Hello m'dears. Allow me to rant/question/spaz/vent/talk at you now. Following is a long ramble style text. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Thank-you. <long long ramble text> So. Where to begin? Perhaps at the beginning. I joined this website a while back...because I was confuzzled about myself, my sexuality, sex in general and life. Yep. Pretty broad spectrum. Having joined, I got incredibly busy doing school work and so on, and was distracted. Then I went to a friend's party in early April. And IT happened. I had drunk a little bit and was tipsy-ish. A friend of mine, who was also at the party, had brought along a (female) friend from Edinburgh with her (I'm in Paris). Let's call the Scottish friend Jane, shall we? Well, we're all sitting around at some point and suddenly Jane asks: Hey you guys, is anyone here bi? UH OH. *cue warning bells going off* So I (bear in mind I had had a bit to drink) said: "well, I might be. But I really don't know. Because I'm sometimes attracted to girls, but I also get really attracted to guys. So I don't know." And of course, this keeps puzzling me...why did she ask, is she interested, should I try something, is it worth it, am I bi or am I just drunk, etc. But that sort of made me a bit bolder. Then later when a bunch of us were walking to the park, we were walking together, arm in arm (as friends helping each other walk in a slightly inebriated state) and I just sort of turned to her and said "I'm going to do this now before I lose my nerve" and kissed her...she didn't look too upset, sort of half-kissed me back and we mutually agreed "not now or here". Later when we were walking back...we got "lost". In three different places. (FYI, bushes are not a stable surface to lean against. I sorta fell into the bushes which semi-pulled her in too and we had to pluck bits of twig out of our hair. It was reeeeally funny.) I don't know how I feel about it fully...it was very nice *blush blush blush blush blush* - she kissed better than my ex. I had to teach him that I wasn't going to run away. Honestly, I don't think I could have had a better first experience - I had had enough to drink to not have my brain talking to me: "what are you doing? That's a girl you're kissing. Are you sure you want to do this" etc etc. And she was really nice about it...she was like "are you sure? Because I don't want to take advantage of you. Especially 'cause you're so young and all." (I'm 15, she's 18) +, she understood why I was a leeeetle bit paranoid that others (as in my friends) would see us. We just made out, but yeah. It's still a "homosexual experience". And a bunch of people would still be shocked. Anyways. It was very pleasant. And interesting. And now I'm questioning myself more. Two of my friends know. Which is okay, because they're people who won't spread it around. I think they attribute it quite a bit to alcohol, which isn't bad really. So. That's most of the story of my escapade. And since then I keep wondering more. I know I had had quite a bit to drink. But...I wasn't drunk. I was still sober enough to know what was going on. And the next day, I sent her a message saying that from a totally sober point of view, I did not regret anything. Which was true. And still is true. I don't regret it. I'm just confused. It was nice getting that off my chest. But but but but but. I still don't know about myself. I would like to "experiment" more, and try to understand better, but it's not all that easy. I'm a major geek...I like analysing things, biologically and psychologically. I don't know if it's the sexual side that appeals to me, or the woman side, or the shapes or vhat. My bio mind says that since I'm a hormonal, psychologically unbalanced (I'm working on getting diagnosed - probably Bipolar/atypical depression) teenager, the endorphins from sexual/physically intimate interactions and the adrenaline rush from illicit (aka with the same sex and without others knowing) relations is part of the explanation - I'm attracted to girls because they give me a high. But the psychological part of me says: "girl, if they turn you on, don't deny it. Try and understand and give it a chance...you might come out happier." Advice? Arguments? I don't really know what I'm asking for here. Maybe I jsut needed to talk about it? No, I think I would like advice. Do you guys have any advice, suggestions, opinions, similar experiences, etc.? I guess this is mainly directed to the bisexual crowd out there, but to the others too; how did you really decide on whether you were gay? On who you were attracted to? On how you felt? Etc. </long long ramble text> Hey, you were warned. Thanks for listening reading. Ciao y'all. Have a lovely day/night. <3. Happy Go Lucky
Wow you really are happy go lucky. You're post is so upbeat and optimistic...I think we all need a bit of that. Drunken mistakes are always so embarrasing the next day....but it sounds like you knew exactly what you wanted at the time and you went for it. Added bonus is that the next day you felt great about it. I dont think you have to put a label on your sexuality...if you're turned on by girls well thats great. If the guys also float your boat well thats also cool. Most important thing to remember is to stay safe and have fun!
