Hi. I'm in my 30's and still not out. I nearly convinced myself that I was going to accept things and be out. I felt really good. Best I had in 10 years. Then my brother was talking about how he hated gays not knowing about me. Today I feel back to square one. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder because of this and often slip into depression. I don't think I want to be gay as I just want to be normal. I live my life trying to convince myself that I'm straight and often look at women to try and force some sexual feelings. Sometimes I can but it doesn't feel natural. I have a lot of mind chatter going on because of GAD. I try and convince myself every day that I'm straight. I try and pick women that I want to settle with.
Coming out anxiety is usually pretty bad for everyone, but I can't imagine how it must feel in combination with GAD. I'm sorry that you've been having such troubles. For me, I overcame my anxiety over coming out to my mom by writing it all down in a letter and then giving it to her to read. I had tried several times in person to initiate this conversation but the fear always got to me, and it seemed to get worse every time. A friend suggested that I write down everything I wanted to say to my mom in a letter and then to give it to her. And it worked out well! Though I understand that this situation is a bit different. My mom never talked about hating gays, but she is a conservative Catholic so I had my reservations. I would say though that the benefit to a letter is that the words can't freeze on your tongue. It's all written out and you have plenty of time to decide what you want to say. People often hate what they don't understand, so if you think that there's a chance that you could get your brother to see your point of view, it may be worth it in the long run. Ultimately, do what you need to do to feel happy! I'm rooting for you!
Hey lostdownunder, I would say that there is no easy or simple way of overcoming anxiety when Coming Out. I believe that the most important thing is to first be comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you aren’t there yet. Do you think you might have some unresolved internalized hemophilia that you haven’t dealt with yet? You might want to check out this blog. In terms of what your brother said, do you think that he is truly homophobic and hates gays or that he was speaking out of ignorance? Do you think he might change his tone if/when he finds out that you’re gay? And honestly, we can’t control what anyone else thinks of us. If they can’t accept us for who we really are, then they are the one with the problem. Just some thoughts.
I'm sorry that this is difficult for you. It's really unfair. I hope your loved ones come to accept you. In my opinion, they should love you no matter what. Good luck.
Hi lostdownunder, As someone who has GAD and also is still in the closet, I feel for your situation. I'm really sorry that you had to hear your brother's hateful comments about gay people. Thankfully no one in my immediate family is overtly homophobic, but I do have some relatives who I worry may not be so accepting when/if they find out that I'm gay. But in the end, I hope you know that nothing your brother says is your fault in any way, shape, or form. It's 100% his problem. First and foremost, I want you to know that you're not alone in this struggle. I'm in my 20s right now, and I've had a lot of moments where I've beat myself up because I feel like I should have come out by now. But, I've come to realize that there really isn't a right way or time to come out. Everyone just has to do it when they feel like they're ready. I'm not sure what your life story is or where you are on your coming-out journey, but I can give you some wisdom that I've picked up along the way in my life. First of all, having a therapist (or someone else I could trust and knew I was gay) to talk to has been really helpful for me. It's still scary coming out to this person in the beginning but so far in my case the benefits have outweighed the negatives. Second, if possible try to seek out people, friends, and organizations that are accepting of LGBTQ community. We may not be able to choose our family, but we can to a degree choose who we engage with or befriend. Thirdly, try to find some low pressure ways to push yourself out of your comfort zone like coming on this website, looking up local LGBTQ bars/organizations online, or maybe going to another city or town and checking out the gay scene there. It also sound like you're having some issues with self acceptance. I have two books that really helped me through the process: The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown The first book is written for gay men specifically. The second is written for more of a general audience, but it does talk a lot of about self-accpetance. I hope I've been helpful and good luck!! thetimeisnow
I have GAD as well and have been seeing a therapist for over 3 years. I still don't know how to come out. If your mind is like mine, you are consumed by thoughts, all negative about coming out and being accepted. I took a huge step a few weeks ago when I told my best friend that I am a lesbian. One of my biggest fears was losing her friendship. Instead I found her very supportive. I think people are more accepting than our fears lead us to think. Good luck to you!
