I've literally spent the evening staring at my laptop doing nothing. I should be revising or doing something, I've got my first final on Thursday, but I can't shake this. I thought I was doing really well, like all of the last week or two I've been in such a positive mood, felt like things were really getting better, but in the last two days I've hit such a low. Today was the worst. Nothing really happened, in fact that was sorta the thing. With exams coming up, everyone's kinda doing their own thing. Outta the four close friends I have at uni, one's stayed home for ages and I've spoken to her one, the others are sort of around but I barely see them. One I haven't spoken to forever, I sent her an email the other day and she still hasn't got back to me, and it feels like things have been weird there for a while before break anyway. One is just off in her own little world, and the final one is complicated. She's one of the only people I've come out to so far, and we had an argument last week cus she was having a bad day and trying to talk about it on msn, we had a misunderstanding, and I was trying to explain what I'd meant, and she accused me of turning it round so we were talking about me, which really got to me and now even though we've cleared the air and she realises she misunderstood what I'd been saying at the time, I don't feel like I can talk to her at all. My friends from back home came up for a day last week, middle of my happy spell. Maybe that's whats setting this off, I miss them and cus they're so far away I hardly ever see them now, especially since I came out to them, so things still feel a bit awkward. Plus I don't wanna put my problems on them cus they've got their own problems with work, and I know they'd feel helpless cus we're apart and there's nothing they can do to help me. And the only guy I can speak to, it's like whenever we talk I try and be someone I'm not, all confident and cocky, and I feel like I'm messing up our friendship. I don't know hwy I'm writing this tbh, just having a vent I guess. Just feeling so low, like the world is carrying on around me, but I can't interact, I'm just watching and having no effect.
When I was in college and I ended up just staring at my laptop thinking about things, I knew I was never going to get anything done! So, i would leave the environment for awhile, take a walk around campus & listen to music or go work out in the gym. Instead of forcing yourself to get something done when you mind needs to be stimulated in some other way.
Well, your never truly alone (*hug*) As long as you have an internet connection, I will be here along with the rest of EC. Pop in chat and visit us, write on some walls, join in on some of the games forum posts, pm some people, because your a member here and you belong here Its normal to have your ups and downs as your accepting and sharing your sexuality with others. Trust me, ive had my share of midnight panic attacks and friends turning on me. In real life i really only have about three close friends and none of them understand me even just a little bit. Thats the one nice thing about EC is that *generally* most people are more understanding of what your going through. That and you NEVER have to pretend to be someone your not. Show your "true colors" and you will still be accepted with open arms. About your friends though, if you truly call them "friends" then they should not be bothered if you dump some of your problems on them. Thats what friends are for! If i didnt have people to dump all my shit on, id be even more of a mental case. I know you think your helping them by bottling it up, but your not really helping anyone that way. Confide in them, share with them, and talk to them. You can make the first move. Chances all your friendships will grow tenfold if you do. Friendships were you dont confide in eachother become stale and dont grow. Friends are not just people you talk to and hang with, friends are people you can turn to when you need them and trust to be there for you. If that sounds nothing like your friends? Maybe its time to get some new ones...
Like Greg has said you are never alone. You can always chat with us here on EC. (*hug*) When I can first started to come out I was riding the emotional roller coaster. It does get better but it can get draining. Now are all of your friends go to the same university? It could be that they are getting to the end of the year and everyone is finishing up with exams and such. You may want to see if there is a LGBT group in your uni. Also look for gay meet up groups in your area. I joined a couple and had a good time,
Hi there! I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. (*hug*) As others have mentioned, we all have ups and downs. Sometimes things don't seem to fit together, or we just lose ourselves in something that doesn't make a lot of sense, but you will come out of that. Try to take a break, go for a walk and try to concentrate only on that and on your surroundings while taking the walk. Sometimes that can help a bit in trying to regain focus on other things. Studying for exams and writing them, can be stressful. Sometimes even that can have an impact on us. Although things don't seem to be going all too well at the moment, try to concentrate on the up coming exam. Doing things, including studying can help you a bit as well. Getting some studying done, and having the feeling of having made some progress could help you in gaining a bit of motivation and optimism about things. In regards to friendships, it happens that old friendships grow apart, for whatever reasons, but at times they are only temporary. Maybe try to connect more with your friends at the university. It seems that everybody is pretty busy with preparing for finals, but maybe try calling one up and ask do you wanna take a break from studying and go for a coffee? As for the friend with whom you had the argument, try talking to her. There might be a bit of an awkwardness for a little while but things will more than likely be back to normal soon. I wouldn't stop talking to her completely. She seems to be an important friend to you. If you need to talk to someone, e-mail, or call a friend from home. As Greg said, friends are here not only to have a good time with but also to be able to share things and talk about problems. Everybody has problems, but you know what? It doesn't matter. Turning to your friends for help shows them that one, you trust them and two, that you do value the friendship that you have with them. Being able to share things (no matter how serious they are) can and often does make friendships stronger. Talking with them about some of the problems that you are encountering can perhaps also help with getting over the 'awkwardness' (if there is any) since you came out. Out of curiosity, why do you think that there is awkwardness between you and your friends since you came out? Also, maybe try getting together with the guy that you are taking to, and try to be honest and open with him. Again, opening up and sharing things with him shows him that you do trust him and value his opinions, and friendship. Even if you just need someone to listen maybe try approaching him and just say, 'do you have a few minutes? I need to talk a bit.' I hope you will feel a bit better in the coming days, and good luck on your exam on Thursday! (*hug*)
Thanks guys for replying, having a major rantfest yesterday and today, guess I'm not tolerating exam stress too well. Things are just very complicated and hard at the moment, and I'm kinda running on empty. Since yesterday something's happened, I won't go into it cus it's not really relevant, but needless to say it seems like the friendships I have with the three uni friends involved have all just been completely altered, not for the better. I think I need to focus on some things before I even go about coming out to someone else. With them, I think it's just that we're so far apart that we barely see each other, so when we do, time's very limited. With other people where we have been able to interact a lot since I came out to them, there's been oppurtunity to talk about it, for them to ask me questions about it all. With them, it's not really happened. There's been little jokes (which for context is kinda how we always go about things, taking the mick out of, so that's not the issue), but beyond the odd pun, it's not really come up. I think the problem is that I know it hasnt' been talked about, what I don't know though is whether that's cus they don't want to talk about it, they don't feel they need to talk about it, or just that it hasn't come up yet. Basically it#s all going on in my head, which at this pre-exam time is like a pirhana infested toxic pond :s
