Married with kids and confused

This may be a bit long but thanks for reading. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, but I think I need to release this secret I've been living with in some way.

Since I've been a teenager I've always known I've been gay in some way. I've always fantasized about one friend of mine, and as the internet became accessible, I always found myself drawn more to gay and trans porn.

On the other hand, I've never desired a relationship with a man. The concept of that does nothing for me. I find myself physically "checking out" women, but never men, and that's always been the case. I desire a more conservative life with a family. In married for 15 years, have young kids, house, job, etc. That's why it's confusing for me. I'm not attracted to men in an emotional sense, but only in a carnal sense.

I have two sides of me. One where I fantasize about being a female. In the bedroom I fantasize about being a woman, but in my natural social life, I prefer to be masculine. I come across naturally masculine, and dont act feminine at all. Those who know me would have no idea. I feel comfortable as a man in day to day life. I am sexually attracted to women, to trans, to everybody really, but I almost always come back to gay carnal fantasy.

Several years ago, my wife cheated on me. Up to this point I had always been loyal and never strayed. She had an affair with a co-worker, and it devestated me. Some part in the back of my heart wished it was over so I could try exploring my sexuality more. I had never been with a man in any way. However, we had a baby, she had major self esteem issues and post partum depression at the time (before and during her affair), and when I found out she was extremely remorseful, got the help she needed, and literally became a new woman and has been loving and loyal ever since. This was about 6 years ago, and she still cries in rmeorse about how she almost lost me and destroyed our family. During this period of mending, I did tell her that I was gay, but then said actually I was bisexual. She was pained by this information but agreed to help me through it. I told her I never had been attracted to guys in a relationship sense and that that would never be an issue. I would never leave her for another man, which still holds true. She has helped me with some of these fantasies as well but she thinks it's more or less that I love the power of a woman dominant over me, which is true. I love strap on fantasy.

Here's where it gets bad though. Since her affair, I told myself I would experiment with other guys if she got her "cake and got to eat it too" sort of thing. So I never told her and very infrequently I would meet up with guys on Craigslist and play around as a bottom. I was always very careful, and protection was always used. So fast forward and I've been with several different men, there were a couple that I trusted more and they showed me clean physical results and so I felt safer with them, but still very paranoid about being caught, catching something, etc.

I know that I'm a POS for these things. I have young kids, and a wife who wants nothing but to make me happy. Yes we have our fights, and there are many times I just cannot stand being around her. But I think I am more emotionally dependant on her and I know she is very much on me. I have fantasized of starting fresh and being gay, but I don't really even want that and the sense of guilt is heart breaking when it comes to splitting up my family and kids. I don't know if I really am in love with my wife, but yeah I care deeply for her. I know what I'm doing is wrong. What's worse is that in so careful that I know I could keeping doing it and never get caught. But I don't want to do it in secret. I don't want to be a cake eater, a POS, etc.

My wife's sex life and mine is really healthy for being along 15years and having young kids. I am in many ways attracted to her, but I admit many times I fantasize about me being her, a woman, in the process.

So thanks for reading. Not sure what I'm looking for. In no way am I ready to just tell her anything, I don't have insurance for a counselor and that would obviously raise red flags if I told my wife I was just going to hit up some counseling for a while. I don't know what I want, I'm terrified to change anything, I really love my life, my family, my house, etc. Changing anything would mean child support, immense pain for my wife, my kids, and myself. It would ruin a lot that's good. I just don't know. I can't have it all, I know that. It's not like I'm closeted in the sense where I only want men, I want my life as a straight man also.