too feminine to be trans // I think I'm trans and I'm terrified

I'm about to turn sixteen, I think I'm trans (ftm), and I am f***ing terrified. When I was really young, I remember wanting a beard. I told my dad I wanted to grow up and be just like him. He said "you can't do that, silly. You're a girl," and sent me along to play with my barbies. I remember thinking how unfair it was. I used to run around with no shirt on, or I tied it around me like a little half vest, pretending to be Aladdin. I imagined myself being strong and brave like him, until I was told to cover up my nonexistent chest, told what a pretty little girl I was. I never felt like the other girls. I thought I was just weird, that I needed to try harder to be feminine, to fit in. I wished and wished for boobs and wanted my period to start so I could finally feel like a real girl, like an actual woman. I always felt. Different. And I didn't know why. I've had intense anxiety and have dealt with depression as well, but never understood what was wrong with me. I just have never felt like I belonged anywhere. I didn't understand girls growing up, and wasn't interested in boys at all. I climbed trees and ran around barefoot all the time, and yes, I loved dressing up in skirts and such as well, but I still didn't feel like I fit in with other girls. I still wanted a beard, and continued to tell my family so. They continued to laugh, brush it off. "Don't be silly."

Something was just off. When I was twelve I saw RuPaul's drag race for the first time, and I was ecstatic, and insanely jealous of these gorgeous people. These were boys in makeup, these were boys who were allowed to wear dresses. Most of them were totally comfortable being boys, but their creativity wasn't limited to their gender. I remember hot tears stinging my cheeks, I wanted to be just like them; but I, a girl, wasn't allowed I told my friend that I wanted to be a boy, that I wished I'd been born a boy so I could be a drag queen, and she got really upset with me. "You can't transition just to be feminine again! You don't know what you're talking about!" I felt angry and hurt and ashamed, and didn't let myself think of it again until I was 15.

When I was 14/15, I got really into makeup. I loved the way I could alter my very bone structure with the right cool toned powder. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to look like the pretty girls at school, I wanted to fit in more than anything. I tried to be a sweet, pretty girl. But I was still salty and aggressive and crude, still into video games and comics, and marked as a butchy lesbian. So I embraced being gay, tried to convince myself that was it, that was why I had always felt so different and uncomfortable. But every time I passed by a mirror, i couldn't look at myself and my long hair and short, frilly skirts. I was so beyond uncomfortable, and I had no idea why. I would hold my shoulder length hair up in the mirror, and contour my face to have more masculine features, I'd lock myself in the bathroom to draw on a beard (at last). Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. My swinging hips and breasts felt so wrong, and I remember slashing my thighs with scissors, making myself bleed, punishing myself for not fitting in, for being so stupid. I didn't feel right, I didn't feel at home in my body. One day I got so sick of it, and I locked myself in the bathroom with kitchen scissors and chopped of a foot of hair. Ever seen that video by Ruby Rose? That was me. I cut it into a pixie cut, and left my side swept bangs. I put on one of my two boys shirts and shorts, and I did boy makeup again. And started crying, because I still looked like a girl.

I did a metric f*** ton of research, mostly on gender fluidity. I tried to find a label. I watched a few YouTube videos by trans guys, but pushed the thought away. There was no way I was a guy. I still loved makeup, and I loved cats and dresses and felt fabulous as hell in my first pair of heels. All my friends were girls. I was just confused. But I just felt out of place. My whole life, if tried desperately to look like the pretty popular girls, wearing flowing blouses and skinny jeans, but I was just too awkward and weird and diferent to pull it off. I started experimenting with my own style. I wore long vintage skirts, a bleach dyed black sweater, and combat boots that were splattered with paint. I stopped trying to shave my legs, and quit wearing a bra because that sh*t is uncomfortable. If i did wear one, it was a super tight sports bra to flatten my already small chest, and I wore guys t shirts, jeans, and suit jackets with a bow tie I'd found at goodwill. I decided I was genderfluid, and oh boy, did I confuse the hell out of everyone around me. At the beginning of this year, my sophomore year of high school, when I had just cut my hair and was dressed in my boy clothes, someone cut me in the lunch line. "Apologize to that young lady!" Someone shouted at the ruffian, who turned around in confusion. "Lady? Where?" Someone pointed to me, and I stood stark still. "You're a girl?" He asked. "No, I'm a guy!" I thought. But I just nodded my head.

