Hello all, This is my first post and I am seeking some advice and support. I have been going out with my girlfriend for coming up 5 years. She is amazing. She is beautiful, intellectual and the most supportive human being I have ever met. I love her so much, but cannot bear the pain to break her heart with the truth. We met at University when we were 18 and studied together before we eventually started dating. She has always identified herself as bisexual having just broken up with her last long term girlfriend before we got together. As a result of this, around 2 years into our relationship I came out to her that I was also bisexual. It was a lot easier than I thought and it was so easy and natural to talk to her about it because she too was just like me. Initially she was worried because she thought that I would perhaps want to break up with her to start dating men as unlike her, I had very little prior experience with men and therefore she thought I would want to 'explore' my sexuality. I assured her this was not the case and that I still loved her no matter, however I was just showing her my true self. Soon afterwards I came out as bisexual to all my friends and I felt so much better about myself and life in general. I now identify as bisexual whenever I meet new people. The only thing I have struggled with is telling my family as they are all fairly conservative. However my girlfriend always made the point that they don't need to know if I am not ready to tell them. As a result of this new revelation, our relationship grew stronger and we got to explore the queer community together through the likes of drag shows and gay bars and it meant we openly discussed the never ending boundaries of sexuality and gender and modern politics that surround these areas. It has been incredible and she has helped me become the strong thought provoking individual I am today. As a teenager I had quite a troubled upbringing and she helped me become at peace with who I am. I cannot thank her enough for who she has helped me become and as a result I have a lot of self love for myself. I understand this all may sound extremely egotistical however I just can't say enough about everything we've done together. However, in the past year or so our relationship has taken a slightly different turn. We moved in together shortly after graduating University and she went away to work and I continued on at University to achieve my MSc in Environmental Science. The stress of University really pushed me to my limit and it definitely tested our relationship as we spent less quality time together. However we have continued to do and talk about all of the things we love. Due to this, over the past year I have started to realise that I may be leaning more towards men. I tend to notice men far more than women. I find myself attracted to men far more so than women and I can imagine myself engaging in sexual relations with men. Whereas the only woman I can imagine having sex with, is my girlfriend. I think because our relationship suffered slightly over the last year it has allowed me to realise that I may actually be gay. We have now got to a stage where I think my girlfriend might suspect I am gay, and commonly says things like "Just promise me you're not gay?" because she knows that I would never leave her for another woman but shes not so sure that I wouldn't leave her for a man because she thinks it is something that she could not compete with. I have found myself browsing the gay dating scene and chatting to some guys before freaking out and trying to forget all about it. However I am now waking up every day lying to myself and to my other half. It is absolutely killing me. What is worse is that me and my girlfriend have now been together for a substantial period of time therefore the wedding bells are ringing and mortgages and kids are being discussed, however we both want completely different things. I am so confused and scared of what to do but I know I cannot continue with this life anymore. I don't know how to tell her, but most importantly I don't want to lose her. She is my whole life and I can't imagine it without her. If anyone is listening. Help me.
Hey I understand that's a tough situation. I think when it comes to things like this honesty is always the best policy. The truth of the matter is right now your current relationship isn't enough for you. It sounds a bit like you love your girlfriend but you are not in love with her. I don't think there is an easy way to do it, you just have to sit down and explain to her how you feel. I totally get your fear of losing her fingers crossed even though she is bound to be upset she will understand and in time you can be friends.
YoungScientist, This is a lot to deal with. It seems like right now you are living a double life, one is where you are very much leaning toward being gay, and the other where wedding bells are ringing and talks of mortgages and children are going on with your girlfriend. Living in such a conflicting spot is mentally draining and not something that can go on forever...something has to give. Just a couple thoughts that may help you gain some clarity: Fast forward to five years in the future, you're married to your girlfriend, with a house and a couple of kids. What are the feelings you get when you see this picture in your mind? Conversely, picture yourself five years ahead, living as a gay man, maybe dating, or maybe in a committed relationship. What are the feelings around this scenario? Try to think about which future 'feels right' with you---which scenario seems like a future where the authentic you is playing one of the lead roles? I know you are struggling with all this(any of us would be!), and it is evident in your post how much you love your girlfriend, and how the prospect of hurting her is heartbreaking to you. But until you are certain, I would halt any talk of marriage with her. To marry her when you are so conflicted would hurt her far more in the long run. You may find comfort in other posts here from men in the similar situations. Reading posts from men who are currently married, but are now, for the first time, acknowledging they are gay may also help give you some helpful perspectives. I wanted to share a quote I have on my fridge that really resonated with me when I was going through a confusing/conflicted period of my life: "The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something our hearts know is a lie." Wishing you all the best.
Hi, i relate to what's happening to you a lot. Or at least two weeks ago i was in the same situation. (Sorry if my english is not the best, i'm from Argentina). I was in a relationship with a man for 2 years. I already declared myself as bisexual, but he wasn't so happy with that, so that was different for me. But the last few months i started to realize that i was noticing women a lot more, fantasizing about them, etc. I've never been with a girl, so i also didn't explore my seaxuality a lot. At the end of the relationship i started to go on dating cites seeking women, and feeling really guilty about it. So, i realized i wasn't in love with my boyfriend, and i needed to explore my sexuality. I ended things with him, and i feel very liberated right now. It's obviously really hard to make the decision, it took me almost a year. It's sad, and it feels like you're really hurting the other person, but they also don't deserve someone that's not in love with them. Or at leats that was my case. I really cared about him, and that was the hardest thing to do. Now i'm serously questioning my sexuality, and trying to understan if i'm actually a lesbian or what. My advice is don't try to repress what's happening to you, it's not going to go away (believe me i tried).. The best thing you can do is to be alone to try to understand your sexuality. Good luck
