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My 29yo Best friends and a 17/18 year old

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jangel, Apr 23, 2009.

  1. jangel

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    Hi all I know I don't usually ask for advice but I am really torn here. I have been friends with this guy for over 14 years. We are both gay I am a social worker in a 5 year long committed relationship. he on the other hand bounces from boy to boy. When he was 22 I found out about him sleeping with a 16 year old boy. I flipped out and we didn't speak for a year. We got over that with him admitting he had made a serious mistake etc etc. Now 7 years later while at a BBQ with friends and other social workers I mentioned his name. A 17 year old (family member of a co-worker ) said oh I know him he was sleeping with one of my friends last year (from high school) she proceeded to accurately tell me details about my friend including who he lives with and everyone he has slept with in the past 3 years. She said "yeah but it was hush hush because he was underage". I was embarrassed beyond belief to have stated he was my friend and for this kid to have said this in front of my colleagues. I recalled him telling me he was dating a 20 year old by the same name around the same time ( even that I gave him heck for). I confronted him and he screamed and yelled until admitting the guy was really 18 at the time and not the 20 he told me. However the girl insists he was 17. I checked on the guy and the dates and it is really hard to figure out they both gave me different months so he was either late 17 or very newly 18. either way I can't help but be repulsed and hold great anger towards him. He may be right and thinks if he was 18 then I shouldn't be mad. But we want to be foster parents and I fear having him in our life may hinder that (he also has quite the arrest record). I really don't care if he was 17 or 18 it is still wrong in my eyes! And he lied to me for a reason. It is just so hard because I do care about him and 14 years is a long time! My head says end it.....but is it right for me to judge who he wants to date it he was 18...sigh...its been a week and he sent me a message stating "well I guess you have decided not to stay friends" last night and it breaks my heart but I think he is right. thanks for your opinion. -Jen
     
  2. BasketCase

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    If he has broken the law, that is one thing and he can or should expect to be punished, that stands to reason.

    As for having sex with a 16 year old and a 17/18 year old. I believe that 16 is old enough to consent to sex. So does most of Europe (Some are even more liberal though). And on that front I find it difficult to condemn him as any kind of monster unless he coerced them into sex.

    Why are you so angry with him? Is it because he broke the law? Is it because you think sex with someone so much younger than him is morally reprehensible? Or is it because he lied to you?
     
  3. -Michael-

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    If he was 18 then there is nothing you can do.
    Underage though...(unless 18 is underage)
    underage you can judge.

    I think you should talk to him.

    He may have a...preference for underage boys...it may cause trouble later on.

    Have a chat.
    A neutral environment.
    Don't jump to immediate conclusions until you've heard all sides of the strory.
     
  4. olides84

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    Well, I can't really state an opinion, because it's your friendship and your feelings and attitudes.

    But, I googled Maine age of consent laws and it appears that it is 16. I did this because you seemed to think there was a big difference whether this latest boyfriend was 17 or 18. Well, nothing illegal is going on here with that or even the first boyfriend. There's still the age difference and while some have a problem with it, many others don't. It obviously makes you feel uncomfortable, and then he is bumping up a few years the age of his next boyfriend so that you don't get up in his face again. I suppose I suggest talking it out with him rather than ignore it.
     
  5. jangel

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    17 would be illegal here and 16 definately was...there has to be less than 5 years difference if under 18 here. Umm all reasons are why I am angry. I think that a 17 or 18 year old is still very yound and impressionable and he is 29. I feel like they would look up to him and therefor by sleeping with them he is taking advantage of them. Plus I work with many kids in the area who are that age...what if it was a client of mine. I have nephews that are that age and it is SCARY! I tried talking to him about if he had a preference for very young men and offered support....if he would go to counseling ...he just yelled. thanks all opinions are helpful
     
  6. olides84

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  7. BasketCase

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    Are all or the majority of his partners that young? Or are these incidents two aberrations in what is an otherwise 'normal' sex life?
     
  8. SAGUY84

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    If the guys were consenting, i see no problem with it. They'd know he's alot older than them, and were still happy to do it. The age of consent is different in each country, and even some states. In Australia, I think its 17 if the other person is older than 18. Or 16 if both parties are the same age!

    If he took advantage of them, thats a different story.



    I think your overreacting. For some reason age gaps are more acceptable if the people are older (i know of someone who's wife was 20 years younger than he), yet a gap almost half that is causing a problem for you, just because the guy is young.
    Edit - i just read your 2nd post, seems your feelings on the matter are because you have nephews that age. Well, those guys ARENT your nephews, and they made their own decisions!


    This info should be useful to you!
     
