Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for the length of this post because I'm anticipating it being very long. This is the first time I've ever openly talked about my experiences on a forum intended for LGBT people, so I'll probably ramble. I also find it difficult to articulate myself when I'm overwhelmed, so I'm sorry if parts of this post get janky. So I've known I wasn't straight since I was very young, about 8 years old or so. I've been struggling with my identity ever since this first realization. While most of my family now identify as atheists, both my parents have ultra religious backgrounds (for example, my European side were Jehovah's Witness ... so yeah, very religious) and this was a HUGE factor in my self loathing. I remember very vividly thinking that God must be watching me and thinking I was disgusting and dirty, so I forced myself to repress my attraction to girls. I guess I hoped that by ignoring my feelings, they would eventually just go away. Well, regardless of what I hoped, I couldn't keep acting like those feelings didn't exist. When I was 14, I came out for the first time, to one of my (Internet) friends who's also part of the LGBT community. He was very patient and understanding and helped me see that it really wasn't such a big deal. Ever since then, I've been gradually getting more comfortable with myself and more comfortable with the LGBT community in general. However, this is where things start to go downhill. See, as much as I want to be out and dating girls and loving myself, I still can't completely get rid of the sick feeling I get when I think about coming out of the closet. There are a few factors to this, the first one being that the thought of coming out to my family is terrifying. The thing is, while my dad has absolutely no idea, I'm pretty sure my mums knows or at least suspects that I'm not straight. Back when I was a teen, she had Family Protection on her computer and it would block me from going on websites for LGBT advice (I think because the program automatically associates the words "lesbian" and "gay" with pornography, which is totally unfair). I wasn't aware that the program sent my mum the websites I visited until one day when she told me and asked if there was "anything I wanted to tell her". I said no and we haven't spoken about it since. I'd love to think that she'd accept me for who I am, but I really don't know. I remember a couple years back when we were watching TV with her boyfriend and when a LGBT couple showed on screen, she grimaced and looked away from the TV while her boyfriend complained about how gross it was. That look of disgust on her face has been with me ever since and every time I start working up the courage to tell her, I think of that image and can't do it. I have no idea how my dad would react (we've never discussed LGBT people before so I don't know what he thinks of us). My sister is fairly liberal and I don't think she'd have a problem with it (in fact I think she also suspects I'm not straight) but nevertheless, I'm terrified of telling her. I can't help it. Secondly, the thought of being openly out to everyone else also scares me. I guess this one is pretty obvious. Basically, it's a mixture of my own internalized homophobia and how other people would react to me. It's an endless sense of doubt for me; every time I hear something about LGBT people and how we've made real progress in the West, I'll see someone being homophobic and hating on us. It's like we're constantly taking one step forward and then another step back, to the point where it feels like we're not moving at all. It makes me terrified to come out because I know that once I do, I'll be an open target for harassment. I know every group has to deal with that, but it's especially prone towards LGBT people and that scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel so vulnerable and, since I don't know any LGBT people in real life that I can talk to, alone. Thirdly, there's the fact that I don't even really know what my orientation is. I'm definitely attracted to girls, there's no doubt about that. It's the guys that confuse me. I honestly don't know whether what I feel towards them is legitimate physical attraction or just appreciation of their looks. For example, if I see an attractive guy I'm like "yeah, OK, I can see why someone would like him", but I don't actually want to sleep with him myself. But I can get off to gay porn, in fact I think it's really hot, and that really confuses me. But then if I fantasize about a guy it's always him and another guy, never me, which doesn't help the confusion. In truth, I highly suspect that I'm a lesbian, but I find that really difficult to accept. I guess it's because of my own internalized homophobia towards women and the fact that if I admit I'm gay, I won't be able to enter a relationship with a man where I'll have security in that I won't be attacked for being a lesbian. (Not to say that bi people have it easier, but hopefully you guys understand what I mean.) Also, I just find the fact that I can't pin my sexuality really embarrassing. When I first came out to one of my friends in real life (who was completely accepting), I told her I was bi. Then a few months later I told her I was a lesbian, then a few more months later, I went back to bi. I can't help feeling that this makes me seem really capricious and flighty and it might not make people take me seriously. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't worry about something so trivial, but I do. I feel like I'm trapped in this situation and will never get out of it. Over and over again I debate whether to come out, and over and over again I almost do but decide against it last minute. I'm constantly questioning whether I'm a lesbian or bisexual, with no idea how to differentiate my feelings for girls from guys. It's starting to really put me down and I don't know what to do Well, that's the gist of my worries, I guess. If you read all of this, thank you. I don't really know what I want from this - advice, reassurance, whatever - but if you have any kind words they'd be greatly appreciated. Thank you. -- Cherry ❤
Hey - I read your post and really identified with the "not knowing if lesbian or bi" situation. I went through the exact same thing, and although now I know that I'm bisexual, that time when I kept switching was hell. Honestly, don't feel like you need to come out if you aren't 100% comfortable with it. You're totally free to experiment with your sexuality and find out what you're attracted to, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You might even consider just identifying as "queer" or "questioning" at the moment if anyone asks. My point is, it's entirely up to you. I had the same insecurities about people thinking I couldn't make up my mind, but the truth is that humans are fluid beings. There's a reason people say "The grass is always greener", you might continue to have doubts even after coming out. And that's totally fine. The only person who can make that decision is you.
I'd suggest to wait a few more years, and then when you are completely living on your own terms, then you can come out. Their reactions will mean less when you are living completely on your own. As for other people's judgement -- isn't England more liberal compared with other places? I thought it's a non-issue for the most part.
