Ok, so it's been a pretty stressful and eventful week. I have spoken more about my sexuality and self harm than any previous time but it really doesn't seem to be helping. I went to see the self harm recovery worker (not entirely sure what to call her really) and it just felt like a total waste of time. I mean it was the day after I told my parents about everything (came out to them and told them about the self harm in one go :s - but they have been pretty good I just haven't had the guts to talk much about it), and was really just so stressed out and shattered by it all, but it really wasn't a very positive experience. She was very friendly and nice and all that - I just couldn't feel comfortable opening up to her. She kept asking all this stuff and I didn't know what to say. Essentially in her opinion it's all pretty much to do with issues with sexuality, not being confortable with it etc. and for some reason her saying that just makes me shut off and not want to talk about. It's like I've been told so frequently that I should just accept myself, and stop being pathetic, finding things so difficult and that no one will have a problem with it anyway. But the more people asure me that it's not that big a deal the worse I feel about finding it so hard. Basically I have no idea what I feel - just that I would rather shy away from things and people and that I am incredibly fustrated with myself about everything. It's like I'm in the same position now as I was a year ago - scared, confused and totally lost about everything. I don't really want to go again, but I don't really have any other options. I need to sort things out but it is just so difficult. I don't know I just feel incapable of actually talking properly about my feelings and like nothing is ever going to change. I want it to change but I honestly don't know how. I don't know. I should go and speak to her again but I don't want to, I'm scared. :icon_redf and really feel like I'm never going to be able to sort any of this out. Even this makes practically no sense. :bang:
First off, congratulations on coming out both with your sexuality and your self harming. I find it very admirable that you chose to reach out and that you are now seeking further help and pushing yourself to do it, even though you are scared and frusterated. I hope this therapist or "self harm recovery worker" can help, and I understand that it may feel impersonal talking to her, but just like posting here it can be very good for you just to talk to someone. I would advise you to go back again and see how it plays out. You have already come so far, it would be a shame to psych yourself out and step back into the closet. Things may not be looking up right now, but it sounds like your parents took it fairly well and you should feel blessed for that. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable opening up more to them but they love you and thats what they are there for. And as always we are here for you when you need to talk!
i dont think this is your fault. with this help lady, you may feel like she doesnt understand, because how could she? she's never gone through what you're going through, and probably most of the people you know have no clue so it makes complete sense to feel totally lost in the world right now. do remember that she's trying to help though and she has helped others before, and i dont think she actually expects you to have answers for all of her questions, she just wants you to be able to think. unfortunately i'm gonna tell you pretty much the same thing as all of them, sorry, it really is about comfort. but bear with me for a second, i was horribly frightened for a while and depressed about my entire condition of being too and i was always afraid of what people were going to think. and that was mostly why i was uncomfortable with myself. it seems like its a whole image issue. but really, who cares what other people think? about it not being a big deal, well that's a load of bullshit. being gay has probably significantly affected every part of your life from your relationships with your friends and family to how you walk down the street every day, and closing yourself off is normal to prevent people from seeing that you're gay. the goal is to make it not a big deal anymore and that just takes time. things will change, and its not a matter of making them change, its about letting them change. step back and let what happens happen, try meditation or something and calm your mind. sounds like you're under a lot of stress. hope that wasnt too long, and hope it helps you. just remember you can always talk to any of us because we understand
Don't feel bad about things not working out the first time with the counselor. I would give it another go and go back. I know for me it was hard for me to open up and talk about my sexuality to anyone. I held onto this for so long it was 'mine' and hard for me to let go. If you have something that you want to discuss with them try writing a letter and read it to them during your next session. Good Luck!
The only way counseling works is if it's a two-way street. If something the counselor says rubs you the wrong way, SAY so. "When you say stuff like that, it make me just want to clam up and not talk to you anymore. I feel like you're dismissing my problem, or rubber-stamping it." Lex
