Hello all, and thanks to those who take the time to read this. I tend to waffle on a bit so honestly thanks for reading this wall of text. I'm 28 years old and I think I am about ready to admit that I am gay... or just not straight or something. I am lucky enough to say that I do not fear judgement or persecution from my friends and family; the only person that's having a rough time accepting it is me. In my early teen years I did not entertain the idea that I wasn't your classic straight dude. I was physically into girls and had very real attractions to them. In retrospect, there were fleeting moments in my childhood but I didn't really understand what I was feeling. It was only when I happened to observe a male friend of mine pleasuring himself (long story and not as creepy as it sounds) that I first realized that I could feel strong physical attractions to men. I would later go on to make out with one man in between my various girlfriends and can admit I loved it. I have been with women this whole time but I've always felt I wasn't as into it as I should be. As time went on my attraction to women lessened and my attraction to men rose. Now, I would say that I'm attracted almost exclusively to men when I walk down the street. I think a huge part of me being unable to accept everything that's happening to me is that I don't get how something like that can change. I mean I accept that it can because it obviously has... but i don't -get- it. I still find heterosexual porn arousing, and strangely unless it's solo male stuff or the like I don't get anything from man on man porn. Like, at all. I also really like lesbian scenes. But none the less in real life situations I basically never notice women in a sexual way and I do notice men. Has anyone else experienced this strange lack of correlation between the porn they enjoy and the attractions they feel in real life? It always leaves me very confused and makes me hesitant to come out of the closet because part of me thinks I don't really know what I am so how can I tell someone else if i don't know myself? At any rate, something has to give because I find myself in this loop of being in your classical hetero relationships. I find them incredibly emotionally fulfilling but sexually I know something is not right. I am currently going through therapy and discussing these issues with a professional but I was hoping to hear from someone that's gone through the same sort of confusion just to know I'm not crazy. Thanks for your time.
Hey there. I'm Cam. Welcome to EC. The people here are friendly and supportive and it's a great place to discover who you are in a safe and accepting environment. Porn is not an indicator of your sexuality. So please don't question what your reaction to it means. I'm glad you're talking to someone about how you're feeling.
Hey I dont have the exact same story as you but I can definitely sympathise. I didnt figure out I was gay until I was in my mid to late 20's and when I first started questioning I was so confused, like how could I only realise it then. I think the problem is that growing up society just guides you into being straight so you assume you are straight. I dont know how I thought gay people knew they were gay but I just assumed they did and whilst I was never really into guys I also put that down to being quiet and shy and lacking confidence. I was never turned off by guys so I figured maybe when I was a bit older I would come out of my shell etc. The years ticked by but nothing really changed. I think when you are a teenager etc there are so many hormones raging, they are having all these new experiences and sometimes peoples sex drive can be high and so they dont realise that maybe something is missing until later. As the above poster said porn is often not a reliable indicator as to your actual sexuality so I wouldnt worry about that. What you like in real life is what you should go with.
