This is how it has to happen

Hey there, this is your regular conveyor of darkness. I've got another long and boring post for you to (not) read, that will (not) help anyone! I'm not used to posting here, but eventually I knew I would. This post is about how I plan on coming out. I'm writing this right now because I'm in a bad enough mood that A° I feel bad for not being out and B° I want to hurt myself enough to definitively set up the plan that's laid down below. I've been thinking about it for months, but writing it and sharing it will finalize the last details and make it a real thing, that I'll be forced to do, even when I'm not willing to. Although, I still want to hear your opinions on it. Perhaps I can improve my plan.

So first off, am I ready to come out? No. Will I be ready soon? No. Will I force myself to come out? Absolutely.
Here's why I won't come out in a "regular" manner to my family :

Spoiler

I don't trust my family. They haven't earned that trust, as mean as it sounds. They feed me, they house me, they give me cloths and all the tech goodies, but I have no trust in them understanding and accepting who I am.
For the records, I've always received mixed signals from my family. Early as a kid, in primary school, I was quite effeminate. My dad picked up on that multiple times and told me to stop because I sounded like a "f@g" (I translated but it's accurate). In the meantime he maintained the discourse that I'd be able to marry who I wanted, a girl or a boy, and I could clearly see that it bothered my mother (and he likes to kind of bicker her occasionally). Moving a bit in the years, my dad asked me once, at age 9 or 10, whether I was gay or not. It was out of the blue, I was unsure but I had doubts (I felt that something wasn't right with me), so I said "no", and he added "Well, thankfully. If you were, your mom would be so depressed" followed by a laugh. I think that's the day I was sure I'd not tell them.
Fast forward a few years and now I have found out that I'm undoubtedly gay, improved my social life a bit, made a friend (who's biologically female), and invited them (yeah, I said biologically) over a couple times because we both like to spend time, talking to each other about stuff we both like. Normal stuff. I noticed it after a while, but it seems that, since then, my dad has never mentionned anything about me being with either a girl or a guy, it's always been "When you have a wife" or "It'll be good if you have a girlfriend" or "If you wanna move, go to Ireland, the girls over there are cute" (since I plan on moving away from France ASAP, I'd prefer Canada honestly). In the meantime my sister still gets to pick between the male and female genders (and actually, if it turns out she's a lesbian, I'm gonna laugh my a$$ off) whenever my parents mention her being in a relationship in the future. So, that'd mildly upsetting.

For a couple of other reasons, I've decided I'd not ever want to tell my family about it. I can already hardly handle them (I never speak with my mom, because we don't share any interests and she's a very silent person; I sometimes play around with my sister because we both like being idiots; all I can ever talk about with my father is computer stuff, conspiracy theories and how nihilism is the only true way of conceiving humanity, which upsets me to no ends), and I don't want to suddenly share such private stuff with them (heck, it took me 4 months to admit to them that I liked drawing).

I wish they were openly homophobic, as weird as it sounds, because then I'd not have to deal with thinking that I might be wrong in taking the extreme route I'm gonna be talking about soon.. If they were my enemy, I'd not feel bad for what I'll do.

"But", I can hear you type, "you should only come out when you feel ready to!"
True. But. Here's why I want to come out :

Spoiler

Nobody can be prepared for the loneliness that accompanies being a closeted gay teenager (or bi/pan/ace/ase/etc.., let alone a trans/nonbinary teenager, but that's not my case, so, good luck to y'all out there, you'll need it), and nobody seems to have a long term solution to deal with it. I feel like I can handle it, I feel like I can distract myself, but in the end, when my body's sore because I've been drawing and playing an instrument for hours, when my brain's tired because I've been working on code all day long, and I'm not sleepy, all I want to do is have someone to give a hug to, or get a hug from. I want to feel that warmth again, of knowing someone likes you, and having someone know you like them. I wish I didn't crave affection as much as I do, and if there was a cure to stop that, I'd take it, but I do crave affection, and although distractions work to an extent, in the end, I'll realize that there is nobody besides me.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who sits silently and doesn't try anything. I'm always trying anything, regardless of whether it actually hurts me more or not. I tried going online, and I found there the most broken human beings I have ever seen (seriously, what's up with all those gay teenagers - assuming about 60% of them are teens - who have no clue how healthy relationships work and who are just about the physical intercourse? Seriously, the only folks who seemed a bit mature were always pan/bi). I have broken myself with them, and it yielded nothing but damage on my side. I don't want to repeat that any more, I'm damaged enough as it is.

