Hey everyone! Sorry this is going to be long but I need help My whole life I’ve been confused/in denial about my sexuality and since a few months I’ve finally started to allow myself to think about it. Usually my friends know everything about me but I've never dared to share any of this. I’m not at all used to keeping things from them and I don’t like it at all. In a few days I’ll be returning to my home town for my spring break and I thought this could be the perfect opportunity to talk to some of my oldest and closest friends about my feelings. The problem is I haven’t completely figured out my feelings myself. I don’t think I’m a 100% ready for this but I just really want to take this opportunity. That’s why I hope this post might help me figure things out a bit or maybe someone has advice on how to explain you are questioning? I wrote a post 2 weeks ago but since then I’ve though A LOT about it and I got some great responses. So I start to understand myself a little better. I’ll just tell my story more detailed and I hope someone has some advice. I’m pretty sure I like boys but for as long as I can remember, the thought of liking girls as well has popped up in my head from time to time. It was always small things like unconciously staring when a girl is changing, finding a girl beautiful/interesting, obsessing over lesbian couples in tv shows or anything LGBT related really… and the first time I experienced sexual arousal was when I was 12 and dancing in my underwear on sexy music with my best female friend. For a very long time I could always find a reason to convince myself it meant nothing, and maybe it doesn’t, but now I just feel like there might be more to it. I’ve just never had a crush on a girl or at least not that I realised at the time. I’m a hopeless romantic. When I started to go out I always refused to randomly make out with guys, even when I was drunk, because I wanted my first kiss to be with my first boyfriend. But then I went on a holiday with a group of female friends and one night we got very drunk in our hotel room. All the girls started kissing each other and after refusing for a while I just thought fuck it I want this. It was just kissing but with little clothes on and in that moment I think (I can’t be sure because of the alcohol) I liked it a lot. The day after, I felt very confused. Guilty for breaking my ‘first kiss’ promise to myself and guilty for liking it. I didn’t know what it meant because it seemed like all my friends (who identify as straight as far as I know) liked it as well but didn’t think any more of it. I’ve had some crushes on boys but I’ve only ever kissed 1 boy (a few times though) and I really liked it and him but it never became something more. After years of never taking all of this serious because I liked boys so why would I (or that’s what I told myself) something changed when I watched the Norwegian show SKAM in January. For those who don’t know it, it’s the best show ever about a group of teenagers. The 3th season is about Isak fighting his internalized homophobia (They even show him on this forum for a few seconds) and accepting his love for Even. Their love is so real and pure and beautiful. Seeing Isak accepting himself and being happy opened my eyes. Since then not a day has gone by that I don’t think about being bisexual and I'm tired of it but I can't help it. Even writing all of this down I can see that everything points in the direction of me not being a 100% straight so why am I still not sure? Some days I feel like I’m imaging I’m bi because in my daily live I’m surrounded by gay people (only men thought), I’ve seen and loved so many LGBTQ+ related shows, documentaries, I even tell myself I’m just jealous of Isak and Even ‘s (fictional) love story. But is that even possible?… I can see myself with both sexes, I’ve just never felt something for a girl. Is it possible I’m making things up because I want to be bi or is it more likely I’m actually still in denial and this is just another excuse? I don’t know how ‘normal’ all of this is for a straight girl and I’m afraid to tell someone if I’m just going to turn out straight. I just have so little experience with either sex Thanks for sticking with me until the end and I hope you can help me out or if you’re in a similar situation I’d love to hear your story. (*hug*)
