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Internalized Homophobia and self hatred

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kscurious, May 12, 2017.

  1. kscurious

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yesterday at work, I fell into a deep hole. I keep battling myself over my being gay. Thoughts keep popping up of me not being good enough for anyone, afraid of losing out on my life because of what my parents think, fear of losing out on life itself. At night I'll toss and turn and in my dreams, I am beaten up by the "straight" version of myself that calls me all sorts of names while he does it. I haven't talked to anyone about this, because I feel it would make them think I am crazy or need professional help. I have just had a lack of interest for life and wonder what the point of going on is somedays, if the internal hell inside me will ever cease.
     
  2. baconpox

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
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    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've dealt w/ that too. Watching shows with lots od LGBT characters helpes me to get over it. I'm not great at advice, but id you ever need someone to vent to, you can message me.
     
  3. Patrick7269

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Seattle, WA, USA
    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    kscurious,

    I'm really sorry you're going through such turmoil. Although my turmoil has a slightly different feel I also struggle with self-hate and a long, hard struggle toward full acceptance. I wish I had an easy answer for you but I don't.

    Being gay means that you're different, and being different means that you will not have the same level of privilege if you're out of the closet. The price of authenticity (and the price of freedom) is to accept the hate that even today is heaped on us. Thank goodness that at least in the U.S. we have won some major victories politically, but our daily existence can still be difficult if we have a lot of internalized shame.

    If you want to understand and proactively heal this shame and self-hate, I suggest a really good book - "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. Downs deconstructs the typical path of a gay man through identifying as gay, coming out, dealing with homophobia, battling shame through toxic compensating "fixes", and finally, peace and self-acceptance. I've been really surprised how well he captures my experience.

    I grew up with a Christian fundamentalist father, a working single mother with her hands quite full, and a significant amount of domestic abuse. In my 40s I'm seeing how I've shut down emotionally and isolated myself from others so that I wouldn't have to confront the pain of those circumstances growing up. I have the most awesome looking life on the outside, but inside I sometimes wonder why I should want to be alive at all.

    I hope you'll be radically honest with yourself and not waste entire chapters of your life hating yourself. It will be a challenging journey, but I still believe that coming out and being authentic in every way is the only true path to freedom and source of happiness. It is painful, for real, but for someone who knows that they're gay it's (in my opinion) necessary to endure that pain to get to the other side of it and find what you truly want in life.

    *warm hugs and concern*

    Patrick