So, what are the options? IRL. I know there are other queer folks out there who are my age or close enough. I just need the confidence and liberty to go out and meet them, but since whenever I want to go out on my own (which is rare I agree) it sounds suspicious to my parents, I don't have such freedom. (and we shan't talk about my confidence, it's close to 0, that's why I'm here writing this post after all). So, as I always do, I type my problems into a web search engine and invariably, all the advices I get are "Step 1: Come out". After reading that I always close the tab I'm reading, and after a while, I realize there is no tab left.

So, I need to come out, because I need freedom. I need to feel like I'm one of those teens who is out and happy. I need that.

"But hold on", I can hear you type once more, "that sounds unhealthy. There are probably better ways to get what you want."
Sure. I'd like to hear them down below, but, right now, sit tight, the worse hasn't come yet.

Here's a preambule of my plan :

Spoiler

Ever since I felt that oppression against LGBT people in the western world was still a real, concrete thing that existed (circa June 2016, the Pulse nightclub Shooting), I've taken extra caution to hide any data on my laptop (aka my only private space) that could out me. One of the only reasons I'm thankful my dad taught me so much about computers and programming is that I'm quite good at cryptography and encrypting stuff I want to hide. And like that, about 120GB of my hard drive is an encrypted storage space I reserve for various things (fanfics, convo logs, cute pics, etc) that'd get me outed, or would raise suspicion.
But when things got darker (circa November 2016), I wanted to end that and come out. The need to do so quickly faded away and instead I became very paranoid and crafted two plans (because that's a thing I like to do, plan things) to deal with an hypothetical unwanted outing : one of them was running away from home (if things weren't so bad) and the other one was.. well.. suicide (if I couldn't escape physically; appropriately called "The OMEGA solution").
Again, around the beginning of January, I felt the confidence of coming out again (boosted by my craving of affection, because.. mating season or whatever), but things turned sour and I was put off by a comment of my father (which I can't recall) and I decide that things would not go exactly as I planned. They'd go darker.

I decided my coming out would also include me running away from my home.
Why so? Why being so extreme? First off, I like extreme solutions, because they keep me safe even from the most extreme possibility that my family reacts extremely badly. It is also the only compromise I can think of between coming out quickly, coming out to my family to have freedom, and, more importantly, not being around them and have to handle the fact that they know. It's also a form of self destruction, I have to say, so, that's that. I like hurting myself, a lot. :icon_bigg

The plan is already written in details. I'll have food, spare cloths, water, money (well hidden), sunglasses, a padlock, a pocket knife, batteries, a radio (and earphones), a pencil and a little notebook, a map, a small laptop with a portable system on a USB key, and so on. I've been gathering things for a while now, and I'm almost done. I will also need to look up shelters around my area.
This year, I have exams by mid-June, so, I won't be able to run away before at least the 15th of June, after which I'll try to keep you updated (but public Wifi isn't a big thing over here).
I don't actually care what my life will be after that (remember, I like to hurt myself), but right now it sounds like the only reasonnable thing to do. I feel frustrated on so many interfaces, that breaking everything sounds like the only solution, and I hardly believe that if I wait longer, my definition of "break everything" won't become more.. definitive (I still have the second plan, that I'd rather not execute).

How does it sound? I can't not do it.. I won't handle another year of being like I am right now.. I'd really appreciate some external input to know how I can improve things before I actually do it.

 

Keep in mind I wrote the first post in a terrible mood, a few hours before a breakdown, and I'm writing this three days later, in a rather high mood. That, however, doesn't change my idea of what I need to do. It only turns my despair into motivation and determination (and probably blind self-confidence; pleonasm). The only difference is less cringy whining. Still, a lot of whining.

