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Help me please!!! I'm really desperate

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FinalFantasyFan, May 2, 2009.

  1. FinalFantasyFan

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    So, I've been absent from EC for a while now, and that's because things were going well, until last night. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.

    I am the oldest of three children in a middle to lower-upper-middle class family. I have been raised a Catholic, but that's not important. I was valedictorian of my high school graduating class. I have never had alcohol, I have never smoked. I try to act with respect towards everyone that I encounter. Anyway, I went to college at the University of Michigan in the fall last year. I knew that I was gay, I just wasn't really out to anyone. One thing led to another, and I told one of the out gay guys on the hallway. He was really cool about it, and he encouraged me to come out to everyone there. I proceeded to tell my hallway, and I grew exceptionally close to all of them. My dorm hall is like a family to me. Anyway, over the year, I grew more confident in myself as an individual, and I realized more and more that it was killing me inside to not have told my parents. A few weeks ago, I decided that I needed to tell them because I hate lying to anyone, especially about something so important to me.

    Over the summer, I was supposed to work in the University Physics department. I signed a sublease and everything. I knew that I was going to be away for a long while, so I decided that while I was home this weekend, I would tell my parents. One thing led to another, and I missed my chance at telling both of them, but I decided to tell my mom anyway. I know that I did a lot of things wrong in the way that I told her, but that's something that I wasn't prepared for. I stood outside her bedroom door at about 10:30 at night, and she asked if I needed something. I told her that I needed to talk to her, and we stepped out into the hallway. I came right out and told her that I am gay and that I am still her son and that I love her. Here's where things went wrong. She asked when I decided that I was gay. I told her that I didn't decide, but that I have known for over 4 years. She asked who else knows, and I told her that most people at college know, as well as most of my high school friends. She asked how I know if I've never been with anyone, and I asked her how she knows that she's straight. She said that the thought of kissing a girl is a major turn off for her, and I said that the same was true for me. She asked if we could keep this a secret, at least until her father passes away, to which I responded that around here that would be fine, but in Ann Arbor too many people already know. A lot of awkward silence later, she said that this wasn't what she expected and walked away.

    She was gone all day at a scrapbooking crop event, and I thought that that would give her time to think. Apparently it did. She came home tonight and walked up to my door and said that she was not happy with my recent decisions. She said that she should never have let me go to such a liberal university in the first place and that she didn't think she wanted me to go back to U of M in the fall. I can't bear the thought that she hates me, and I can't even imagine not attending U of M. I love it in Ann Arbor, all of my friends are there, I love the city, I love the school, it means everything to me. And she wants to take it all away. I don't think that I can go on if I can't go back. I don't think that I could go a single day without seeing my college family if I knew that I wouldn't see them ever again. I feel like I'm drowning. I used to be confident, but now I'm reduced to quivering in fear and sadness. I'm scared that I might even go so far as to take my life if she takes me out of U of M. Please, somebody, save me from her and from myself. I feel terrible about this whole thing, because she is my mother and I love her more than anyone. What is wrong with me?

    If you got this far, thanks. I'm sorry for taking your time.
     
  2. Kirakishou

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    Tell her everything you just said to us in the last paragraph. You just have to convince her that you love it at your university and I'm sure she doesn't hate you, she's your mother.
     
  3. Étoile

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    Tell her that the UoM and Ann Arbor didn't turn you gay, nothing did. Those places means the world to you and taking that away would be taking a part of you away. I think after more time, she'll get used to it.
     
  4. epiphanies

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    If you are in college, it is safe to assume you are an adult. Therefore, you can't let her control your life or education. It is up to you to pursue your education. If she is helping fund your education, try to reach out to your college to work out a payment plan and try to get things going on your own. If you truly want to stay at that college, then stay. I know it'll be hard, but plenty of people get student loans and pay them off later. I also know it'll take forever to pay them off, but that shouldn't really matter.

    As far as your mom is concerned, try printing off some PFLAG materials and giving them to her. Try to show her this isn't a decision or a consequence of going to U of M, but that you were born this way and there's nothing you can do about it.
     
  5. BlakeHarmony

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    Make sure she knows that it is NOT a choice and that nothing can "turn" you gay.
    Also, how could she take you out of university? You are probably over the age of 18 so she doesn't have any real sway in where/if you go, unless it's a money issue in which case I say, get a job!
     
