Hey everyone, I've only posted here once or twice, but have been reading the boards for about a year as I struggle to come out. I kind of know what I should do in this situation, I just wanted to get a few opinions. I haven't come out to any of my straight friends yet, although I feel as I'm almost ready, at least with some people. A lot of my friends I feel comfortable telling, and will hopefully do so shortly. I don't forsee many, if any issues with these people. On the other hands, some of my other friends I'm not so sure. Anyway, the point of this post is that as of now I'm planning on living in a house w/ three of my really good guy friends starting this summer. And things are going to be coming to a head soon, so I have to make a decsision. Through knowing these guys over the past few years, I know they don't have a positive image of gay people, and often make fun of gay people. I hope that if I came out they'd support me, but I don't know for sure. So my problem is this-- do i come out to them beofre we finalize this housing situation. I feel if I don't that I'll be closeting myself off for another year, as coming out while we're all living together may make things uncomfortable and dishonest on my part. I know what I should do, I just don't know if I'm ready for it. Plus, I have a lot of stuff planned w/ these guys this summer-- a vacation, share baseball season tickets w/ one of the guys, etc. I just don't know what the right time is. So its really weighing on me and I don't know what I should do. Anyone have any advice? Thanks
Hi there! Glad you decided to come back on EC! It looks like to be a bit of a conundrum, but sometime people change when they hear or realize that one of their good friend is gay. Often people just say things to look cool or fit in within a particular group of friends. At the same time, if they don't have a positive image of gay people, you letting them know about yourself, would trash that image in a second. Because then they'll see that 'hey a good friend who likes to hang out with us and is cool, is gay. So those things do go together' I think it would be better if you would let them know before moving in. Letting them know before hand, you don't have to worry about what will happen if you come out to them after wards. You don't have to worry about being in the closet while living with them and most importantly you are honest with yourself and can be yourself around your friends. Maybe what would help, try coming out to them one by one. You still have some time before any final decisions are made in terms of the house/lease, etc... Maybe use this time to think a bit more about it and coming out to them. With some of the things you have said, it sounds like that you are ready for them to know. Maybe just a bit of courage is missing? You already have mentioned all the reasons why it would be a good idea to let them know. Look at them again. If it helps, write the down again. If you can stand in front of the mirror and say out loud 'today I am going to come out to one my friends' without having any awkward feelings, I'd say you are ready! Before coming out to friends, we often fear that we will lose them. But remember, real friends will accept you for who you are. As you know, your sexual identity does not change anything about you. Coming out to them, does not change your love for baseball, or anything for that matter. You will still be the same person. Your sexual identity should not be the deciding factor in your friendship. You know your friends and you know the reasons for why you want to let them know. Weigh them against each other. I hope this helps!
Be honest with them. Explain that this isn't easy for you (i.e. the hardest thing in the world). Answer their questions, and ask questions of them to see how comfortable they are, and in areas where they aren't, talk it out. You're the same person they're friends with -- you just happen to like guys. It shouldn't change anything about your friendship, and let them know how much you're trusting them by telling them. Holding it back longer will make things hell for you, and worse for your friendships in the long run -- resentment and disappointment will build up with a lot of frustration (sexual and otherwise). Just let it out, and trust that these guys are there for you no matter what. It's always better to be honest -- it'll be a lot harder living with them and having to be dishonest about yourself.
I'd agree. You're obviously uncomfortable with the situation as it is, so you have 3 options: Don't come out to them and remain uncomfortable - essentially putting your own life 'on hold' for another year Come out to them and face whatever that brings (which is usually better than we imagine) Don't move in with them or come out to them. I'm sure the best thing to do is option 2. They can't be all that bad / homophobic if you are good friends with them. I'm sure most of their comments are made in jest - and they'll just make them with you in mind going forward, and you'll all be able to laugh with them rather than you cringing as you currently do.
Yeah, I'd say it's time you had a bit of a talk with them. I think it might help if you phrase things a. with a sort of hint that they should already know, and b. with an eye towards THEM. "If we're going to be living together, I think it's best to come clean about something. I know you guys have said some rather anti-gay things in the past, so I need to know that you're cool with living with a gay guy." Lex