Spoiler

There may not be a deadline for coming out, but if I want to put one, then I will. Even when I'm in a good mood, I'm rather manipulative with myself. With everything in life I need to force myself, and even more these past years. If I had nothing forcing me to do anything I'd not work at school, not get out of bed, not draw, not play, not come here, and I'd simply let myself die of starvation watching YouTube videos in my bed. (death by dehydration actually comes faster..)

Whining about my objectives and why they're important:

Spoiler

I have pretty straight (lol, straight) objectives. I also know that if I don't get there fast enough, the next breakdown could be my last. I keep alternating, monthly, periodically. I have been going on for more than a year and a half. First I'm euphoric and energetic and sociable for a while, usually about a week or so. Then, I become neutral for a while. Then, I start feeling progressively worse, and I know what's coming. Usually about 4~5 days later (but it can be as short as 1 and as long as 7), some sort of inner desire takes over me, literally. I'm not me any more. I'm not in control of what I do, what I say. I let all my desires take over me, a sort of undistinctable mass of anger, frustration, sadness, depair, depression, etc.. It's dark. It's existed since I was a child. It, or rather "I", hurt myself more times than I can count, since kinderkarten (yes, there was that time I tried cutting open my arm's veins in the cafeteria during lunch time because I was somewhat upset by something... stupid knifes wouldn't even have cut bread, what did I think). "I" always felt like "I" should rid myself from Earth, and that since I'm young enough to form memories. But it's worse now. It comes in cycles. Each time it goes further. Each time, "I" get closer to what "I" want deep inside, and that's ending everything (in a big show, because, even deep inside, I love making a show of myself). Every time I know it's gonna happen, I fear it's gonna be the one, and I can only use the high phase to help myself, since I downgrade to a powerless slob which doesn't care when it ends.
I thought it was gone, yet it's not, it doesn't go away. It's been with me my whole life, I pushed it away years ago, it came back. It will kill me in the end. I will kill myself, one day. That, I'm certain since I'm effing 7 years old. I don't know when, or how. But I know so many ways of doing so. When I cross the street, when I take a bath, when I look through the window, when I'm up on a high stairway, when I'm alone at home working on my bedroom's internet wiring, my mind shows me the many ways I could take my life, at any time, it has been doing that, for years. When I close my eyes and feel like I'm not thinking about anything (because I often work to the point where I'm mentally exhausted, that's how I kept my sleeping schedule somewhat for a while) I see myself die in so many ways.
I could've killed myself in middle school, in primary school, at home, in high school. At any point I can do it, I know it, I've known it for years, and that's my only real fear on this damn planet.

For reference purposes, even after I answered (when I was 9), he kept talking about both. I only noticed that it stopped recently after I invited my (female presenting) friend home a couple times. Whatever it is that he believes, both my parents see me with a wife, having kids, and so on.

Whining :

Spoiler

I can't handle hearing that any more. It's somewhat pleasing to think "Y'all are gonna cry so much when you find out", but it doesn't wash away the discomfort of feeling that the people you're wasting your (precious) teenage years with don't know you, bore you as eff, and you feel like they're strangers... kinda. I feel like I'm the strange one actually, I feel like I'm the one who doesn't belong there. That's also why I want to go away.

I told you, I wish they were openly homophobic. At least I'd know what to expect. But even when they don't sound "that bad" I'm not willing to take the risk. I'm rather someone who protects himself (oddly enough), and always sees the worst outcome possible, and prepare for it (I actually think I copied that from my father; a lovely man isn't he? He always told me as a kid, that even his friends he didn't trust, that other people are disposable and untrustworthy, however close to you they think they are. "The usable idiots" he calls them. Disgusting scrub, he is. But he was taught by his own father. I believed him, until I found out that only through making friends I could accept my deviation from society's norms.).

Oh and my sister,
Oh my. I suspect she's just as emotionally messed up as I am. That or she's normal and normal people cry alone in their bedroom sometimes. Maybe that's it. I haven't really cried in like, three years.
But anyways, she's family. She's one of them. She's with them. I don't trust them, so I don't trust her either.