  6. FinalFantasyFan

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    Thanks everyone. I feel like I am overreacting a bit. And I have no problem getting a job and moving out, I would just rather not alienate my family. I'm sorry to bother everyone.
     
  7. olides84

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    First, there is nothing wrong with you, and you are not taking our time or bothering us.

    Next, breathe. You've known for 4 years, she's known for 1 day. It's certainly cliche, but give it time.

    You need to talk to your mother more about this. You need to educate her. You need to understand her worries. For example, what is it about a "liberal" university that troubles her? It shouldn't be that it made you gay, because if she's Catholic she should know that the church accepts that some people are homosexual.

    Just make sure to keep the communication lines open. I wish you the best.
     
  8. paco

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    please, dont worry about overreacting, you're not i promise, and theres nothing wrong with you.

    this reaction from your mom is one of those classic bad reactions from religious parents that dont understand. since she came back after a day thinking it over and told you that she didnt like your decision its clear that she did not believe what you said about it not being a choice, maybe she couldnt because she's too wrapped up in what she's believed for so long. you just need to stay strong and know that nothing "went wrong" with you or your upbringing and keep trying to let her know that you haven't changed-this will take time.
     
  9. Prccgeek

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    I'm going to say it too. There is nothing wrong with you. Your reaction is completely understandable. No matter how simple the situation seems, when it comes to coming out, I find that it can be stressful. So just take a breathe.
    I would try to sit down with her and talk again. Be very patient and let her ask questions. They might seem crazy and ridiculous to you, but she is clearly no grasping who to are. Best of luck. Remember, she is your mother and she does love you. She is just confused.
     
  10. FinalFantasyFan

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    Well, my mother walked into my room today, told me that she hated me, that I killed her inside, and that I ruined the lives of my entire family. Then she told me that she went to church that morning and prayed that she would die. She really scared me. I don't want her to do that. I told my dad after he got back from out of town. He seemed to deal with it a bit better, but I still am in deep $&@*. They started fighting, which mom said they would, and things didn't look good. I really hope that they don't get a divorce because of me. That would probably kill me inside.
     
  11. Mickey

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    Your mom doesn't hate YOU,she hates what she doesn't understand.
    She may be trying to make you feel guilty,saying what she's saying,hoping it'll change you.
    I doubt,if they got divorced,it would be because you're gay. If they got divorced,there has to be a lot more to it,than that.
    I know right now you feel the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but you can't feel that everything is your fault. It's not on you,now,it's on your parents.
    You told them that you're gay,you didn't kill someone!
    Find out all you can,concerning school,a job ,etc. and let your parents adjust.
    DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! This is about YOU and YOUR life,not about your parents or their lives.You shared a very important part of yourself with them and how they choose to deal with it,is up to them.
    Walk with your head up,be proud of who you are and NEVER let ANYONE make you feel bad for living the life you are meant to live.
    And...we're here for you. You're NOT alone.
     
  12. olides84

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    Give me a break! I'm sorry, but I'm getting riled up hearing your mom's words, even more than your first post. Your mom is making this all about her and not about you. I know you said earlier that you were raised Catholic, so I assume your Mom is. So I must say that your mom's reactions are hardly supportive Catholic teachings (hating you, wishing she would die, etc.).

    Good job on telling your dad. It's helpful that he's being a little more supportive and dealing with your mom. So while the issue may cause fighting between them, she is on an emotional roller-coaster right now and I'd hardly think a divorce could come due to arguments about your homosexuality.

    Just give it time, hang in there as best you can, and be strong (*hug*)
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off, I am sorry to hear that your mum reacted this way but I do hope that she will come around eventually. (*hug*)

    I think it is unlikely that your parents will get a divorce because of you. Please try not to worry about that for now. It might be difficult to believe at the moment but deep down, your mum and your dad still love you. Your mum is in shock, in deep denial and is not sure how to deal with this. I think it is good that your dad seems to be a bit more understanding. This might actually help you to get through to your mum eventually. Sometimes, parents hang on to the things that they know, because this is what they feel comfortable with. Changing that will take time as they have to want it, and they have to be willing to listen to you and what you have to say.

    Try to give your mum some time. Try to keep talking to your dad. Ones things calm down a bit, your dad might be able to talk to her a bit. Hang in there. (*hug*)
     
  14. paco

    paco Guest

    im really sorry that she's not taking this well,
    just know that this isnt your fault. you didnt do anything, and she's having trouble understanding that, but she was told to hate gays by someone so she made that decision, and where you cannot change who you are, she certainly can change how she feels about it. i really hope you can stay strong through all of this. best wishes, from the bottom of my heart.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    Ditto!

