This might be a little long, but I think you should read the whole story to have a legit insight to it, and I’m kind of clueless at the moment. So, I’m 25 years old and am a lesbian. I live in middle-Europe. I went through the process where I accepted that I was bisexual at first, and then I realised that I’ve been a lesbian in my whole life. So it’s not a question anymore and I’m comfortable being a lesbian. Throughout the past circa six years I’ve always had company who knew I was gay (they were gay too), though I never officially came out and I’m not really planning to (I don’t think it would be wise, due to the discrimination gay people face/might face in my country). Times changed however, and I found myself in the closet yet again. Relationships and friendships broke off eventually, and I’m in a phase where everything is changing in my life at the moment. I have one very good friend though, and I’ve been seriously thinking about coming out to her, however I’ve always been kind of reluctant to do so. She’s heterosexual and I just wasn’t sure how she felt towards gay people until very recently. She had a new colleague who happened to be gay. I was quite happy that when she told me about him, she always referred to him as ’gay’, so she used a friendly term, not a homophobic one. Sadly it cleared up that she only called him ’gay’, because she thought it would be rude to call him a ’f**got’ in front of him, so she wouldn’t even referred to him this way as long as they were colleagues. The guy got fired though, and my friend was so happy and satisfied about it, that she immediately referred to the situation as her ’f**got colleague has just got fired hahaha’. I was so, so disappointed in her. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve almost come out to her, but this attitude just stopped me. I do not want to be around someone who might call me that behind my back, or who is okay with language like that at all. Did you have any similar experience? And if so, what did you do? And how you survive socially when you find yourself in the closet yet again? Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my first language, though I try to do my best.
Hey your English is good do not worry. Its a really difficult one, I have never been in this situation but you definitely have my sympathy. I think I would probably just try and look for new friends which isnt really easy but I dont know if I could be good friends with someone with these views towards gay people. I suppose the only other option is to pick her up on it and ask her why she thinks it is ok to have these views and tell her you dont agree with it. The problem with this is that you leave yourself a little vulnerable to her questioning you personally on it. I am sorry I dont have better advice but I am sure that some other EC members will have some better advice to share.
Thank you! I was thinking about the same... I can't really look at her the same way after this. We've been friends since four years and not even once has she said anything like that. Never been this specific. And now... it was so hateful and honest from her, that I don't feel safe anymore about this topic with her. I guess, on the other hand she did feel safe around me to say such a thing. She moved away some months ago, so this is a long distance friendship now. I just really hoped that she would be open-minded, but this came out of the blue. Looking for new friends does seem to be a healthy option... Thank you for your answer and advice!
No problem. At least with it being a long distance friendship moving on will probably be easier. I am sorry that things are not as accepting in your country but I hope you will find the right people to do friends with so you feel safe and secure and be yourself.
Thank you for your kind words. I hope that too. I've recently met some really nice people that I get on well with, maybe I will focus on those new acquaintances more. I'm considering leaving the country after I finish university. It's not that it is impossible to be gay here, but I definitely don't feel safe being gay. And being 25 years old, I'm pretty tired of having to hide.
