I want to tell people but I don't know for sure myself...

I not afraid of coming out in general. If I'm trans, i don't care who cares! I came out as gay 17 years ago in small town Utah, I've been through it, I'm surrounded by loving supportive people. But I am afraid of coming out trans, and then a few years later having to un-come-out like "naw never mind, I'm actually [other modern label] blah blah blah" and my poor kiddo is only 4 years old and she already has to cope with being the only kid at school with two daddies... My poor husband doesn't want to be married to a woman anyway (and might actually be a bit transphobic) so my whole family life crucially hinges on getting it right.

I've always, always, since my earliest memories, wished I were a girl, and thought I was supposed to have been a girl, but that's different that thinking that I AM a girl right? Or is it?

I know for sure I don't want to forsake my penis, which I love very very much -- though, I do often wish I could have a vagina too, and have always wanted breasts... And I'm ashamed to admit this but it's a huge concern for me: I'm quite vain, and think I'm a handsome man, but I don't want to become an unattractive woman; becoming ugly suddenly at 35 would be a blow to the ego I don't know how to deal with.

I've been through this around and around in circles for so long, years. When when when will I figure it out if I don't start telling people about it, outside the echo chamber of my own head? But I dont wanna tell people until I know.

About 6 months ago I started antidepressants and that's what I credit with everything coming to a head now. My thinking has all changed. I am ready to embrace what I need to be happy, but first I gotta know what that is.

Thanks for letting me vent, internet!

 

Thanks for the moral support lunarlyric!