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At 28, To Come Out Again (Bisexual to Gay) Or Not-That is the Question

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Minder, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Minder

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    Sorry if this is a little long.

    So when I was in middle school I started realizing I liked guys. I thought I was "bisexual" and came out to a few people early on and almost all my friends at 18. Family at around 19 or 20 (don't quite recall the exact time of it). I did date a guy off and on around this time and (I don't cheat this was when we weren't dating) had a few casual flings too.

    But now at 28 years old and having been out of college for 3 years I realize I was mistaken. I only really dated girls a few times back in high school. Still these relationships usually didn't lead to sex, and some fizzled out because I just wasn't motivated enough to arrange dates. While I had sex with girls a few times (even a few casual flings in college which I wouldn't class as "dating") it was always unsatisfying. But I thought it was for reasons other than being gay. I told myself "she had a bit of facial hair, that's a turnoff for me when that's on a girl" or that I was "nervous". I kept thinking "there is sometimes some sensation when I check out girls, therefore I'm bi even if I like guys more". But over time I've realized the times I bother checking out girls is usually the time when I'm thinking to myself "Am I really bi or am I just gay?" and then checking out girls to see what my response is and otherwise I mostly just check out guys. I also notice that the sensation I feel in *that* area when I check out girls never leads to an erection unless I'm also looking at or thinking about guys and even then it seems like it feels even better if I'm just looking at the guys.

    Another thing I kept thinking anytime I started wondering if maybe I was really gay was that girls were just more work to get in bed and I was bogged down with very difficult coursework in college and a great deal of friend-level relationship drama with some of my roommates (which I'm not going into detail about). Towards the end of college and there were times when I came to the conclusion that I really was gay, but only to question whether maybe I was just having a bit of monosexual OCD and then convincing myself that I really did find girls attractive. It was especially easy to convince myself I was actually bi, because when I look at naked women or even a vagina it doesn't turn me off, and there's even some small sensation, it just doesn't really do the trick.

    I feel kind of (OK, a lot of) stupid for having thought I was bisexual for this long and only now fully realizing that I'm gay. How will this look? I'm 28 years old, that's a little old for realizing you're actually gay and not bisexual. I might get a lecture about promoting "bisexual erasure" as a lot of the people I know are really into politics. People might think I did this on purpose, but I honestly thought I was bisexual, and I get that some people really are bisexual, I just don't think that I really was.

    Or people may just be appalled at the lack of self-awareness it takes to not get to this conclusion until so late. Some of these people are job references, which scares me even more. Maybe I should just continue to identify as "bisexual" and just tell any interested girls that I just don't feel the chemistry for that individual in particular (and most worrisome, there's a girl who I think is interested in me right now)?

    What's worse is that there's this friend of mine I've known since fall, who is also a job reference, and I never got around to mentioning I am bi to him (back when I still thought I was bi), and he's gay. I just never really sensed an "in" in the conversation, except when I sensed it a few moments too late and the conversation turned. Although he says he sees me as a bit conversationally challenged (but analytical and very good at my job so at this point at least I have a good reference) in the first place, so maybe he'd understand if I explained the difficulty in mentioning it. I also have job references who I did mention I was "bisexual" to and about a few months ago at that, and that may be awkward now saying to those same people that I now identify as "gay".

    Am I likely to get a ton of followup questions after coming out, such as why it took me so long to realize I was gay instead of bisexual? What exactly should I prepare for? Like I mentioned I'm a bit conversationally challenged.

    Yet another issue is that my family is not homophobic or even religious. They are very progressive and liberal. Which gives me even less of an excuse. I'm glad they are as they are, but at the same time if they had been homophobic or even just conservatives I could easily use that as an excuse for why this took so long.

    And yet another thing, I feel like on a subconscious level I liked being "bisexual" because bisexuals get less attention. It's not even about bigotry so much as there's less fear of being reduced to your sexual orientation. The media heaps on expectations of what gay guys are supposed to be like. I neither desire to nor am capable of fitting those expectations. I got nothing against gay guys who do fit those expectations. I just wish "gay" could just mean "likes guys" and not come with a laundry list of myths and expectations. Even the positive stereotypes such as being good at fashion are bad, because it creates a standard I know I'm just not capable of living up to. Try as I might my brain's reward system just doesn't find information on fashion to be that interesting.

    On top of that, I will be moving soon, since all my job opportunities are far away and I also think it will be good to get to a new place for many reasons (new opportunities, self-discovery, ...). Maybe I could do that and then just act like I discovered I was completely gay while I was away in a new place. It may seem less strange then, since I have the narrative of having went to a new place and discovered it. It almost makes the amount of time it took look normal.

    Again sorry about the length but it was hard to conceive of how to put this any shorter.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    First and foremost, you are whom you are. Labels are just that, labels.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with figuring things out later than you perceive you should have figured things out. There is no "right" time to figure out your sexuality. The only right time is when it works for you.

    Your family might be liberal, they may not be homophobic, and that is great for them to have such a proper perspective. Unfortunately, as humans, we react to messaging from not only our parents, but from society at large as well. Denial is a defensive mechanism the helps protect us from shame. And shame comes from hateful messaging that we are all exposed to even outside of our family homes. And even with all the progress that has been made towards LGBT understanding and acceptance, there is still much more progress that needs to be made which is why your confronted with shame even though your family is liberal.

