My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's shown symptoms since I was little, but the past few years have been the worst. I'm used to just dealing with her crazy mood swings and erratic behavior; ignoring them. My whole life I've grown accustomed to dealing with her screaming random crap at my dad at 11 at night, having him lose his temper, and a big argument ensuing. I'm used to it. But today things got worse than ever before. My mom woke up this morning and decided to get kind of drunk (something she does often). We had plans to go over to my aunt's house for brunch, and the whole way there my mom decided to yell at my dad that it was SO annoying to have him and my brother fighting all the time (he's 14, it happens a lot). We endured it as usual. The brunch went by fine. On the way home, though, it wasn't five minutes in the car before my mom lit into him again. She REALLY went off this time, and it was obvious my dad was getting angrier and angrier. I tried to tune it out by blasting my MP3 player, but it didn't work.
All of a sudden my dad completely and totally lost it. I could tell he was crying by the sound of his voice, and he began screaming like crazy, threatening to "bash in her skull" and "knock her teeth out" and that she was "goddamn lucky to be alive." He started punching the steering wheel, then hit the windshield, creating a square-foot huge crack in it (and everyone knew we wouldn't be able to afford to replace it for a LOOOONG while). I'm glad this all happened while we were stuck at a red light. Then all was quiet. My mom started sobbing, sobbing like people sob in old movies, unable to breathe or complete sentences, completely changing from the before-abusive one to playing this horrified abuse victim. Even though my dad didn't touch her. My dad calmed down quite a bit at this point, and his voice was low and he was acting really calm, like a villain on a cartoon who's angry beyond reason but doesn't show it. He was still strained, though, clearly in pain. Then he said, "Well, what do you expect? You abuse me like this and expect what afterwards? A hug? You're lucky I can restrain myself." My mom was still crying, telling him, "You're going to...replace...my windshield!" and of course he said no he wasn't, that once they got home he was going to get as far away from her as possible, that she needed to get a job and do it herself. The usual thing. My mom stopped sobbing momentarily and went back to yelling at him about the subject before. Then went back to sobbing. My dad was silent the whole way home. My brother tried to intervene, even screaming at her to shut up, even reaching up to the front seat to try to cover her mouth, but nothing worked. I just sat there staring out the window, crying shamelessly, wearing my tears like a badge of honor, hoping they'd cause my parents to stop and say, "We can't do this, this really hurts her." I know it's a really selfish wish, but it was all I could do. Eventually we arrived home (safely, thank god) and I instantly went to go take a hot shower. Somehow I guess I ran out of tears or something, and I couldn't cry anymore. Once I got out and had calmed down, my dad came over to me and ruffled my hair, saying, "I'm so sorry. I'll look for a place for us to stay, okay? I love you." My mom refused to speak to any of us. See, my dad's whole "I'm going to leave her" thing has happened so many times that I've learned to take it with a grain of salt, but for some reason this thing really rattled me. I can barely think right now, and we got home more than two and a half hours ago. What if he really does leave? I can't stay with my mom. I really can't. But I can't abandon her, either. If we left her, I'm terrified she'd do something crazy. I'm almost afraid she would kill herself. She can't stand being alone. Someone has to take care of her. I swear, my dad's not abusive. And he'd never hurt anyone. I swear. He does so much for my brother and me. He's (literally!) broken his neck twice doing the work he does just to support us, and because of this is in chronic pain every day, but he still has to work. My mom isn't stable enough to do anything. I know what you're thinking. "Take her to a therapist!" Well, we tried that. After two sessions she came home sobbing and unwilling to say anything more, and she refused to ever go back. What if we admitted her to a mental institution? I know for a fact that if that happened, she would NEVER, EVER forgive any of us. Ever. And I just can't handle that. I really can't. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid things really will change this time, and I don't want them to. I'm so upset that I can't even stand the thought of doing anything but wallowing in self-pity. And I have a ton of homework. And I feel really selfish because of that. I should be focusing on other things. Sometimes I hate myself for letting my emotions get involved in what I should be doing. I'm barely passing my classes anyway. Please. I just need something to cheer me up right now. Something to let me know the world will still spin tomorrow and I'm not a horrible waste of a human being because I'd rather be sad than do my homework. Please.
First, (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) because this sounds incredibly scary for you. I'm really sorry that I can't give much by way of advice - this is beyond all I've had to handle in the past - but I promise, the world will keep turning. When something like this happens, emotions are so strong that everything else becomes insignificant, and if you can't get your homework done because of it, that's totally OK. I'm sure your teachers would understand if you told them - not every little detail, but if you say that you're having family issues and it's getting hard to get your work done, I'm pretty sure they'd be sympathetic. From all your posts that I've seen, you're a great person, far from a waste. (*hug*)
Wow, that's a tough situation. I can't imagine how difficult that must be, and you definitely have everyone's support here if you ever need to vent or talk things out. I'm not a medical professional, so not really in the position to give advice, but my uncle has BPD so I'm familiar with its presentation and how it can affect family and friends. It's one of the toughest personality disorders to deal with, since it's hell for the person who's suffering from it, and usually hell for the people who have to deal with it. It's treatable though, and individuals who suffer from it can completely recover. Have you had a one-on-one with your dad? Maybe sitting down and talking to him about how to care for your mom would be a good place to start -- you should also consider talking with a mental health professional for your own sake, just to work out emotions if nothing else. Living with someone with BPD imposes so much stress and emotional drain, and at least talking to a licensed professional will help, even if she refuses further treatment. Unsolicited advice aside, you have no reason to feel bad about yourself darling. I can't imagine how hard it's been growing up under those circumstances, but you seem to have your shit together and seem more mature than most 16-year olds (or 26-year olds for that matter) out there. You're not a waste of a human being -- you're wonderful and things will get better. You're not responsible for what your parents are going through, and you're strong. You're loved, and it will get better. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please PM me.
I don't know much about BPD or your family's situation so take my advice as you will. You have to talk with your mother about this when she is stable and let her know how much this hurts you and the rest of your family. This may make her more likely to seek help. Her absence at a psych hospital may also provide your family with the separation it needs to heal. For you personally, you need to know this has nothing to do with you. Life is filled with ups and downs so when you get this low, just remember that means their will be more ups later on.
Okay. Just breathe. I have definitely been in your shoes, like almost the exact same thing is happening to my family, just flip your parents (my dad has the issues, mentally and physically, doesn't work, and generally goes crazy.) first I have to say, please don't find ways to blame things on yourself or get mad at yourself for feel selfpity. This Is extremely difficult on you. Things are hard enough so you don't need to feel hard on yourself too. Actually, I would actually try to focus on helping yourself. It took a lot of people to tell me this until it actually sunk in, but this is sadly an problem that will affect you, but that really can't do anything about. Now I might be wrong there, but it sounds like it and it was true for me. You can just hope for the best, try to be supportive to your family members, and be supportive to yourself. Sorry if there are mistakes. I have to do all my ec stuff on my iPhone. So to help yourself. What I found the most helpful wasto vent to people, which you are doing now which is great. If you have close friends to talk with or I have found it extremely helpful to talk to someone else who was an adult. Counselors are great, but if you don't have access to one or don't feel comfortable maybe a teacher, friends parent, or a minister. I ended up talking to my youth minister at church and it has made a huge difference. I felt sort of weird at the beginning cuz I didn't know her that well, but it felt really good to talk to someone who's purpose was to listen. Someone who won't spread rumors, judge you, or take extreme action. I became so close to her through talking about my parents that she was the first person I came out to. Most of all, just try to stay postive with yourself. I know it is hard, and some nights you just have to wallow and be sad, but try to get your homework done. My grades all dropped a letter last semester because of how stressed out I was, but I have found that focusing and doing well in school made forget about things that were happening in my family. Plus when you do well in school, you will just feel happier. Remember that you are an amazing person and that no matter how bad life can seem, it will get better. I hope I helped some. If you want to talk, vent, or want some advice just message me. I would be happy to help.
first of all, im sorry that u have to go thru this. it sounds really bad...*hugs* i dont know much about borderline personality disorder, but i did read an article about it few months ago in Time magazine, and it said that it should be treated aggressively, or else it wont get any better at all. it also said that BPD is one of the most dangerous kinds of mental disorders, so something needs 2 be done. u should try to talk 2 ur dad about it, and see what u guys can do about this situation. seems like ur mom definitely should get consistent therapies-whether she likes it or not. also research more about BPD. the more u know about it, the better, and u might find some useful info about how to deal with it. one great website is www.webmd.com- they have info from the professional medical people, so it should be helpful. but yea, i think u should definitely talk to ur dad and other people, and see what u can do. i hope u feel better.
Sorry that was long, but hopefully helpful. Your life is just so much like mine. 16 years old, younger brother, large arguements in cars, trying to get people to go to therapy; parents threatening to leave; I seen it all. You just have to hope for the best.
