1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I can't do it. Wish there was a third option.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by okccpdude, May 4, 2017.

  1. okccpdude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I was very close to coming out but am starting to get cold feet. I've told two friends, one accepted and the other did not. For the backstory, see the following thread.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/148715-extreme-fundamentalist-parents.html

    Basically, right now I see two futures for myself. Here is how each one will play out.

    1) Stay in the closet and continue the status quo. There will be very little happiness in my life in the near term doing this, but at least it's not as bad as it was when I was doing conversion therapy. I will be able to maintain a relationship with my family and in three years, I'll be able to move to a major, more progressive city where I won't have to deal with the all-encompassing cultural homophobia draining me emotionally and where there will be more activities and experiences to help make single life more tolerable. If I choose this route, I will likely send my parents a letter of reassurance that I am not "back in the lifestyle" which they currently suspect that I am. Life will never be fulfilling but at least this option is "safe" and I know what I will be facing. There is an old saying that the "devil you know is better than the one you don't." I won't have to deal with the shame and stigma of being gay.

    2) Come out of the closet and jump into the gay dating pool. Doing this will likely result in a harsh response from my family and I will be forced to distance myself from them or cut them off entirely for my own sanity. I will have to watch the lives of everyone I love disintegrate because of my actions. Meanwhile, what I will get in return is the over-sexualized, flaky, backstabbing life of gay culture. I know that doesn't describe all or even most gay people, but it's the general rule of venues like gay bars and ******. When you live in a small town, those are really the only options you have to meet people.
    While this may give the the opportunity to eventually have a partner, it may not and it ultimately may not be fulfilling. At least now I have a family who loves me, albeit conditionally. I could end up out of the closet and completely alone, with no family and subject to the shame and stigma of being gay.

    Neither of these options seem attractive to me and I wish there was some kind of third way but there isn't. I want to add that moving is 100% not an option until April 2020 so either way, I'll be stuck here for three more years.
     
  2. ForeverRainbow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Here
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel so sorry for you. The amount of emotional torture you must be going through is unimaginable to me.
    I honestly don't know what to say. It can be just as painful to hide yourself away like that for three whole years as to be rejected but open. Having came out once before, and having had to lie about being straight, coming out again could have an even worse backlash than the first time.
    If I had to pick one, as much as it would pain me, I would stay in the closet for now. It would likely result in a far happier life beyond the next 3 years, whereas coming out now could result in none at all.
    Please remember that you are amazing. I have so much sympathy for you.
    If you need me, I am ALWAYS here to help.
    All the best,
    Nat.
     
  3. okccpdude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for this advice. This is honestly what I am leaning towards now. That's three more years of my life that will technically be wasted, but I really don't see another option given these circumstances. It sucks, but it is what it is. I didn't choose to be gay and I didn't choose to be born into one of the most bigoted families on the planet.

    I had a nightmare last night, where the situation with my parents and my ex-roommate replayed exactly as it happened. That pretty much scared me out of what I was about to do.
     
  4. ForeverRainbow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Here
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It's no problem. I can't think of anyone who needs advice more than you do right now. This can be so damaging to your mental health, so it's so important that you make the right choice. I'd think of your choice like this; short-term pain and long-term gain, or possibly all gain, but probably all pain. I'd continue pretending for now. But please, for your own sake, move out as soon as you can. Please.
    I feel so badly for you, I just wanna give you a big hug (*hug*)
    Best wishes,
    Nat.
     
  5. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You need to cut your family out of your life--entirely and immediately. Whether you come out or not seems so completely secondary to this in my opinion. Once you've done that then you can deal with the gay thing--maybe you'll be alone, maybe you won't. But, to be honest, after reading some of your posts alone sounds infinitely superior to where you're at now.
     
  6. BostonStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've read your story and wow, I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like. First of all, coming out, despite going back in the closet, took tremendous courage. I'm 100% certain I wouldn't have had the guts to do that in such a conservative community. So massive props to you! (*hug*)

    I don't have any first hand advise, but my mum did have a somewhat similar situation with her parents, though the two can't really be compared. She grew up with a very narcissistic and manipulative mother and a father who just went along with it. She endured years of psychological abuse, which climaxed when my parents got a divorce and she pretty much disowned my mum, for a while anyway. I didn't take long before she started playing her mind games again. My mum got a lot of therapy to repair years worth of damage and she has made a lot of progress, but she remained vulnerable to my grandmother's mind games, until her therapist told her that she should just consider them to be crazy, simply out of their mind crazy. As stupid and judgemental as that may sound, it's true and it has helped her a lot.

    If being out and moving to another city isn't an option, then finding ways to cope with your ultra conservative parents might be the best way to go for now. Shielding yourself from them by considering them to be crazy could help. Like I said, the situations can't be compared, but it could be an option.
     
    #6 BostonStranger, May 4, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2017
  7. okccpdude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for your story. I can actually relate and the situations are more comparable than you think (except for me its reversed). My father is the one who is truly narcissistic and crazy as is everyone on his side of the family. I have learned to simply lump my dad into the craziness honestly. My mom is easily manipulated and goes along with it. She is also very emotional. I really could care less about my dad. It's my mom that I care about. My sister shares the same religious views but I think she could accept me coming out (though she wouldn't be happy about it).

    I honestly think if my mom got away from my dad for a good length of time, she could also learn to accept it.
     
  8. BostonStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just being away from the social system that is home can help. We develop specific behaviours for our interactions with different people. Those can change, but it becomes harder the longer they've had to develop. If your dad (and his family) indeed are the root of the problem, then that could help, but it would take a lot of time.

    I'm wondering how you're coping with your religious upbringing, as I was raised Christian myself. (If that's ok to ask) The church we went to passed itself off as being progressive, and they were convinced that they were supportive of LGBT+ rights, but they still preached that they would go to hell and wouldn't marry same sex couples, because marriage was meant for couples to have children. Pretty hypocritical considering that they'd marry elderly couples. I left the church and turned to agnosticism, but it took me years to get rid of that fear of God. Religion can be a beautiful thing, but it can be hell when it turns against you.
     
  9. okccpdude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I would agree. It wouldn't chance right away but there would at least be hope without my dad in the picture. That's a complete hypothetical though and is not going to happen.

    At this point, my religious upbringing occasionally comes into play but its secondary to the situation with my parents. After conversion therapy, I did the "Side B" thing for a while. For those who don't understand, Side B is Christians who struggle with same-sex attraction, have accepted that their orientation isn't changing, but have committed to lifelong celibacy in order to honor God. Around the time of the SCOTUS decision on gay marriage, I was so disgusted by the evangelical reaction to that I left my church like leaving an abusive relationship and haven't looked back. The Trump-worship among these people only cemented that decision. These days, I teeter back and forth between "backslidden" Christian and agnostic.