    As far as trying to correlate your identity to your job prospects, I would simply suggest you separate the two. They are mutually exclusive of one another, and you should not allow your sexuality impede what your trying to accomplish with your job prospects. Keep them separate. What this also means is your decision to come out to people or not should be based on your own confidence and desire to make yourself vulnerable rather than whether you think it may help or hurt your job prospects (I am not suggesting you come out to the world, but you can do so thoughtfully).

    Your concern about using a gay friend as a reference is one more example of a defensive mechanism you are using to protect you from shame. I would actually flip that around. If you have a gay friend, whom himself probably had to deal with his own process of accepting his sexuality, I would bet he would be understanding and supportive to hear you were gay. There is a general understanding amongst the LGBT community that accepting our sexuality and ourselves is a challenge. We each have our own journey and way of doing it. Just because someone did it sooner rather than later does not make it any less difficult. You might find an understanding ear if you were to tell him. There is always a risk he is not understanding, but I would say the odds are in your favor.

    Make yourself vulnerable. When you do, you might find your confidence and self esteem is built. By coming out to people, you are making yourself vulnerable. If you have a good reaction from those you come out to, it inherently builds confidence. And even if you get a back reaction, once you realize you were no worse off from such bad reaction, that as well build confidence.

    So, what are you waiting for?
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Apr 19, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2017
  3. SemiCharmedLife

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    I was in your position not long ago. I fought my attraction to guys for a long time. When I came out to a few people I identified as bi but realized that once I gave myself permission to think about guys that's all I wanted to do. And I basically said exactly that to the few people I had previously told I was bi. Nobody really had any issue with it.
     
  4. Minder

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    The girl who I kept noticing signs that she was interested in me, she invited me to see this band and then afterwards to this bar. There was a lot of pressure to go and I felt like I would be impolite to refuse.

    I wanted to tell her I was gay right away at the first bar, but we were in a bar with lots of people and another person was there with us (who didn't go with us to the next bar). There were a couple points where I could've brought it up, but I kept missing the moment. I did try to hint at it a few times hoping to prompt her to ask if I was gay. I said I didn't want kids (true). After I said it was my choice whether or not to have kids the other person at the table said that sometimes that happens on accident. I said that would be difficult for a guy like me, but that flew right over their heads. I was hoping that would prompt the "are you gay?" question so I could come out casually.

    And then at one point she mentioned a birthday party and invited me telling me I would probably be the only guy there but that "of course that's not a problem for you. That would only be a problem for a guy if he was gay." I laughed trying to laugh in a way that might give the impression that maybe I was laughing at that because she had just hit the nail on the head, but she didn't pick up on that. I should've been a little more explicit at this point. I should've said "so if someone is gay he probably wouldn't enjoy this party?". That would've lead to an "are you gay?" question for sure, but it just didn't occur to me.

    Then at the second bar I finally was able to tell her. She was upset but she texted a few days later that she understands. But she also says she won't tell anyone. *Sigh* I'm trying to come out, I was actually kind of hoping she would do it for me. I wasn't even trying to hide that I thought I was bisexual before, there just never was a good time to enter it into casual conversation. That and since I had questions about whether I was bisexual or gay and turned out to be gay I couldn't fully feel right saying I was bisexual.

    That night I was a bit panicked about the whole experience, so I came home and luckily my brother was home, so I talked to him about it. Then I told my parents what had happened.

    In a way this was good. I feel weird coming out for no reason with no context other than me coming out. Nobody says "hey everybody I have an announcement to make, I don't live olives but I love anchovie-pineapple pizza!" not unless you're ordering a pizza. The experience at the bar gave me a context to come out in. I needed that. I hate to be abrupt. I like everything I express to be smooth and fit the flow of conversation.

    It turned out a lot better than I had expected. My parents were pretty much just like "OK" just like they were when I came out as bi. There were no questions about what I did to discover I was gay (I had been afraid my mom would've suspected{correctly} I had been looking at porn, which she strongly disapproves of). I wasn't pressured to go into counseling for a lack of self-awareness, and my mom didn't use my being gay as a way to revive her previous criticism of my looking for a job in a bigger city like I had feared she would.

    But now I still need to come out to everyone else. Should I just switch my "Interested In" in my Facebook profile on (it's off right now) and check "Men" and just wait for people to notice and ask questions? It's what I did when I came out as bi back during college. On the other hand I feel like I should tell my friend I mentioned who is gay personally, but it's hard to arrange that. I'm kind of just hoping he'll ask to hang out for some reason (and soon) or he'll need a ride to an event at this group we're a part of and I'll be able to tell him then. It feels awkward trying to text him about it. But it also feels like I can't generally come out (can't switch my Facebook profile) until I tell him about it first.
     
  5. BostonStranger

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    Coming out is a journey that involves a lot of self discovery and that can take time. Some take longer than others and that's fine. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm both bisexual and politically active and I wouldn't call you coming out a second time as gay bisexual erasure. If anything that's gay erasure.
    I tried coming out by changing my interested in section, but no one ever noticed, so eventually I came out with a big Facebook post.

    As for stereotypes, you don't have to conform to anything. I know plenty of gay men who look and act like the average Joe. You are who you are, not who people tell you you are.

    If you want to come out, it sounds like the people around you are very progressive. I don't know them, but if you explain it, I'm certain they'll understand and support you.
     
  6. Chip

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    The reality is, no one will care if you change your identity from bisexual to gay.

    Many people realize that coming out is a process and that people need time to figure themselves out. And many people also understand about the Stages of Loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and how people in bargaining often take some time to let go of the piece of the straight identity they want to hold onto.

    People might give thought for 30 seconds, and then it will be a non-issue. If this feels right to you... go for it. :slight_smile: