This is always a tough time of year for me. I am busy as always, but that's not it. I guess I'm just a little... tired lately. I feel like every day is the same monotonous grind and it is wearing me down. I feel like my life is going nowhere- like I'm not doing anything meaningful. I guess it doesn't help that I have been in and out of the doctor recently for issues that may point to a multitude of rather undesirable diagnosis. This past week it has been raining. I haven't been sleeping very much. I can feel myself slipping into this long slow depression. I'm watching it happen like a silent movie flashing before my eyes. I know what's behind that door. I know the girl in the film shouldn't go in there. I know what she'll find. But I'm just a spectator. Just a spectator in my own head. I just feel too tired. Too apathetic. So I've just been standing by. I've done this before. I've been here. I did this. I let myself slide. I forgot who I was. I forgot the life I had. I left it all behind and I let myself slip. My memories of those days play by in black and white. I had nothing, for I was nothing. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. I barely existed at all. Is that where I am headed again? Yes. Plainly and simply yes. I'm not ashamed of my past anymore. Instead I look at it as a necessary step in forming who I am today. It's my story and I own it. I rarely speak of the places I have been, but I carry those black and white memories with me as a reminder of what I have come through and the person it has made me. This week, as I begin the first steps of that descent all over again, I revisit those colorless days in the recesses of my mind. They are painful. There have been times when I have wanted nothing more than to be free of them. Yet they stay woven into the fabric of who I am for days like today. For weeks like this one. For months like May promises to be. They remain there as a road map to show me the wrong turns. To remind me of my pitfalls. To maybe keep me from going back to where I was back then, and help me stay looking forward. So this week I revisit who I was. I don't ever want to be that person again. So I look her in the eyes and I try to do it right this time. To see where I went wrong and not make the same mistakes. To look for the small differences and the small wonders each day brings. To stay engaged in my life. To maybe avoid wasting any more of my days.
hi there you have an amazing talent right there. Every word you just wrote captivated me....its a flair for the english language which is so rare. I hope that you do not lose your way this May. Dont look back at the person you were and think it reflects who you are or will become. You need to look in front and look at the positive side of everything....you have the abilities of a wordsmith...you sit at a computer and there is a roof over your head. Its rained all week, which means that there wont be a shortage of water and the flowers will grow. It means that you will appreciate the sunny days even more...believe me I know. You need to fight this urge your brain has to sink you into the dark side...you can fight it. Just wipe out the negative thought and fill it with positives. Everyone has positives in their life...you do to...fight for them. Hope you feel better soon. Nicxx
Yeah I agree with Silas -- you write very evocatively. Hope you keep up with it! =) I can't imagine not loving May -- maybe it's cause I live in the northeast, where it's the one month between winter and mugginess and everything is lovely. Take a walk outside, write some poetry, read a book by someone you've never heard of, take some chances. Spring is the reason for living darling.
Hey, I haven't been in exactly your place, but your post sounded very familiar; I felt really dark and colourless a while back....somehow came right and got on with life again but have felt myself slipping back down every once in a while. I guess the best response I can give is that it's really great to see how aware you are of how you feel. As much as you might feel too close to your feelings (you maybe wish you could turn them down or off sometimes), I think in the end they will be one of your greatest assets. Like others have said, they're allowing you to write in a way that they can really connect to, and i don't think that would be happening if you didn't know your feelings intimately and were able to interpret them fairly clearly. I guess trouble is they're still there, and probably nor that enjoyable to be around right now. I get the feeling though, that as long as you can cope with them, and as long as they can remain something that exists outside of you, they will be a valuable teacher. It's a hard one to explain but if that feeling of losing yourself starts to feel like it's gone from something you're watching happen to a feeling that's really invaded and got into your inner sanctum, your heart, you really need to talk to someone and get some help because that would be a dangerous place to be. I hope that your post has lightened things up a bit for you. You sound pretty smart and I'm confident you've got much better times ahead.
A lovely post indeed. And I do sense - at the end - that you recognize the fact that you can learn from your past rather than relive it. And that's what I was going to suggest. I've had some horrible periods in my life, and things that I regret doing. But as long as I have learned from them, then they have value. I don't like the rain either. But every year the seasons change. Every year. Good luck.
