A few days ago I came to realise that I still have some internalised biphobia that affects my romantic feelings and thus relationships. A bit of background. Despite what my profile picture says, I am physically a man. The reason why I use a feminised photo of myself, is because it can't be found in a reverse image search and because right now, it's the only way that I feel comfortable with to express the strong feminine side of my genderfluidity. The past few months I've been going on a few dates with a girl I met through ****** who I have a lot in common with, and with a lot I mean pretty much everything. We are emotionally attracted to each other, but just not sexually, though I convinced myself that we were. I made those fake romantic feelings clear to her earlier last week and a few days later I got a lengthy message that she didn't have those feelings for me. A day before I got the message, I came to realise that I don't have those feelings for her either. Earlier that week I simultaneously posted two posts on Facebook, one with a photo of me holding my baby nephew and another where I came out again to remind people of my sexuality and to tell the few people who didn't know yet. I noticed a big difference in the people who liked the posts. The photo of me and my nephew got likes from older male relatives and friends, but they (including my own father) completely ignored my coming out post. It got me thinking and I realised that they and a lot of other older relatives and friends never mention my same-sex attraction, in fact, they often ask if I've found a girl yet (again including my own father). They all claim to be open, tolerant and accepting, but that is definitely not the case, as they don't even acknowledge my sexuality. I've internalised that biphobia and feel the pressure they put on me to exclusively date women. It makes me convince myself that there are romantic feelings for women where there are none. I'm afraid that I will keep on getting into relationships that end up failing because of that. I feel that I should come out face-to-face and demand that my sexuality matters and is an important part of who I am. Who I end up in a relationship with is a matter of fate and is my own decision, not theirs. Besides that, I see some internalised biphobia in friends as well, like girl friends who want me to be their 'gay best friend' or who are convinced that I'm always up for a threesome and am attracted to literally everyone. (the usual biphobia really) Which brings me back to the girl I was dating. We had a big talk and it turns out that she's dealing with the same feelings of internalised biphobia. So we've decided to keep going as good friends and support each other on our journeys. I've recommended EC to her. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. How did you deal with internalised biphobia?
I didn't understand how internalized biphobia caused you to force those romantic feelings for girls. Like you're afraid that if you don't end up with a girl, you'll end up with a guy? But isn't this homophobia and not biphobia? I'm confused. :S
I suppose it does stem from homophobia and there is some homophobia involved, but my family and friends seem to be a lot more accepting of exclusive homosexuality than bisexuality. I feel like they think that I can just choose to be straight (or gay), and though I didn't admit it to myself for the past four years, I have. Living a straight live would be easier for them and myself to deal with (in their eyes), so I went with it. Up until very recently I had the idea that it would be 'wrong' to be romantically involved with both. That's where the pressure to 'choose' to only date women and subsequent faux romantic feelings come from. (Though sometimes those feelings are genuine of course)
Thanks for sharing your story. Have you been in any romantic relationships with men? Or wanted to? Have you ever met any men you wanted to date but stopped yourself out of fear of how you would be looked at for being in a same-sex relationship? I think it is completely valid that a lot of people try to downplay bisexuality. That they figure it doesn't matter once you're in a relationship, because then clearly you are either dating a woman (and seemingly straight) or dating a man (and seemingly gay). I genuinely think many folks think of bisexuality as a middle point that some people settle at until they "choose." But that's not always the truth at all. Just because you're in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean you aren't still attracted to men. I do think to a certain degree your family may always push you towards dating women. They may be comfortable with you being gay, but if they think that there's an option between the two, they're going to push you towards what many view as the safer option - being in a seemingly straight relationship. How do you change their thinking on this? I'm not sure that there's a big way to. I think you can do little things. Next time your father asks if you've found a girl yet, you can say "No, I have not yet found a guy or girl who I want to be with" or some version of that. Correct them when they say things that assume you're only dating one gender. Maybe it won't change their thinking, but you'll be doing your part to be honest and hopefully have them acknowledge the truth you are speaking. Good luck!
Hi :smilewave I just want to say you are such a beautiful girl! I thought you are a lady. Stay true to your heart! Love what you want to love (*hug*) It's your life. I'm fighting for my right to love too. Best of luck!
That's exactly it. They will always push me towards dating women, even if they're not aware of it. I think you're right about doing little things to remind them. I haven't been in a romantic relationship with men yet, but I have had same-sex intimacy (after having a few drinks in me). I used to be afraid to date men and still am to some degree, because of how I would be looked at for being in a same-sex relationship. I told myself "it would be too much trouble". Reading stories on the forum and getting advise from others, I feel a lot more confident to date men now. I'm not going to actively look for a relationship. I think I'd just end up forcing romantic feelings again. If it happens it happens, and when it does, I refuse to care if it's with a man or a woman. And if others do, then well... s**** them ---------- Post added 14th May 2017 at 02:45 PM ---------- Thank you! It's feel so weird to be called pretty, but it feels good. Maybe someday when I'm out as genderfluid to everyone I'll upload some undoctored photos of myself. I look so masculine in real life. The only compliment that has come close to being called pretty or cute was being called handsome. Most people just describe me as a "cool dude". I don't mind that, but it's only one part of the complex individual that is me. Anyway, thank you, I needed that (*hug*)
