First of all, I just want to say that this website has helped me so much with coming to terms with myself. Before, coming out didn't feel like an option, just something I would have to deal with in the future, but would see no benefit of. Despite that, sometimes I feel like I would be happier had I never found this site, as it has made me so constantly aware of my sexuality, and its effect on the rest of my life. I can't believe I have gone from being so constantly happy, to having huge mood swings of being normal to being so unhappy and actually shivering with nerves. This is mainly due to the barrage of homophobia and anti-gay comments that I have recently had to endure every day from people in my life. It is not directed at me, as I am not yet out, but it is just enough that it is slowly crushing my spirit I'm at an art school, supposedly one of the most liberal institutions you could find, or so I thought. Ironically, the year I'm finally ready to come out and the school's LGBT society disappears! Just my luck. Either that or they are very secretive, and have no desire to recruit new members... Not a day goes by when one of my friends doesn't make a gay joke. One in particular, one of the only girls in my class (so naturally commands the loyalty and attention of all my male friends) is particularly homophobic. If I came out, I have a feeling all my friends would side with her. Especially my best friend (who is pretty much in love with her). I think all my friends have said something homophobic at some point, which has shown their true feelings about gay men (2 girls together is ok apparently). Knowing how they really feel, how can I possibly trust them to be supportive even though they are generally nice people and my only friends? I know this is kind of their problem but I'm afraid they are going to feel bad or awkward after I come out, after them having said homophobic things to my face. I also know they will talk about me and make jokes about me behind my back. They have made jokes about me being gay, even though I'm pretty straight acting. If they really thought I was gay then I don't think they would say anything in case they offended me? This is so confusing, as im not sure if they know and are just waiting for me to confirm their suspicions, or if they think I'm totally straight and so think its funny to call me gay. All my friends are also on facebook, and if was to come out, I have a feeling it would be made very public, very quickly. So my main problem is... how do I come out in a way that doesn't make it a big deal (even though it is to me), that doesn't potentially cause a LOT of tension and lose me all my friends. This is actually affecting every aspect of my life, and I haven't even told anyone yet. It's actually affecting my uni work, and I feel like I'm losing all motivation to do anything. I'm constantly wondering what the point to anything is, and I am slowly approaching breaking point. Another thing is I have OCD and think about germs a lot. Although I am fully clued up on how you can and can't get HIV/AIDS, and fully aware of the prejudice surrounding gay people and AIDS, I don't know if I can ever feel comfortable in a gay bar without constantly thinking about it, let alone being in a relationship. (Never had one of those either). So yeah, that's pretty much what's going on in my life at the moment. :bang: I need help... (Sorry to be so depressing)
Hey Welcome to EC! You don't say how old you are, but based on your username and being in uni maybe 19 or 20? You say: "I think all my friends have said something homophobic at some point, which has shown their true feelings about gay men." I'm sure all of us have said homophobic things as it's ingrained into youth culture, and/or we are just trying to fit in. But things often change when they are confronted with the fact that one of their good friends is gay. Yeah, it may shock them and they may apologize for things they said (if they even remember), but that's a good thing, not a bad one. I highly doubt you will lose many if any friends, especially if you are already at uni. My suggestion is just to take it slow and maybe try to come out to one or two close friends, test the waters a bit. Ask them to keep it to themselves and not plaster it all over facebook because you would like to come out at your own pace. Good luck.
Hi! I know what you mean. I work at a job, in a school in fact, where lots of gay jokes are exchanged. I am also not out but the words still hurt. I feel like the homosexual community is the new scape goat of all jokes. I hate it but its something we go to go through. We might not be accepted in this era or any but we got to endure!
if your friends take it bad and are cruel that just shows what kind of friends they really are it IS theyre problem and youve deserve better people in your life not to be mean but your best mate needs to remember bros before well you know possibly lol.... he should have your back any time over a girl he likes if he dont hes a misserable friend, be proud of yourself for who you are and if she says anything just tell her its only cos shes scared you will take all the hot guys and welcome by the way
Hi there! Trying to understand someones sexual identity and trying to come to terms with is not easy. You have already taken a few steps, steps over which you can be really proud of. I'm sorry to hear that you face homophobic remarks on a regular basis. Often we say things without giving a second thought to them as to how it might make someone feel. Often times, it starts with one person but than others join in because of 'group' or 'friends' pressure and the need to be seen to be cool and to be able to fit in. But I would be willing to bet with you that once you see them on their own, some of their views and sayings will change. When someone comes out to others, people will start to think more or at least become more aware of what they say. Some of your friends might even apologize to you for what they have said,. You as a person have powers over others. What I mean here is that you are the best educator on what it means to be gay and the difficult journey it is in terms of coming to terms with being gay and coming out. It's too bad that your school's LGBT society is no longer as active as it used to be. Is there perhaps a LGBT group in your town or city that you could join? When you feel that you are ready to come out to your friends, start with one really good friend that you can trust and know that he/she won't make jokes behind your back. I actually doubt that they would make jokes behind your backs. If they are your real friends and value your friendship, they will probably feel sorry for what they have said. Try not to let all of it inside of you. As you have realized it can become overwhelming fast and it can have an impact on other things in your life. If you can, try seeing a counselor at your university. Talking about things and getting feedback on some of the things that you are dealing with, could really help you in moving forward. A counselor could also give you tips on how to regain your motivation. You don't have to go through everything by yourself. Ask for help. I hope this helps a bit. (*hug*)
Welcome to EC and thanks for sharing your story! I empathize with your situation and we all kind of understand how it is to feel the whole world is against us. But it isn't Regarding your friends and classmates' homophobic remarks: it's really too bad, but I think they don't think about the consequences of what they say. They're probably much less homophobic than they seem. When your *true* friends will know you're gay, I'm confident they'll accept you and be more careful about making fun of gays or using gay insults. My advice for you for coming out is to start small. Find the one friend (or family member, if you're more comfy with them) you can trust. The one person who's most likely to support you and keep it to him/herself. This way you can take the big first step and not be afraid it'll spread all over the school. Good luck!
Welcome to (the posting side of) EC! Let me just focus on one aspect of what you've said. >>>I think all my friends have said something homophobic at some point, which has shown their true feelings about gay men... Two arguments here. First off, they may not actually feel that way. Peer pressure is something that doesn't stop after high school. They may be telling gay jokes because "that's what you do". Secondly, I've encountered very few truly gay-hating individuals. Most homophobia is simply ignorance. Once people get to know homosexuals, the homophobia tends to recede (if not vanish). So don't feel your friends will turn against you if you come out. Chances are, they simply need to know you're gay, and then their homophobia will diminish (if not vanish). Lex
