Hello I am a female college student who will be starting my third year in the fall. This summer, after much reflection I have recognized that I am lesbian. So far I have told only my parents and my closest friend (who does not attend my college). I am looking for advice on whether, when, and how I ought to tell my roommate. Your initial response might be that I should do what makes me most comfortable. Yet I think that my roommate's feelings must be taken into account too. I am afraid that if I do not tell her and she finds out later, either from me or in another way, that she might feel I have been dishonest with her. Furthermore I think that she would be partly justified in feeling that way. The reason that roommates are of the same gender is to prevent there being any sexual element to their relationship. Therefore, it is part of the tacit understanding between roommates that neither thinks of the other in a sexual way. If there is a possibility of things being otherwise, it is dishonest not to disclose that fact. If my roommate feels that I have been dishonest with her she will not trust me and, consequently, it will be difficult for her to feel safe living with me. I do not want her to feel unsafe in her own room. My argument so far suggests that I should tell my roommate that I am lesbian. The fact that I am making this post, however, shows that I have misgivings. I don't feel emotionally ready to tell her now and I am not sure that I will by August or September. My questions are 1) Do I have a responsibility to tell her? 2) Do you have any suggestions of when and how it would be best to tell her? (supposing I do) I'm sure many of you have been in the same possition an I would be grateful to hear about your experiences. Thankyou Here is more information: This will be the first time that my roommate and I have shared a room. We have known each other for about one year and we are well suited, but not close. Nevertheless, I think I would trust her to keep secret something that I told her in confidence. I do not know whether my roommate has any prejudices against gay and lesbian people per se. I know that she has liberal politics and theology, so I think she would say that she does not, but when it came to living with me her feelings might betray her philosophical positions. I am not attracted to my roommate, nor do I think it likely that that will change.
Hi Lone Duck, welcome to EC! I've never been in your particular situation before, but I hope I can still offer my advice. You're right in guessing that my first bit of advice would be to tell her when you're ready. Your first and foremost responsibility is to yourself, and she should understand that. It's not deceitful or wrong. You need to do what's right for you, and what you'd feel most comfortable doing. From your descriptions, one with liberal political and theological beliefs often will be accepting of someone in your situation. I don't think she would have any reason to feel afraid of you in her room, nor do I think that you are being dishonest with her. You said yourself that you don't feel any form of attraction toward her, and doubt that your feelings will change. If you do come out to her (more on this in a second!), you should mention that. If she, for some reason, is inclined to feel unsafe, it will be particularly reassuring to hear that. But don't make a huge deal of it, either. If you do, it will only seem like you're trying to hide the truth, and I don't think that's your objective. Aside from all of that, I do think it'd probably be a good idea for you to come out to her, although maybe not right off the bat. I think that, on top of all the stress of beginning another year of school and living in a new home, revealing your sexual orientation to her immediately is probably not the best course of action. Wait a week or two, and see how the situation develops. Assuming you still feel comfortable with her after that time period, then you could probably flat out tell her. As most here can guess, I'm a pretty direct sort of guy, and would advise you to simply tell her. Some will advise to drop subtle hints (although not normally for this situation), or the like, which is fine as well. It's all a matter of your personal preference. The fact that you're not close, but well acquainted is actually very conducive to the kind of response you are looking for. She will not feel betrayed or anything that you did not tell her sooner, but also will be willing to accept you for who she now knows you to be (not that you've changed!). I wouldn't worry about her betraying your secret. In fact, I'd guess that'd be the least of your concerns, as you pretty much said in your original post. I hope everything goes well, as I'm sure it will. Take care! Ryan
I'm starting college in (twomonthsandahalfohmygod) a very short period of time and will (hopefully) enter with junior standing. I'll be living on campus and I don't care what my roommates will think. Well, I mean, I do but...here. If they get curious they can ask me and I won't deny it. You'll also do what's right for you.
I just completed my first year at college, and I never informed my roommate of my sexual orientation. However, I was never close to him and we never really talked about anything (Eugh! High school football, his high school's football, was all he would ever talk about). I never felt any obligation, or any kind of impulse to tell him. However, like most students, he was an avid facebook user: so, two months before the end of the year, when I listed that I was in a relationship with a guy, he invariably found out. I know he did, because the way he looked at me changed, and he didn't say much to me at all. (Which I was quite happy with, as I was tired of hearing about football ad nauseam) It didn't bother me because I didn't care about my relationship with my roommate. I mean, we got along so far as space use and not coming into conflict very often, and that was enough for me. It seems, however, that you want more of a relationship with your roommate, and since you've known her for a year, despite the fact that you are statedly, not close, you must have some history together. Therefore, I think it would be best to tell her yourself before she finds out on her own. A discussion on this could even bring you closer with your roommate, if she is understanding, and help you to build a positive, warm relationship with your roommate. However, you should only be as candid as you feel comfortable, and I don't think you should feel obligated to tell her in any way, but I think there are benefits to telling her, and if it feels right to tell her, then you should go ahead and tell her. Thankfully, my roommate next year already knows that I am gay, is quite tolerant, and more than willing to discuss topics beyond high school football. I wish you the best of luck.
Yeah thats kind of a tricky situation. I'm going into my 4th and final year this fall, but I've never told any of my multiple roommates (we change ever semester at my school). Well I told a former one, but we are really good friends. Obvioulsy I'm in a totally different situation though as I jeopardize my being at my school if I were to come out. I'm at a military school and can't come out to my roommate in case she should turn me in and I get kicked out. I've made it three years and I'd like to graduate so I'll keep my mouth shut. However, if you feel strongly that you should tell your roommate then you probably should. Just consider any backlash that could occur and have an escape plan. By that I mean, make sure you can get out of that living situation if she doesn't take it well. Otherwise I have no better advice for you. Good luck.
Hey there! I too, am starting my next year of college, and have moved into a house with two of my good friends for the next 3 years (I have also known both of them for only about one year). My girlfriend and I decided that we needed to tell them, because we (my roomies and I) all respect each other, and had rules about having guys stay the night: We have to at least give warning/run it by the others before we do. Obviously, this rule excluded me, so I told them. They both were surprised (undoubtedly--I had been with a few guys during our friendship up to that point.) but were happy for me. I read your post, and while talking to them I asked them how they would have reacted had I not told them and they found out other ways. One said that she would have probably been really creeped out and not been able to handle it, and the other said that because the three of us tell each other everything, that she would have been EXTREMELY hurt that I could not trust her with something in my life that is so natural to me and makes me so happy. If you are worried about her reaction, try bringing the subject of gays and lesbians up, her opinions, your opinions, etc, before you tell her. This is how I knew that one of my friends that I had been torn about telling would ultimately be okay with it. Also, with one of my friends, she needed alot of assurance that I would NOT "hit on her" or that while she is a gorgeous girl, I am not attracted to her in that way before she was really okay with it. The real reason I am responding, however, is to tell you to be prepared. I see you live in the midwest, as do I, where "our kind" is not widely accepted. I have unfortunately lost a couple of friends by coming out to them, and while I will pray that this doesn't happen to you, I want you to be prepared. One of the two friends I lost was one of my best friends, and it hurt alot that he couldn't accept me. He could accept it when he saw it on TV or read about it in the news, but when it "hit closer to home" he "just couldn't handle it." I wish you the best of luck, and let us all know how it goes!
I had three roommates during my first year of college. One of my roommates was bisexual and had a girlfriend. She was very upfront and told us all in the beginning. None of us had a problem with it. I would recommend that you be honest with her and tell her the truth. Since you have known her for a year she might feel like you were dishonest if she found out later.
