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Coming out to straight friends while in MOM?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rob in FL, May 15, 2017.

  1. Rob in FL

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    Coming out to straight friends while in Mixed-Orientation Marriage?

    I posted some of my stresses and issues in this recent Later In Life LGBT thread.

    If you don't feel like reading the whole thing here's a synopsis: I'm out to my wife but I may as well not be out because we just never talk about me being gay. I'm working on that.

    Here's my question for fellow ECers, and I'm also wondering if any of you have dealt with this situation too. We have a great circle of other married friends, all with kids in the same age group. We socialize together often, and I count several of the guys as my closest friends. I have this ongoing desire to come out to a few of them, especially my closest friend, who I'll call "Brian". I actually tried to come out to him last year when he was over for drinks and it was just the two of us. He has a gay friend at work who he is close to, and he mentioned that I would really enjoy meeting this friend. I said that "of course I'd like this guy" with a knowing look and later told him I wanted to share something with him. He smiled and said he didn't 'want to know something' that night and maybe we would talk again some day. We haven't. It's pretty clear to me that he suspects I'm gay and doesn't want to deal with it. That's fine, it's a large burden to ask someone to participate in my closeted lying life. But I still wish I could be out to both Brian and one or two of my other friends.

    I realize all this stems from living in the closet and there's a quick fix. But, as I described in the above thread, it's not so easy for me right now.

    Do any other people in mixed-orientation marriages deal with coming out to straight friends? Is it generally a bad idea until you come out publicly and separate? Or has it worked for anyone and brought you closer together?

    Rob
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Hey Rob,

    You should watch this TedTalk from a couple who were in your same situation of living in a mixed orientation marriage for the sake of the kids.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHJs04-YIYc

    Given that you agreed to stay in the marriage, I'm not sure it's wise to come out to friends without your wife's agreement. It changes things a lot, and it changes things for her as well.

    The longer you continue to hide your sexuality and stay in this MOM, the harder it will be for you. I'm not saying it's impossible, but you are bucking the odds on this continuing to work out well for your health and sanity. It's bothering you that you are closeted to your friends, and I think it will continue to get worse as time goes on. You may need to re-evaluate that choice.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  3. Rob in FL

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    That was a tough video to watch. The pain on their faces is barely surpressed and is clearly still raw.

    You're right, of course, that coming out to friends unilaterally is not something I can do. You're also right that this gets harder and harder the longer I stay closeted. I think what I am looking for in coming out to a friend is that I'll have someone to talk to about all this. But coming out to a straight married friend is probably not what they signed up for. And of course, I already have a place where I can "talk about all this" - here.
     
  4. I'm gay

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    I did much soul-searching in the time leading up to my coming out. I knew that I could no longer live the life I had been living, and I came to the conclusion that I had to come out to everyone in my life. So, by the time I came out to my wife, I already knew that I could no longer stay in my marriage or stay closeted any longer.

    But, that was me. Each of us has our own journey, and our own priorities in life. My kids are teenagers, so perhaps it's different for me. I really don't know what I would have done if my kids were still young when I came out to my wife.

    I agree with your thought that it might help you to have someone in your life that you could talk to. I would suggest, though, that you find a gay man that you could confide in. A married straight guy, though he might be a good friend, isn't likely to really understand your struggle or be able to offer any helpful advice and support. Is there anyone who would fit that description in your life?

    My wife and I determined that neither of us would be able to heal ourselves and move forward with our lives while we were still living together, and so that propelled us to separate. We continue to co-parent very well, and my kids are doing just great. Is there a reason that you think you won't be able to move forward in your life, and still be a great dad to your kids, if you are no longer living with your wife? Are there insurmountable financial issues if you separated?

    Just like you, prior to our separation, my wife and I hadn't had sex in almost a decade. Pretty much all intimacy dwindled to nothing in the couple of years prior to my coming out. I certainly understand your frustration and unhappiness. That part won't get better until you make the changes necessary in your life to begin living authentically. For me, it wasn't just about being able to say "I'm gay" but to also live that truth as well.

    I admire you and your wife for your sacrifice. However, I do think you are paying an enormous price for it. Only you can answer the question of whether or not that price is worth it.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. Rob in FL

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    One barrier to separating and being effective co-parents is logistics. My wife and I both have professional jobs. Many weeks one or both of us are gone (for work) for all or part of the week. It takes a LOT of cooperation and coordination just to manage daily life and get the kid to and from all the activities. Trying to manage this from two different households would require even closer cooperation and coordination. Fortunately our jobs and saving habits mean that money isn't the barrier it otherwise could be.

    The other barrier is that while my wife certainly wishes she had a straight husband, she has made it clear she prefers to remain in a sexless marriage that otherwise works for her, rather than separate. She has asked me (ok, it was 8 years ago) if I was "really ready to give all this up" to just be able to go live life as a gay man. At the time our kid was five and my answer was no. Now I'm not so sure. It's harder because she and I genuinely get along very well and otherwise enjoy our life quite a great deal. If I was just straight, or if she was Matt Bomer, this would be much easier. :eusa_doh: