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Can you think you're gay but be bi?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by UCLA77, May 8, 2009.

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  1. UCLA77

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    Okay, I'm confused after reading the post "Bis: like boys/girls equally all the time?" Even more confused than I already have been! I mean all the LBGT (or whatever it's called) stuff is confusing enough to me.

    My question in regard to that other post is this. If you come out as gay/lesbian, how do you know for sure that you really are gay or lesbian, and not just going through "girls phase" (to quote Psychedelic Bookmarks) or "guys phase"...

    Do you know what I mean? This kinda makes me confused and paranoid especially considering the situation I'm in with my lesbian ex-girlfriend. When I think I'm starting to understand a few things, something comes along and I get confused all over again.
     
  2. Mysterons

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    You've said in another thread that you know for sure that you're straight and can't possibly fall for another guy. Well, this is pretty much the same.
     
  3. silas99

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    Hey
    The problem with sexuality is there is no wrong or right answer to the question you just asked. Every single person is different. But having read all your previous posts.... I think you are hoping your ex is bi...rather than looking at the bigger picture. She has told you she is gay...and I think you must stop having doubts. I think you will have to search hard for someone who comes out as gay after 28 years of living straight, who is actually bisexual.

    I totally understand why all this confuses you because I have no godly understanding of sexuality either. The one thing this site has taught me though is that we are all different, including your ex-girlfriend. She has told you she's gay and you must trust that.

    Perhaps what I will say next is going to sound overly harsh but you must move on with your life. You obviously love her very much, but you must start to let her go because otherwise this path will lead you to places where you dont want to go. You both deserve to be happy....but not together.
     
  4. Miles D

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    You can never be absolutely 100%, doubtlessly gay/straight/bisexual. I mean, I have known too many straight girls who had/[have] serious relationships with other women.

    I also was pretty sure I was gay, and then I dated a lesbian, who also thought beyond a shadow of a doubt she was gay.

    All you can do is trust your ex that this is how she identifies at the moment, and who she feels she is. Sexuality is different for every person. Don't assume that because she dated you she didn't have feelings for you, but do know that since she identifies as a lesbian, you and she won't be having that kind of relationship any more.
    :slight_smile:
     
  5. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    Sorry if that post has confused you... I can't really help, because I seem to be coming to the conclusion that when I thought I was gay/straight, I was really deceiving myself, and I am attracted to both. So I don't know how you could be sure you were 100% one or the other. But I hope that you find some peace with this situation with your ex. Remember that her journey/issues are not your responsibility, and do not necessarily reflect on you in any way.
     
  6. UCLA77

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    Personally, I'm not so sure I can agree with that. I mean, if being gay meant I would have the same feelings for men that I'm capable of having for women, no disrespect or anything, but I could never be gay. I can think of a few guys I know who would probably want to kick the shit out of me if I even suggested that they were not 100% straight. I know for a fact I could never harbor those types of feelings for another man. Not that there's anything wrong with that! (To quote that famous Seinfeld episode)

    I know I should trust that she is gay, because that is what she said. She didn't say she was bi. She said she was unequivocally gay. I just worry a lot I guess. I worry that it really WAS because of me, not that I turned her gay, but that I wasn't good enough as a man, and I can't help but worry sometimes that there is a better man somewhere out there.

    But there's not. She's a lesbian. I have to remind myself of that.
     
  7. Just Adam

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    why label yourself at all, if you like the person thats all that should matter irrelevant of gender.
     
  8. Greggers

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    The thought of boobies, and naked women in general, gives me spine chilling fears.

    Yea...i dont think im "a little bit bi" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. UCLA77

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    Not everyone falls in love with people regardless of their gender. There are 100% straight people in the world. And I'm sure there are 100% gay people too.
     
  10. Lexington

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    You seem more than a little fixated. This isn't healthy.

    Lex
     
  11. Maddy

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    For some people, most likely. There's such a wide spectrum of sexuality that the people on the very ends aren't nearly as numerous as the people closer to the middle. However, if she left you because she was certain she liked women and only women, she's not going to suddenly realise "I still like guys" and go back to you.
     
  12. UCLA77

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    Are you referring to what I said up above about the straight/gay/bi thing, or are you referring to the situation with my ex?
     
  13. Roxas101

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    :roflmao:

    But those things are so much fun! Seriously... how can you NOT be somewhat attracted by them?

    Back on topic... I think of myself as being Gay quite a bit of the time. I'm not though, I am actually Bi. Bisexuality is NOT always 50/50 guys/girls. I'm more like 80/20 guys/girls.

    In the case of you're ex-girlfriend, she probably is somewhat Bisexual. She wouldn't have gone into a relationship with you if she wasn't. However, she has told you she is a lesbian, which means that the part of her that is interested in girls is a lot more prominent than the part which likes guys.

    Hope this helps!

    Kaleb.
     
  14. UCLA77

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    So are you saying that every gay/lesbian person who was in a "straight relationship" before they came out are not actually gay/lesbian, but "somewhat bisexual"? Because that's what that sounds like to me!
     
  15. Maddy

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    I don't agree with that, personally. Before I came out, I tried to make myself be attracted to guys, and I would probably have had a relationship with a guy, because I just didn't want to accept that I was a lesbian. It's possible to have a relationship with someone when you're not attracted to their gender at all.
     
  16. UCLA77

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    I see.

    She told me similar things. She said she tried being straight, she tried to be what society wanted her to be, she said she always tried to change it, and so on. The statement I quoted in the previous post is basically saying that anyone who comes out as gay or lesbian, who was in an opposite sex relationship prior to coming out, is really a bisexual. Which I'm sure is not true for everyone.
     
  17. Roxas101

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    I'm not saying that at all, but in many cases it is. Sexuality is a spectrum, as has been said quite a few times here...

    She obviously trusts and cares about you a lot, otherwise she would never have told you any of this. However, you need to move on from it. If she identifies herself as being a lesbian, then she would not appreciate you trying to get back with her.

    Kaleb.
     
  18. Lexington

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    >>>Are you referring to what I said up above about the straight/gay/bi thing, or are you referring to the situation with my ex?

    The former solely as a symptom of the latter. I keep reading posts from you saying things along the lines of "I realize she's a lesbian, and that's that", and "I need to move on." But other things you say seem to indicate that you're not doing that.

    Lex
     
  19. UCLA77

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    Well, it's not as easy to just forget about it and get over it as some of you seem to think it is. I could care less about finding "Ms. Right." You don't just stop loving someone. You don't just stop having feelings for a person because you're supposed to "move on."

    The thought of some other lovely girl out there waiting for me doesn't make me feel any better. I'm indifferent. I just don't want to think about it. I don't care. I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't care if I'm ever in one again. It's not the end of the world. I don't need anyone. She was more than an ex-girlfriend.

    She was a close friend, and now she's an ex-friend. So sorry if I'm not instantly getting over it and moving on. I don't know how many people here have suddenly lost a friend of 10 years in a situation like this one, but it's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to go through.
     
  20. Jim1454

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    I'm feeling the same way.

    Your relationship with your girlfriend is over. Does it really matter why? What if she DID break up with you for another reason? Does it matter? Does it change your current situation? Is there anything you can do to change the fact that you're not dating her any more?

    No.

    I'm quite certain that she is a lesbian. She could have come up with a hundred reasons to break up with you other than that. It's not something that any of us takes lightly - coming out to our straight partners.

    But again - it doesn't matter if she's 100% gay, 90% gay, or 51% gay. She wasn't comfortable in the relationship she had with you - as a man - and she needed to end it. And now it's over. And you need to accept that. Agonizing over whether she's really gay or not isn't really doing you any good.
     
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