hey (*hug*), sounds to me like you had a pretty good night with 'Jane'. I don't really know how I knew I was gay, I've always known there was something very different about me - at one point (I was very young at this time) I even thought I was an alien, sent here to observe the human race. I too always try to analyse everything, I find it very difficult to take anything at face value, or even just enjoy an experience without thinking about all the variables that could cause things to turn a different way. When I hit puberty, I knew that I was definitely not straight, I always accepted myself - I never went through the 'denial' phase which I now know to be so common among LGBT teens. I even went as far as to publicly come out as bisexual age 12 (although not to my parents - they still don't know) and I now know that I'm actually gay rather than bi and so do most others - the ones who still think I'm bi get corrected as and when the topic comes up. Sexuality is a very complex thing. I don't pretend for a second to understand it - and I think today's society concentrates far too much on labelling us. You are attracted to who you're attracted to, end of. That's what really matters. Just because I would identify as gay doesn't mean that I am attracted to every man - I actually have very particular tastes - but I also would not rule out all women - just almost all of them. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more - you seem like a cool person. --Jonny
Ohhh that sounds eerily familiar. Well, aside from the drunken make-out, I've yet to have one of those (damn! =P) You know, I've personally been struggling with my own identity for years. I'm still not quite sure where I am, spectrum-wise. But I've spent so many nights laying awake, pulling at my hair, wanting to cry or scream or tear my pillow to bits because I was just so confused and frustrated. Any time I'd feel attracted to another woman I'd run through a mental checklist, like, "Am I really attracted to her? Am I as attracted to her as I am to a man? Would I find a relationship with her as satisfying? More satisfying? Am I just attracted to men because I want babies?" and so on, and so on, and so on. Thing is, I'm sure doing some of that is healthy. But I couldn't really answer those questions, because it was all... theoretical. (Since you've actually made out with another woman, you've got one up on me as far as experimenting goes, hehe.) And I was so preoccupied with them. But I recently saw a counselor, because all this mental runaround was making me tired and miserable, all the time. And she suggested to just... let myself not think about it. And oddly enough, it worked. I feel like it makes more sense now. If I see a cute girl walk by, I just let myself go, "Mmm, I like!" and not try to analyze it to death by running through my "WHY am I attracted to her, IS it attraction, IS it even real..." mental spiel over and over. Because I could never answer those questions in any definitive way - if I thought I had an answer, I doubted how true it was. Thinking about emotions is hard, especially when they're yours. And I'm with you on being an analytical person! But I personally found that trying to analyze my own emotions didn't end up answering my questions. If anything, it confused me more. And because I was spending so much time thinking about it, feeling like I had to have answers now now now, I made myself really, really miserable. I don't know if you have that problem, but I personally found that just letting myself feel what I'd feel answered most of my questions. Besides, it's much more fun thinking "I like her! She's cute and I'd like to go make kissyface now!" than trying to run through that exhausting gauntlet of self-analysis! If you like it, you like it, sometimes that's all there is to it. =) I have no idea if this was helpful at all, haha!
Ooohlala. People have already answered. I am sooo impressed. Anywhooooo. Silas99, yes, I am a rather Happy Go Lucky ish person. But not always. I'm rather lackadaisical too. < LOVE that word. Erm. What was I saying? Another problem with me is that I'm really not a very focussed type of person, unless I need to be, I sort of float around and look perplexed, hyper, happy and then catastrophically depressed. <Love that word too : cat-aaaaas-trofff-ick-allyyyyy. OKAY. BEING RELEVANT NOW... So yes, drunken situations are embarrassing mortifying, especially when other (straight) people learn about them. It was pretty interesting, because I thought she was hot from the start...the androgynous sort of look is something I like, and she was realyl doing well with the short spiky haircut + many earrings. Mmmmmm... Kettleoffish, (*hug*)s to you too. I love your screen name by the way...it's really entertaining. I definitely had fun with Jane. It was very nice, certainly an improvement on my ex...who is funnily enough walking around the classroom at the moment. The thing with puberty and all (which I hit and got over a long time ago) is those lovely little things called hormones...the bitches. Basically, my hormones are running all over my body and considering I didn't have contact with men for a while (I was at an all-girl's school for *gasp* seven years *gasp*), I was basically turned on by all the guys at my school at the start of this year, after I moved to Paris. Actually, maybe it's linked to the fact that I was surrounded by hormonal girls for so long? Anyways. I'm attracted to guys and girls, and there are some girls in particular that I would have no objection getting *cough cough* "closer" to. That much I know. Whether I'm bi or just really horny is the question. Take that Hamlet! *cringes in humiliation at the use of crappy Shakespearean humour*. Mayhaps I will message you, thankie for offering. Ghostdog, dearie, I suggest you get you some booze and find a park and a gay/bi girl. Go for it. Guaranteed fun. Also adds something to the theoretical bit so that you can make up your mind more. I've sort of settled into my role as "the gay/bi/butch" one in my friends, that is, with those who know, because I now have less concern when telling my friends they look good or whatever...not that I had an issue with it before - I'm a pretty brutally honest and blunt person. But I've reassured my friends who know that I'm not turned on by them. However, when a girl I like goes by...I allow myself to think it. DAMMMN...I wouldn't mind "getting lost" with her... XD Where do you live? Let me know if you come by Paris. Wow...my first proposition at someone. *fail* Ciao y'all. Going to lunch now. bai bai
