1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Panicking now! Feel circumstance is forcing me to come out when im not ready!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Peter76, May 6, 2009.

  1. Peter76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2009
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Birmingham, West Midlands, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello All!

    Ive got myself into two awkward situations and wondered if anyone has any advice!

    I recently came out to five friends, one of whom is my best friend Deborah. It went well with them all, and they have been very supportive, reassuring and caring. But, I have found it very emotionally draining and decided that I am not yet ready to come out to any other friends or family. I want more time. But two things have happened which are putting huge pressure on me.

    1. Ive booked a holiday with my boyfriend to Morocco. We go away in two weeks time. I really feel that I cannot leave the country without telling my parents... it just doesnt seem right to do that. But, I can't face the questions... who are you going with? If I say, just a friend,.... they will ask, oh who? I am normally very open with my parents. When I am on holiday, they will also actually be on holiday in Greece, so it would be possible to go and not tell them...but it feels very wrong. Should I lie and say Im going with a friend they know? Im really not ready to come out to my parents yet.

    2. My best friend Deborah is getting ordained in June and has invited me and my boyfriend. I agreed and my boyfriend is looking forward to it too. However, I have recently found out that a number of my other friends will be there who I am not out to. I can't introduce my bf as "just a friend" as he clearly isnt and I wouldnt want to do that, but I now feel that Im trapped into a corner about coming out to these friends, all in one go, at a time when I am not ready. Deborah thinksI should come out to them before June 26th when we will be there, so they dont react to my boyfriend.... I wanted to come out when I was ready, and now I feel completely trapped and forced. What do I do? I cant not go, I cant uninvite and boyfriend (and dont want to).... this situation is really making me feel ill.

    Any advice would be appreciated!!!

    Thanks

    Pete
     
  2. silas99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2008
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    In my own world....Wales!
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Pete
    Take a breather mate. You seem really stressed out by this situation! If I was you I would take to your boyfriend about this...tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you want to introduce him as your boyfriend but that you arent ready for them to know yet. I'm sure he will understand...everyone needs to come out in their own way.

    About your parents....I would tell them you're going on holiday. It would just cause too much trouble afterwards...what with trying to hide pictures and making sure friends dont mention it. I think you should tell them you are going to Morocco on holiday with a really good mate. You dont have to come out to them just yet, but I would definitely tell them you are going.

    Good luck mate.xxx
     
  3. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,870
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Peter!

    First off, congrats on your coming out thus far! :slight_smile:

    Why not just say I am going with a good friend of mine. If they ask more, you could still provide them with some info, without having to let them know that he is your bf at this stage.

    Why not just act as if everybody knows? If someone asks that doesn't know just introduce him. Like this the onus is on the person that asks and not on you. Yeah, there might be a second of awkwardness but that will fade, and it will all be forgotten the next.

    I agree that it would not be fair to him or to you for that matter of not introducing him properly. From my experience I have learned that if you 'treat' your sexual identity as a normal thing and there is nothing to hide, chances are that others will see it as something normal too. The same goes with having a bf.

    Do you think that your friends that don't know would be accepting/understanding? If you feel that they would not be as understanding/accepting or supportive then maybe talk to your bf (as the above poster mentioned).

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
    #3 Mirko, May 6, 2009
    Last edited: May 6, 2009
  4. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To boil it all down, you're going to have to decide which of your thought processes is going to win. On one side, you have your "it's been emotionally draining coming out, and I don't want to go through with it anymore at this time". On the other side, you have "there are people who I feel deserve to know, and it's not right to keep it from them anymore".

    Honestly, I'd say let side two win. Nothing you say seems to indicate that your parents or friends will take it poorly. (Otherwise, you wouldn't even be contemplating telling your parents you're taking a boyfriend on vacation, for instance.) If you'd like, you might even enlist Deborah's help in telling some of the other friends. Not your parents, though - that one is all yours. :slight_smile: Yeah, it'll be more work, but think about how nice the vacation will be without that burden on you anymore.

    Lex
     
    #4 Lexington, May 6, 2009
    Last edited: May 6, 2009
  5. EM68

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2008
    Messages:
    3,265
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Stoughton, Massachusetts USA
    I would tell your parents that you are going away with a friend and leave it at that. If they ask who just say a person from work, club, church etc and not get into detail.

    As far as Deborah's ordination you have some time. I would talk to her and your bf about your concerns about coming out to your friends. From what you have said before they sound like awesome people. Talk it through with them then decide. You may decide to come out to them before the ordination. If not just introduce your bf as a friend.
     
  6. Alex19

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2009
    Messages:
    1,157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    ok, tell your parents hes just a friend. even if they ask who, tell them a new one. they dont have to know what kind of friend yet.

    and as for your friends, u can tell them the same thing. your bf should understand what your going through so being introduced as a friend right now shouldnt really do any damage to your relationship.
     
  7. Mickey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2008
    Messages:
    1,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Why can't you just say,to your friends,this is so& so and not define him in any other way?
    Like,"this is John",and just leave it at that. As for your parents,you can do the same.
    I agree,you should come out when YOU'RE ready. Don't feel pressured into doing something you're not ready for. Whatever you decide,good luck and all the best to you.