Hi everyone, I am brand new to this site! (!) Hoping to get some advice on things that are hard for me to talk about with people I know. I am 28 years old, and I am a lesbian in the closet. I have not told anyone, but I've known since I was a teenager. I am introverted by nature, and my family is pretty conservative/closed minded, so I've never felt like it would be acceptable for me to be out. I also have social anxiety, so it's always been my goal to just fit in and get people to like me. I now have my own apartment and I get very lonely and it's been eating me up inside that I don't have anyone that I'm close to. I really want a girlfriend, and there's a girl I see about once a week that I'm secretly head over heels in love with. She is straight and pretty much boy crazy, so I feel really stupid but I can't help it. She may be bi because she definitely has given me some mixed signals over the last few years, but either way I'm sure she doesn't feel as strongly as I do. I'm at the point where I'm exhausted secretly loving someone I can (probably) never have, but I can't help it because there's no one else I like (I'm so picky lol). And it's always been this way...I fall in love one straight girl at a time and I fall hard, and it's never been reciprocated. I would like to get to a point where I can have some reciprocated female companionship. I'm funny, loyal, a great friend, and I would no doubt be a great partner. I just don't know how to get there and I need some direction if you all wouldn't mind?? THANKS IN ADVANCE!! :help:
Hi Latebloomer88 and welcome to EC; this is a friendly place and I have found it to be quite helpful and I think you will too... I would ask you to consider something...since you say that you 'always fall in love with one straight girl at a time and it's never reciprocated.' Do you think that you maybe always fall in love with straight girls because it keeps you 'safe'? Because on the very basis of them being straight you KNOW nothing can ever happen with them. Sometimes, it seems easier to love someone from afar, to love someone who is unattainable because in this way we don't have to put ourselves out there; to take the risk on the real possibility of love, to be vulnerable to another person. To face possible rejection. (Having social anxiety adds another layer to things.) You say you feel lonely, and it's eating you up inside not to be close to anyone. I actually think this is a good thing that you can express this. It means you acknowledge that you don't like the place you are in and it's not working for you. And that you DO want companionship---and that is the first step in making changes so you can get where you want to be. And you will have to change something to get there! And change is hard! I get that...I have had to make some real changes over the past few years in order to head in the direction I want to go. Part has been a change in how I view myself, part has been changing my actions to get me where I want to be in life. Therapy has been invaluable to me... so helpful. I still have slip backs for sure, but overall I am on a better path---it's all a process! So you asked for advice and some direction. First I would recognize that you need to change something. Small changes at first are fine. You are going to have to get out of your comfort zone, and take risks that seem very uncomfortable to you at first. People find companionship--friendly or romantic by meeting people, and this is accomplished by being where people gather. Beyond that there is online dating as an option too. From personal experience I do recommend therapy also, this could help you with your social anxiety and also issues related to being brought up in conservative/close minded home (I was too!). Good, effective therapy is hard work but definitely worth it! Things definitely can get better!
Thank you very much for that thorough response, Moonsparkle. You brought up many good points. I used to go to therapy for my social anxiety and it definitely helped a bit, but I could never bring myself to talk about the fact that I'm a lesbian. I stopped going because it got pricey, but I think it might be time to consider it again and realize that it's an investment in myself and that makes it worth it. Again, I thank you for your input. Very helpful! Have a great day