Recently, I shaved my head because I thought it would help me find myself. I thought it would suddenly make me understand, and that I would finally be comfortable in my own skin. But I'm more confused than ever. I started wearing a bra again, dressing extremely feminine, and shaving, using scented lotions and sh*t. But people were even more confused. I stepped out of a girl's bathroom in a local restaurant recently, wearing a dress and minimal makeup (brows, highlight, etc.), and a couple little kids were playing in the hall. As I strode past, I saw one of the little boys, a dumbfounded look in his face. "But, that's a boy..." people think I'm a boy all the time, even in a dress and with a full face of makeup on. My best friend called me a "pretty boy".

I don't want to be a girl. I still want a beard. More than anything I want to walk with leisurely gait on a beach and pull my shirt over my head with no bikini top underneath. I want to look in the mirror and see lean muscle instead of these obnoxious curves. I don't want this baby face, these round cheeks and pink lips and big eyes. I don't want to be a pretty girl. But at the same time I'm terrified. What if this is just a phase? I still like makeup, and sometimes I do enjoy dresses. But I don't want my femininity to consume my entire identity. Boys can wear makeup, but I'm not a gay guy, I love girls. If I were to transition, I'd be a straight guy acting like a gay man. I just don't know. But I can't live like this anymore. This body isn't right my skin doesn't fit my voice doesn't sound like mine it's so high and I hate it I hate it. My main issue is with my body. It's not a bad girls body, but it just does not feel right. I have cried over this until my chest physically hurt, and I've spent the past year questioning my identity and trying in vain to convince myself that I'm just a lesbian. I told my closest friends that I'm a non binary trans boy. I am a guy, I still present myself fashion wise in a fluid sense. I told my mom and my brother to call me Basil and call me by male pronouns. My brother said to me before I even told him, "you'd be the perfect big brother. You don't act like a girl at all unless you're doing makeup. It's like you're a big brother in a big sister's body."

I want to dress in blazers and oxfords and bow ties, I want to feel stubble on my chin and run my hands through messy guy hair. I want to take my shirt off. I want to sound like rolling thunder, not birds chirping. I want the rest of me to match my huge man hands and feet. My hands are the size of an NBA players, they're the only thing about me that's masculine. But sometimes I like a nice dress. I'd want to braid flowers into my beard. So I can't possibly be trans, can I?

I am still consumed with doubts. I look in the mirror and want to see myself on fire. I open my mouth and I want to rip out my vocal chords. I still feel like such a girl. I'm so soft and pretty and I despise it. I just wish more than anything that I had been born a boy. Boys can be feminine, boys can wear skirts and lipstick, and still be boys. Trans boys have to be more masculine. I'm not a big buff guy on the inside. I'm a sensitive dude that plays guitar and loves cats and is really good at makeup and likes to paint flowers and cartoony style characters. I can tell my mother is confused, I can tell she's waiting for me to tell her it was just a phase. And I cannot tell my dad (they're separated). No way no how. He would laugh and then get angry and say I'm just confused I'm just a teenager and no you're a girl because you do this that and the other thing. My grandparents, my cousins...my mom's entire family would disown me, her dad already doesn't want to see me with "that sh*t" in my face (a septum ring). If he knew I was gay, he'd disown me. If he knew I was trans...

