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Where now?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by martialmaster, Apr 26, 2017.

  1. martialmaster

    Regular Member

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    I posted here a few months ago, but I've sort of become a little bit more about myself.

    I came out to my mother about the fact I've had doubts about my sexual orientation. Doubts that have been there for a very long time, but I have been more able to ignore up until the last nine months or so.

    Basically, I always found attraction to men and was aware of it from when I was eight, but I was largely never aware I was getting erections thinking about them. What I was aware of was thinking about having sex with women, or heterosexual porn. Lesbian porn as a teenager did more for me, but even as I was doing it, I think I was imaging myself join them, which some of me wonders was I fantasizing over an externalized fantasy of myself. That last thought, may be overthinking it, because I've almost always had an erection from kissing women. I've never had a problem having sex with women. Maybe a handful of times I've either not had an erection or failed to sustain one, though usually that's been down to too much alcohol, cold or weirdly lighting. I generally don't think I'm thinking about men when I have sex with women and if I do I'm not concentrating on them. They might come up as flashes, but so do a lot of things.

    Women though, I can find attractive, but I'm not attracted to. In other words, I can tell if a girl is beautiful, or has something sexy about her, but it's all "top down" - my eyes are seeing her, my mind is telling me she's got nice features, especially nice eyes which I can usually stare into for ages, but there's not a big internal body draw, like I would have with men. When I make a move on a woman, it'll be because I've decided mentally that sex might be fun. It's not a fire inside of me, which I've been more and more recently aware of that I have for men. This is odd, because there are situations where I have an erection in the company of women, because I can feel something sexual about to happen. Or if a woman finds me attractive and tells me she wants to have sex with me, I'm able to imagine having sex with her.

    Generally speaking, I don't get an erection thinking about men, but I do feel the draw to make a move sometimes. Something which has been happening more and more recently around friends. Which is a shame. I had a great deal of platonic relationships which I now have to back away from, because I realize that on my part there was something fraudulent about them, I wanted more than what I thought I did and what was being offered. I do feel aroused when men take off clothes, or are muscular etc. Recently I google image searched "sexy black men" (sounds ridiculous) and over the course of scrolling through these pictures got an erection. Scrolling through naked pictures of women, or watching them strip does not always have the same effect. Scrolling through pictures of girls that I think are attractive sometimes gives me an erection. Being in a bed with a naked woman usually does make me have an erection though.

    So one could say I'm bi, but the clear swing is in favour for men. I have to go out and experiment, but the experiment has to wait until I finish university. I may go for counselling because this is not what I wanted.

    I also think I've developed a minor priapism from obsessing over this. For a while I'd fantasize over a woman or watch straight porn and see if I'd get a boner, then try and "kill it" with gay thoughts. This was in part to prove to myself I wasn't gay. Then I went for a period of trying to relax into gay thoughts in order to kill whatever internalized homophobia I had. So now my penis in the company of men doesn't know where it's at. I keep having weird shrinking moments, which used to happen when I attempted to watch gay porn to see where I stood. It'd shrink up to the size of a pea. or I'll end up with blue balls from it being in a state of semi-erection. It's painful.

    What I'm going to say is going to sound homophobic (and yes, it may well be) but even though I was a bit of a play boy (slept with around 75 women) in my twenties, I always planned on settling down with a women and having kids, now I realize I can't really have that - my brain doesn't make the same emotional connection in the way I think it does for men I don't have the same lust for life. I have to create new reasons for being alive other than doing the family thing. I know it's possible to have a gay couple and adopt kids, but it's a lot more difficult, from not just a legal/adoption centre angle but finding a solid mate. Joining the gay community is going to be hard for a variety of reasons - it's more difficult to make it as a successful actor (Luke Evans is kind of my hero at the minute though), image wise it's completely contrary to the way most of my friends have me in their head and I'm not really about to go full promiscuous gay. With women, I usually picked who I'd have a one night stand with with some belief I wouldn't mind doing it with them again if it was reasonable sex. With men, if I do go looking for a partner, I kind of want to have a relationship with someone either bigger than me - or more masculine and I want them to be around for a while.