I'm afraid, and..

i don't even know why.

here's my situation-i'm 13. i can't recall being head over heels, or infatuated with a boy. sure, maybe i felt special by the fact that a guy was after me, but i always felt like such a jerk because i couldn't bring myself to feel the same way. it sucks, especially when you're in middle school and alot of the girls start falling for guys and drama happens. i'm always there in the back, never understanding the commotion of being straight. i started to panic from the middle of sixth grade to the beginning of seventh grade; that's when i started having feelings for girls. that's when certain people (i won't give out their names) noticed, and started picking on me for it. i felt so lost. i didn't even realize that i might be a lesbian-until summer.
then school hit, and i instantly knew i was different. it hit me like a brick, i'm okay now-but everytime i slowly try to come out, people just think i haven't found the right guy. i choke on what i really want to say-the fact that I feel like my default setting is girls. and it's not easy when everyone constantly wants to hook you up with guys, and your greatest guy friends are head over heels for you, and you don't know what to say except "i just don't have a crush." of course, it's middle school, people can be awful there, so they're all like "nOOOooo you two are in love!! you like him don't you laura?!" i blush because i'm so nervous, not because i'm embarrassed that i'm "crazy over some guy." and there's this one guy, i won't say his name. he has a girlfriend, i totally ship them. but he's obviously pining after me, but i'll admit to secretly crushing on his girlfriend. things like these kill me. what am i supposed to do, when everyone is waiting for the exact moment that you fall in love with a boy, and you just can't find the gut to tell them that you prefer a lady. yet everyone thinks you should be together.

i didn't even have the guts to directly tell two people i was a lesbian, i just told them i "slightly liked women." they metaphorically shoved me into the closet, said i was "confused." but i've known that i love girls with a passion for so long. and who knows, sexuality is fluid, it can change and that's fine. love is love. i just don't know why i'm so scared to come out, and why it's constantly in the back of my mind all day. maybe it's cause people consider me too beautiful to be a lesbian, but that's just ignorant and it boggles my mind that people would think this way.

TL;DR i'm afraid that if i come out, i'll get shoved back because it seems like people want me to be with a boy. and once i build up the courage to tell a few people that i always like women, they always think i'm bi-curious or something & consider me "confused." i need help.