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How do deal with being outed/coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ehm28, May 20, 2017.

  1. ehm28

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    I'm not open to my main group of friends and university colleagues. Though, for the last 6 months i've had a boyfriend, and I feel like it's just a matter of time until someone will find this out. I would like to be able to come out before that happens, because it would of course be more controlled. But after years of failing to find courage to come out, I have almost given it up. I don't know how to do it, and I don't have any friends that are so close that it would be natural to talk about something so personal (all my friends are straight guys, and I'm a very private person).

    So i'm going around, just waiting for anyone to find out about me, and to confront me with it. My question is, how should I respond when someone finds out? How to be able to honestly answer them? I don't want to lie anymore, but I have quite some degree of anxiety issues. And being confronted (especially in public) about something personal, would make me freeze and panic.

    Thanks for any responses :slight_smile:
     
    #1 ehm28, May 20, 2017
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  2. Lacayda

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    If someone find out they will probably ask you questions like: is that your boyfriend? Are you gay? Did I get that right?
    Actually that's the easiest way for you to come out because you just have to say "yes" and that's it. :lol:

    Why do you think you would panic if someone confronts you? Because you don't want them to know or because you don't know what to respond? If you don't want them to know you should definitely wait a little longer to come out. You have to be comfortable with yourself first to be comfortable with other people knowing such a personal thing about you.
    If you just don't know what to say you could think of a "standardized answer" (is standardized even a word?:lol:slight_smile:. Just write down what you want to say to the people who might ask you questions. Think of the questions they could ask and write down possible answers. That way you might become more comfortable talking about you sexuality.

    Edit: actually you don't even have to wait for someone to find out. If you don't want to tell everyone indivually, you could just change you Facebook status to "in a relationship" or something like this.
     
    #2 Lacayda, May 20, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2017
  3. ehm28

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    Thanks for the response :slight_smile:

    Well, actually i'm not sure what i want. Somehow i want to be open, but at the same time i get afraid when i think about it. However, it's unbearable to keep my boyfriend a secret for much longer, especially for his sake. I feel shame and guilt for not being completely open about our relationship. For my own sake, i would rather stay in the closet right now. I don't feel like i have anyone who i'm sure would be completely okay with me being gay.

    I just can't stand people digging in my private life/sexuality, and the last thing i want is to have conversations about that topic. It makes me unwell just to think about that. It would be fine if people just knew and would shut up, but i know that won't really happen.

    As i said, i have some social anxiety issues, which makes me quite bad at communication and making/keeping friends in the first place. And i usually never let people become very close to me. That's also why it's unnatural for me to tell other people about my sexuality...
     
    #3 ehm28, May 20, 2017
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  4. Lacayda

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    I kind of know how you feel like. I also wanted to be open and just couldn't be
    open. I finally figured out that I'm okay with people knowing but I didn't want to tell them. Also because I was annoyed of everyone asking me questions about boyfriends etc. They should just know and shut up. Finally I decided to take a very obvious Whatsapp profile photo. A rainbow flag with some puzzles with two (rainbow:lol:slight_smile: femininity symbols on top. (I really wanted to make sure, everyone understands what the photo means:lol:slight_smile:. Of course this method is not for everyone and it's also very impersonal but for me it was a good way to "tell" everyone. The advantage is that you don't have to talk to everyone individually and most of the people don't really ask questions. They just know and that's it, no need to ask dumb questions.
     
  5. ehm28

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    It sounds like you had kind of the same feelings about coming out as i have. I wish I would be okay with doing it the way you did it (via social media), but I'm not really strong enough I think.
    My big problem is HOW should I come out. Every option (conversation, social media, text) seems unnatural for me....and most importantly; I would freak totally out if I should do it face to face. It would just not happen, I would end up chickening out.

    Actually, maybe writing a text is the only option I could be able to do. But, I imagine it's not the best method. At the same time; what the hell do i write?:confused: All the coming-out letters I have seen, are so heavy, serious and full of clichés. I don't have this relationship to my friends where I feel I have to say that I love them and appreciate them etc. I just need to inform them, as plain as that.