ugh -_-

Bleh, I am so wiggy right now, I can barely just friggin sit here.
Thanks in advance for regarding...whatever this turns out to be

I have this friend. Kind of. She's like...we're reeeally close in the sence that we can see almost completely eye-to-eye. But at the smae time, we're really distant.
She's often suicidal, and I try not to be too overbearing about it. Just kinda talking her through it without pissing her off even more. She has depression and has been seeing a therapist for a few months now, clearly without results.

Every so often, when we're talking just like the psychos we are, she'll bring up someone I've never heard of, nameless. It strikes me as kind of weird...having her talk about someone she enjoys the company of that I can hardly imagine. It makes me feel like we're seeing eachother through a veil for a while...and I think she knows it.
It's so strange a feeling that she could talk about someone in such detail that I had no idea even existed. She tells me such deep things about this person. And it makes me suspicious...(I'm....cynical?)
Honestly, I'm the kind of person that will pull a name out of thin air and spew some shit about this persons beliefs, which are really my own, just to see the reactions of a close person...so that I can protect myself from a bad response.
That's pretty pathetic, honestly. But not unheard of. Especially while trying to communicate with people whose judgement you're afraid of.
But it ultimately fails. They already know who you are. So you're really just afraid about how their image of you will change.

(If you're still reading, you are a saint.)

So about a month ago, a few days before the Day of Silence, I ask her if she'll participate this year.
She accepts, because her friend is a lesbian...again, a nameless friend.

I honestly feel like at this point, we can't get any closer if we're so afraid of eachother, and recently I've been trying to spend as much time with her and be as kind as possible (again, not to an annoying point...) to see if she could maybe tell me somthing. I've only been hearing about what she's content with, and what bothers her, not about who she is. And honestly, I really like her. really, REALLY LIKE her.

But I really don't want to just out and ask her if she's a lesbian...She seems so frail all the time, I'm afraid to ask her somthing so personal, or to tell her somthing that could completely distort her image of me to the point that she feels that she's lost somone.

So the whole point is, if I tell her that I'm a lesbian, or if she finds out at all, I'm afraid she might...break. or somthing. We're really super close...and there's always that possiblity that one tiny thing could destroy it all. The last thing I'd want is to lose her completely. Soooo I guess that's my issue here.

I guess i'm just not putting two and two together. Or maybe I'm underestimating her.
The question is, to ask or not to ask, to tell, or not to tell. To wait or move on.

I officially worship you if you actually read this far