My 11 y.o. told me he is bisexual and in an online relationship

The age gap is pretty large at that age. I know because I also had the same problem (I was 14 when I had an online relationship with a 17-almost 18 year old). The relationship was not healthy at all, so I worry for him.

That being said, sometimes online relationships of any sort can be just as genuine as in person ones, and sometimes even better. I met my best friend online, and we have been friends now for 10 years. We have met in person though, but only twice (we skype/text otherwise) and I think that's the main difference here.

BUT, this situation isn't like the one with my friend. You've never met the other kid personally, he's way too old to be dating your son at the moment, and trying to seek out online relationships at 11 years old is very dangerous. It's not the healthiest relationship for him.

I would just have a discussion on online safety...just phrase it as if It's not a sexuality issue. If he were a straight boy dating an older girl online, you'd still be concerned.

 

Sorry not really. I'm 25 and in the closet still and only started questioning at 22, but all the signs were there from when i was your sons age. I just mislabeled and dismissed them because i was not raised in an accepting environment.

I'm curious though. Has your son done any sort of video chatting with this boy? Like so there's proof it really is just a boy, cause you're understandably afraid of that. I mean there's stuff like Skype and Facebook Live and Younow and shit so befriending even youtubers or other LGBT people who hang out on younow is easy nowadays. I think its easier finding an accepting environment online - on here, with youtubers, etc. But shouldn't be just online. Is there a Gay-Straight Alliance type club at his school that he can go to? I know colleges have them and i think nowadays a lot of schools do. Maybe that's something he'd be interested in, for some real life support. You've gotta have a support network of some kind when you're LGBT, i swear...but its not a good idea to do as i have and make it solely online. Maybe your son can find some good friends cause his friend was a real asshole to force him to come out like that. Sounds like he needs some new friends.

Perhaps other parents on here can help you figure out how to go about addressing the online relationship thing. There was a parent on the Parents of LGBT or whatever its called thread that was in a similar situation and i loved how they handled it...i just can't remember their name. I just remember that they had very open communication, they had ground rules, that sort of thing. But they weren't invasive and controlling about it, cause i feel like if you do it like that it can push your kid away and you don't want that.

Whatever you do, definitely have a talk about online safety. I wouldn't say no online chatting at all...but educate him cause kids tend to think 'oh that will never happen to me'. See if there are any general guidelines for kids out there on signs to look for of a predator versus a real kid just like them. I wouldn't make it all about the boyfriend this early, that can get taken the wrong way easily i feel like. He needs to feel like at the very least, if something happens he can come to you and you will listen and love him not judge him and punish him. That's what alienated me from my mom very young, around your son's age really. Its simultaneously heartbreaking and super sweet hearing from accepting parents like you on this site.

 

Hello Luckymomma,

Welcome to EC! Thank you for being such a concerned and understanding parent!

You are absolutely correct in your evaluation. It can be very traumatic to be involuntarily Outed. The other kid’s parents’ had no business telling anyone about your son’s sexuality and your friend’s son had no business sharing that information with his parents (or anyone else) in the first place. This kind of thing really makes me angry.

How is your son handling it?

In terms of ending the online relationship, that is up to you as a parent, but you are certainly right to be concerned about online predators. If the other guy is who he says he is (perhaps a Skype session could help prove that he really is who he says he is), there is still the age difference, which between an 11 year old and a 14 year old can be significant. However, if the other kid is truly in another country, you don’t have to worry about them meeting face to face. And, perhaps, this older kid has been helping to your son to understand his sexuality.

I would recommend that you sit down with your son and have an open, 2way conversation with him about your concerns. Maybe you can be open to reasonable compromise so that he can continue to talk to this other boy, if you can verify that he really is who he claims to be and you feel comfortable doing so. Your son’s idea of a boyfriend at his age (especially an online boyfriend) may very well just be someone that he can talk openly with about his sexuality.

Then, perhaps, call the school back and ask them why they think that your son’s sexuality is any of their business. Do they call the parents of straight students who might have online boyfriends or girlfriends? It sounds like your school officials need some real LGBTQ sensitivity training.

After that, maybe call the parents who called the school and ask THEM what business it is of theirs what your son’s sexuality is and why they think that they are free to spread such personal and private information about someone else around?

Just my thoughts!

 

Yeah, just make sure he's really only fourteen through Skype. Some boys start younger in exploring their sexuality, and in a way it's best at that age to be doing it online, 'cause it's safe sex, if that's what they're doing. I wouldn't necessarily make him cut all ties, if he's real. My parents took the Internet away from me when I was eighteen, after I went out to lose my virginity with a guy I met online. And it still bothers me to this day, as he was a really nice guy(he cried when he took it) I always think, too, that I could have continued seeing him, avoiding what I went through with other people just taking advantage of me, if they wouldn't have interfered. Plus, since they're so young and won't meet in person until they're both old enough to work and save for plane tickets, the age difference isn't that much of an issue at the moment, is it?

 

I'm glad you understand the dangers of online relationships.
Especially with sexting etc also being a thing. Once that kind of stuff leaks on the internet you can never erase it completely. This is a real threat wether the other person is a genuine 14 year old or not.
You should make sure he understands the risks and that even if the other kid is genuine, feelings towards eachoter may change in the future and who knows what will happen then.

I understand if you might find this to intense to show your 11 year old, It's a true story of a girl who got tricked into webcam sex by an adult who then used it against her.
The video shows the girl telling her story by showing handwritten messages.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsbYHI-rZOE
Perhaps you can find other age appropiate material instead.

I do find it strange the parents of the friend he told (who did the right thing by telling his parents imho) talked to the school instead of directly to you. But it's good it's atleast not a secret anymore.
And while his sexual orientation is not the school's business it is definitely their busines to tell a students parents if their 11 year old kid is in an online relationship. That's the issue here, not wether he is gay or bi or straight.

I suppose the most important thing is that he understands the dangers of online contact with strangers and that he knows he can always at any point and about anything talk to you guys.

Anyway, those are my 2 cents.

 

Hello Luckymomma,

I would like to modify what I posted earlier when I said:

I was initially focused on the forced Outing of your son and extremely bothered by it. But after I've had some time to consider what happened, I can see that if his friend was concerned for your son's safety with this online relationship and your friend's parents were equally concerned, I think that their intent was extremely honorable, even though the way they went about it doesn't seem to make sense. Why did the other parents involve the school in the first place? Why not talk directly to you?

I can also see that if the main concern was your son's safety, the school official(s) did exactly the right thing in notifying you of a possible problem. In that case, I don't see that the school official(s) did anything at all incorrect here.

Just thought that I would follow-up.