I am so conflicted. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to feel like this. I wish I were normal I wish I could just be a pretty girl and keep my mouth shut. I don't know how to deal with this. I am terrified. I feel sick thinking about transitioning, but I just cannot imagine a future as a woman. I can't see myself as a girl in the future. I don't see myself as a mother. But it hurts it all just hurts so much and I'm so tired of crying. "She" doesn't feel right. "They" doesn't feel right, I've tried that too. "He" does, but when I look in the mirror, I still see her.

:help:

 

Oh, my gosh. I'm trying not to cry. Thank you guys. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone here, that others can relate to my situation. I'm sorry my original post was 87 years long, it was all over the place and I'm grateful that anyone bothered to reply.

You guys are probably right that I should wait to transition till I'm on my own. I don't think my dad would believe me at all. It's just beyond frustrating, I feel like I'm living a double life. Online and to my friends, I'm Basil. They've already come up with some really sweet (and not so sweet, lol) nicknames; Baz, Herb, Soup, Pasta, Noodle...they're ridiculous, but I've had so much support for the most part from my friends. The only questions they asked were "why'd ya pick Basil?" (Basil is a cute lil plant, it's the main ingredient in pesto which I love, it's associated with the planet mars which has always been my favorite, and it's a masculine plant, the king of herbs, haha!) and "What are your pronouns?" (He/him)

But to my teachers and other classmates, Im still a girl. I flinch when I hear my given name, which is stupid, but I do. I don't feel like her at all anymore. That name. It's not me. I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to tell my teachers, my whole family. I want to pass all the time. I want to be myself, but I can't.

And even my friends are weird about it sometimes. Most of them have been really cool, and correct themselves without a second thought with my pronouns, and are trying to help me feel accepted. But my b e s t friend is being a bit odd. Every time she messes up she makes a huge spectacle of it and apologizes for ages and goes on and on about how hard it is to remember, and then today she said "can I just keep calling you ____? It's just so hard for me and it's so confusing, I've been calling you ____ forever..." which really bothered me. This is really hard and confusing for me too, should I really pretend to be someone I'm not just because it's easier for you? I don't know.

It's been hard trying to present myself the way I feel in my head. I was on spring break when I came out to my mom, and I asked her to please take me to goodwill to get some boy clothes. "Yeah, no problem." For three days, she kept pushing it back. She would only call me Basil to my face, and I heard her keep using my birth name with everyone else. When I asked her about the clothes again, she was just too tired. "You'll live. It's not a big deal. I'm putting my foot down, ____. We'll try and go next time. You'll just have to wait." It's not a big deal for her. But every time I clasp my bra, every time I slip on a skirt, it makes my chest tighten and my skin feel on fire and makes me want to die. So it'll be another two weeks. And I know it's confusing to my friends. "Call me he," I say, standing stiff in a dress. Two weeks doesn't seem like a big deal. But I've been waiting for so long, and I'm finally trying to accept this, accept myself, but it just feels like I'm stuck.

I look in the mirror and I can't help but cry. Every time I sing I just end up furious, slamming down my guitar or uke. My voice is so high. It hurts to look at myself. It's insanely difficult to imagine myself ever moving forward.

I keep wondering what it would be like to just go away. It'd be a hell of a lot easier for everyone.

The one thing that keeps me going is my friends. Hearing my pronouns, hearing Basil, makes my chest hurt in a different way. A new friend of mine who's also trans offered to buy me a binder. I freaked out and tried to fight with him about it, but his mom is really cool and didn't mind at all. I'm babysitting tomorrow and can pay him back, even though he insisted that it was fine. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Even with support from my close group of things, it still feels like my world is upside down. I still fantasize about death, about not having to deal with this anymore. I am still acutely aware of my hips and chest and voice and cheeks every second of every day. It feels like I'll never be 100% accepted. It feels like I'll never fully transition. It feels like I'll never be enough. For every hour spent laughing with my friends, there are three more where I convince myself no one believes me anyway, I'm such a girl, I'll never get out of this body, I should just leave. There have been so many tears lately.