And my school.. well, my mom works there. So, school's off limits. And if I told my school anything too extreme (like "Hey dear school councelor, yesterday I felt really bad and I took my razor blade and cut myself because I felt like I needed to be punished for getting a B- on my Math test. What did you do yesterday?" I actually cut for that reason, mostly, multiple times)) they'd freak out and call my parents. So, nope. That's why I never told school anything. They're with my family.

Why? Why talk with you people? I can't be helped. You may say whatever you want, nothing can convince me. Probably because I feel almighty all the way up in my tower and y'all normal folks are down there trying to help me climb down but nope.
My problem is, whatever anyone says, the other voice in my head, "I" will find a way to contradict you, and even when you come up with something irrefutable, I can shut you down by the simple click or a cross on my browser's topbar. This is also why I never get help IRL, and why the only friends I'm honest with live so far away that I need the internet to talk to them. There are multiple reasons, actually :
1° I followed the teachings of my father and absorbed in the core of my personality, early in my childhood, that being vulnerable is a bad thing and having people know your genuine you is consequently a dangerous thing. I couldn't be open with friends until I was 14. So if you're not close to me physically, you don't represent a danger because I don't feel like you can really affect me. You can't affect my family either. You become powerless. I'm willingly here, as well. "I" can cut that at any time, "I" can stop talking to my friends through the internet at any time, "I" can even block them during a breakdown, which I already did once. "I" am very smart, and "I" know exactly how to destroy my support network.
2° My real life is my parents' belonging, until I'm independant. I can't go out without them knowing. I can't do anything without them knowing. That's how it works, I feel. My virtual life, however, is mine and mine only. Only there can I freely exist and experiment. I cannot live a real life. I'm too afraid for that.

You cannot help me with that. I'm only here, on EC, to help others, whatever I might think. This is why I don't care when I don't get a response on the threads I start. I only exist to help others.

More Whining :

Spoiler

I stopped believing things could change for me as well. Hope hurts more than anything. I know it brings me closer to death than I've ever been (even closer than that time I tied a RJ45 chord around my neck and around the curtain rod and stood on the edge of my bed ready to jump; but short drop hanging sucks, it takes too long; plus the curtain rod surely can't even handle the bare 45 kilograms of my body), but if it hurts less I'm willing to survive on that (funny wording.. I'm not even living, just, surviving). I'm willing to survive with my mind telling me that I'm imagining all of this and it's just my fault that I'm like that. That it was my idea in the first place to conciously do everything I did up to this point, even if I also know it's not true. I'm constantly battling my own thoughts, since I'm old enough to understand what conciousness is.

Also, young? Me? Maybe, and that's part of the problem. I'm barely 16. No friends I see in real life. No interest like the people my age's. I do nothing outside of school that puts me in a social situation in real life. I barely go outside, in fact.
Maybe when I'm 20 I'll finally cry myself to sleep each night thinking about all the time I wasted because I was an ignorant cretin who mistook his parents' seldom negative or stereotypical mention of gay people for aggressive homophobia and maybe I could have a better life, and that's the problem.
Although, if I'm even alive by the time I'm 20 that will be a miracle. I'll probably finally do something and actually kill myself before.
And I'm young in body. But. I'm emotionally underdeveloped (like, I actually saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed that; just a few years, nothing too bad) and cognitively, I developed early (hence all the "death" thinking in my childhood, I hear it happens a lot with people messed up like me; they had to take me to a child psychologist; very kind lady she was, I wonder how she is...).
And no, I'm not relaxing. I'm never relaxed (to the surprise of that one chiropractor I saw once, actually; he told me all my muscles were, like, permanently tense, like I was on alert at all times; it was three years ago and even today I can say he's right), I cannot relax. I never learned that. I doubt I have the will to take care of myself to learn that.

So whatever my motives, they're irrelevant on this part of the forum. I only wish to know how I can improve my plan so far and how it sounds. I should probably not have added the context, but I thought it'd help. If it just distracts you people from my question then I could ask to remove the spoilers.

Or you could ignore this thread entirely, I don't feel like I should care. Whatever happens happens. I'll eventually do it, whatever the plan is at that moment. Whoever is in control of my actions.

TL;DR: Thanks for the reply but that's not helpful. Although, stirring a bit of the darkness in my mind helps, a bit. It makes things organized, you know..