I realize this is a very open ended question. But I need some peoples' experiences. In November, I admitted to myself that I was questioning my sexuality. It's now halfway through April and I have made no progress on anything. At least it doesn't feel like it. I've watched several LGBT-themed movies and read a few books, I've read other late in life coming out stories, I'm seeing a therapist who is LGBT-friendly, I've told the only friend I could tell about it what's going on, but...I feel like time is just passing by and nothing has happened. Since I am not working on my marriage either, nor are we tying up the loose ends on the divorce process (husband is busy with work and keeps putting it off), nothing is happening there either. I can't begin the moving on process because I'm not really divorced yet but neither are we working on our marriage. I feel guilty even going to an LGBT+ activity without having told him about all this (and I've had a couple of people to whom I have told more particulars about our marriage to say to wait on telling him for reasons unrelated to this issue) and yet I would like to meet some other people. I will most likely lose all my friends if I do come out and I would like to meet at least one other person before that happens. The only friend I've been able to confide in about all this lives in a different state. But I feel guilty going to an event with being in the "questioning stage" even though I emailed the coordinator and they said it was ok. How long between actively questioning and actually telling people did you have? Was there a maximum time? A minimum? Are my feelings of depression and that nothing is moving forward a sign I'm letting the dust settle, or am I rushing things? I hope this makes sense.
you may want to consider posting this question in the Later in Life section. There are quite a few members there that have gone through very similar experiences and might be able to provide some meaningful insight and advice on how to best proceed. Several things to consider in the meantime: 1) are you working with a therapist? If not, it might be helpful to do so as a trained therapist can provide some direction so you can continue to progress 2) Is there an LGBT center in Portland? You should feel comfortable going and meeting others there, or at a minimum reach out to them and see what programs might be on offer 3) Consider how shame is impacting your ability to figure out your sexuality. Shame is a powerful emotion. With shame, our minds create emotional barriers and defenses that might limit our ability to clearly understand our sexuality. Start a process to understand shame and begin to heal from it. Per your specific questions on timing, everyone has a different journey. Some people spend their entires lives questioning because they do not focus on the core issue of shame and internalized homophobia. Other people, once they consider themselves not to be straight move rather quickly to define their sexuality. Most fall somewhere in between. You journey will be predicated on how you proceed and what steps you take. As well, the divorce process can create a bit of a confusing period. And it sounds like you have begun going down the path of divorce but have not really progressed much. You should try and find a way to accelerate the process. I am not sure what reasoning you have for not being honest with your husband about your sexuality, but I personally can not really see any reason not to open up about it. That certainly might provide the foundation for him to recognize the divorce should proceed.
I hope I make sense responding on this. Sometimes when I have insomnia I'm less awake then I think I am. I thought about it, but I wanted to hear people's varied experiences, from young and quick to older and drawn out. Yes I am. I have a great therapist who is LGBTQ+ friendly. I've discussed this with her and she's been supportive. She said she's checking with other therapists on support groups or other such things. There is. And for anyone who reads this and is in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area: Q Center | LGBTQ Community Center Unfortunately, I'm a two hour drive from Portland and don't have a car. My town is very homosexual friendly and I'm honestly surprised to see there isn't more. There is a lesbian women's chorus, and a LGBTQ women's happy hour group on Meetup that is very active, and I really want to go to an activity, but I feel like I'm lying. Lying because I wouldn't tell my family and friends, and lying because I'd be going to this group with people who identify as something I'm not sure I am yet. I know that's part of it. There is so much that I'm ashamed of right now, and not just on this issue. I feel like I shattered my life and then someone took away the biggest pieces, threw in some ones I've never seen and told me to put it back together. It's a safety issue; he wouldn't be physically abusive but he very well could be verbally abusive. Also, with custody in the works I'd hate for him to have something else to use against me. We're pretty much on the same page right now; unfortunately he has to have full custody because I just can't afford a place big enough for my kids on my disability and financial aid. Right now he's there when I visit the kids, and it's cordial. I don't know if it would stay that way if I told him. I think he's ready to move on. At Easter he mentioned he had plans with another woman to go to a festival in Portland. I've asked several times to just join him for the day (he travels a lot) and he always has turned me down. Now he's asking this co-worker. Not a good sign. I'll just have to call on the paperwork and get things moving, which sucks because I hate calling places. I mean it's a borderline phobia.