    YOU are not responsible for your mom's or your dad's or anyone elses' happiness. THEY are. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness.

    I know I'm generalizing, but don't people joke about Catholisism being about guilt and shame. Your mother apparently has that mastered. I know she's your mom, and you care very much for her, but to 'pray that she would die' over this, and then to actually tell you that she did that?!?!? That's not her being a caring mother. That's her being a selfish person.

    BUT - give her time. SHE needs to adjust to this new situation, not you. You did the right thing in telling your parents. Now load them up with PFLAG literature and explain to them that you're still the same person, and they need to work on accepting this. And that you'll help them do that.

    I would simply ignore the threats of not sending you back to U of M. Just carry on as though you're going, and go. Go back to work in the lab, and carry on with registration for the fall, and your residence, and all the stuff that you need to. Don't really give them an option. It sounds like your dad is going to be more reasonable, which is great. Continue to live your life, because it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of that. Congrats!

    Good luck - and feel free to PM me if you want to chat more. But keep us updated. Hope it works out.
     
  16. Eleanor Rigby

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    I am very sorry your mother takes the thing this was. I really hope things are gonna get better. She might need some time to deal with it. Give her a break and once she has calm down, bring her some Pflag litterature. You can also ask her to watch "Prayers for Bobby" and maybe watch it with her.
    You are not responsible in anyway for a reaction and you didn't ruin your familly. Nobody is responsible for someone else happiness and if your mother can't be happy with her gay son, that's her problem and that's not your fault.
    Take care, Eleanor
     
  17. xequar

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    It sucks that your mom is having fits like she is.

    My thoughts-Completely ignore her blathering about "pulling you out of U of M" and all the rest of it.
    A) You're an adult. She has no legal authority to "pull you out" of anything, no matter what she claims.

    B) If she's the financial backer for your education, that can easily change. I paid my own way through college, so I know it's possible, and if you're attending U of M, that means you must have at least a couple of functional brain cells in your head. That means you are more likely to be eligible for scholarships and grants and the like. If your mother decides to pull your financial backing, tell her to take a long walk off of a short pier, get a job, apply for some grants and loans, and pay your own way. You'll be out from under her rule and you'll be a better person for paying your own way instead of letting her do it anyway.

    C) If she wants to get a divorce, good for her. Wish her luck, pull up a chair and some popcorn, and watch the show. You're not responsible for anyone's stupidity except for your own, and in this case, you haven't done anything stupid. Don't let her guilt-trip you into thinking that any of this is your fault. SHE is the one having issues dealing with it and SHE is the one being a bitch about you going to school and breaking up the family and all the other bullshit she's trying to pull on you.


    Ultimately, I can sum up the above like this. Don't take her shit.
     
  18. Callie

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    The posters above me have said so many good stuff, I don´t know what I could add. Just wanted to show some more support. You´re her son and I´m sure she loves you very much. She´s just having a hard time and dealing with it in a bad way. Give her time, and she´ll probably accept it even if she doesn´t like it. It´s easy to blame somone else when you have a problem with something. Be proud. (*hug*)
     
  19. FinalFantasyFan

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    I wanted to thank everyone for all the kind words and support. I'm feeling a bit better now than I was the other day. I still have to deal with the fact that my mom "hates" me and is blaming everything that goes wrong on me right now, but that can be done. I just sort of hoped that she would be a bit more understanding. She seems to be convinced that I'm following some rules and not others (church rules) by "choosing" to be gay. She simply will not listen to any rational argument to the contrary and seems more focused on how I can go about ruining her life and the lives of my siblings and father. She even had the audacity to claim that she would have no friends when word of this gets out and that she has nothing left to live for. She's actually kind of scaring me. Anyway, I seem to be rambling, so I want to say thank you all again for your support thus far.
     
  20. tallship

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    sorry to say this but your ma is trying to use emotional blackmail on you. I put myself down for many years due to other peoples attitudes towards me the result they got what they wanted and i ended up with mental illness .In sort you cant be what others want you to be without hurting yourself in the long run .so give them some time to get over the shockthey if your ma cant accept you as her loving child ,then she's the one with the problem not you .(*hug*)