    #8 SAGUY84, Apr 23, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2009
  9. Revan

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    http://www.ageofconsent.com/maine.htm

    This site has specific age of consent. They're found I believe in the law books of Maine. Basically in Maine, if someone is 19 or older and they have sex with someone under 16, then yes they're in trouble. If however someone is 19 or older, and they have sex with someone 16 or 17 they are not in trouble UNLESS they are a teacher, or other school official in the school or school district as the child. Then, and only then, are they in trouble. If they're simply a 19 or older, not a teacher or official in the school district and have sex with a minor as I said, they're not in trouble despite the...morality beliefs of people (please don't take this line as me attacking you, I'm not), it's not illegal.
     
  10. Chip

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    Jangel,

    Unfortunately, I think the right choice is to get him out of your life. This isn't just about age of consent, it's about perception and what one of my attorney friends calls "the smell test" (as in, if it is legal, but doesn't "smell" right, people will still have issues.)

    I've known several people like him. They go after the 15 and 16 year olds when they are 22, and move up to 18 year olds when they get to be 30, but still go after the 16 and 17 year olds when they can get them (and keep it relatively hidden.) The fact they're underage seems to be the draw or the thrill, though they rationalize it a bazilliion different ways. In reality, it's usually a social maladjustment issue which can be addressed in therapy, but most people refuse to seek help for it.

    In contrast to the others who think it's fine if he's dating 18 year olds, I don't think it is. As you point out, the difference in social development, life experience, and other factors between someone 18 and 29 are huge; the differences between someone 16 and 29 are, of course, far greater.

    He needs help, but it's really unlikely he'll get it. The fact that he got so angry and lied about the person's age is key to understanding that he knows that what he's doing is wrong, but isn't really interested in changing it.

    I would suggest letting him go. I know it will be hard, but both because of your profession and your desire to become foster parents, it's probably for the best. If at some point, he decides to get help and work on this issue then you can always reconnect, but for now it's probably for the best to put space between you.
     
    #10 Chip, Jul 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2010
  11. Beachboi92

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    Theres a very simple explanation for this that i feel hasn't been explained. The boys that he is with could have been lying to him about their age, then maybe he figured it out after the fact and didn't know what to do or was still under the impression that the boy was 18 when u confronted him. Personally i think differences in age like this are all very situational, I am 17 but every guy i've talked to around my age is to immature for me to want to date or hang out with and so i prob wouldn't go out with anyone under 19 (but over 21 would be iffy) xD I don't even hang out with people around my age that often.

    From what you describe it still seems like he has a whole other set of issues that may have something to do with his behavior in terms of the whole arrest record and other stuff. My suggestion would be to see if you can get him to a councilor or something i think they work wonders when people actually try xD

    Chip does have a point though as i highly doubt all those mentioned underage boys are at a maturity level that would make them ok in my mind
     
    #11 Beachboi92, Jul 3, 2010
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  12. Revan

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    I should have added to my post that you should just get rid of him. 14 years or not, someone like that is toxic. I'm just saying.
     
  13. Chip

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    This is an important point when trying to generalize this situation. There is an enormous difference between, say, a three year age difference between 15 and 18, and a three year difference between 17 and 20. As one gets older -- for most people, somewhere between 19 and 27 -- the life experiences catch up, and people, regardless of age, become closer to equal, so the age differences matter less.

    For example, I'd see a lot less problem between a 25 year old and a 37 year old than between an 18 year old and a 30 year old, because the average 25 year old has been through enough life experiences to be able to make intelligent decisions and to be an independent thinker less likely to be controlled or manipulated by, or dependent on, the older person. The 18 year old is a lot less likely to have that level of maturity.

    Of course there are exceptions; one of my closest friends, at age 20, was far more grounded, together, and responsible than a lot of people are in their 40s, and an acquaintance who is 50 seems to have the emotional maturity of someone about 17. But on the whole, someone who is chasing after 16 to 18 year olds at age 30 probably has a problem.
     
  14. GoinStag

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    I think 18 is the oldest person a 16 year old can legally sleep with. Not 100% sure though.
     
  15. Chip

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    If you read Revan's post above, he's given a link to age of consent; it varies by state (and sometimes, by whether it's gay or straight sex)
     
  16. Revan

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    Maybe going by the Age / 2 + 7 rule...but by age of consent a 16 year old can consent to sleep with who they want (depending on the laws of the state/province/country...in this case, Maine allows it so long as the other guy isn't a teacher at the same school or the school district as the 16 year old.)
     
  17. ArcusPravus

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    Is there a reason this thread was resurrected with a new post 15 months after it ended and over a year after the OP stopped posting in these forums?