion, memory loss, stress, societal claustophobia, the sense of overwhelming pressure of the world and several of the other feelings that they go through, and how they learn to deal with bipolar disorder

I hope that this is of some help to you.

Tom.
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 04:45 PM   #9
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

I'd go up and down emotionally, too. Probably our age may have to do with it. Adolescence/early adulthood is an emotional time for many. I've learned that when I'm feeling low, not to act as though I'm going to feel that way forever. Because I won't. Nearly monthly I'll just feel too exhausted to want to be with people or to talk or anything. I look for rational reasons for the way I feel, too, like what I've been eating, if I slept enough the night before, etc.

It's kind of funny, those symptoms of bipolar disorder are, to a much lesser degree, symptoms of being alive. I'd say that discussing your feeling with a counselor would definitely help you see if your symptoms are normal or at a level akin to a mental disorder. In the mean time*hug*)
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 06:36 PM   #10
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

I'll try to find that book! I'd love some coping strategies. All I know is that whatever this is, I would love to avoid medication. :/

"Nearly monthly I'll just feel too exhausted to want to be with people or to talk or anything. I look for rational reasons for the way I feel, too, like what I've been eating, if I slept enough the night before, etc."

God, that's me to a T. My counselor suggested that perhaps I was overthinking everything and making whatever was already going on a lot more complicated and problematic. She's right, really -- all the mental scrambling I do to try to assess why my mood crashed just leave me feeling more confused, and worse in general. That maybe I'd find it useful to just let myself feel bad until I come out of it naturally, instead of trying to talk myself out of something I don't seem to be able to see too clearly (since I admitted I knew it only made the situation worse).

If it's just that I'm still relatively fresh out of adolescence? That would be awesome. I'd love to grow out of this, chop chop!

I feel... not better better now, but at least validated. Heh, I at least no longer suspect that I'm at some level making this all up, or like it's somehow all my fault. So that's something.

And <3 for hugs, I feel like I need a few now. :/ Been a hell of a day.
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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 07:45 PM   #11
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

awww....



It's good to know that we've helped you in some way! If you want to talk, post on my wall...

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Old 22nd Apr 2009, 08:45 PM   #12
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Default Re: Is this depression or just confusion?

Wow, I could have written this for all the things I can relate to in it. I really don't have any advice, for all the advice I've read in the responses other people have made are rather helpful already, and some that I'd take too.

But you definitely aren't alone in these kinds of feelings.
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