Okay this is a rant that I'm doing because I'm bored and don't want to go to bed even though I do at the same time lol. Okay so my mom always says she's so worried about me in the real world thinking that I'll be taken advantage of (sexual wise -_-) because I can't judge people. The thing is it is completely her fault that this could happen (although I am learning to judge people better). Constantly there are times where I want to go out with friends, and sometimes they are friends who mom has never heard of before, so as soon as I tell her who she asks how I know them, etc etc, and of course I can't tell them through facebook because then Mom would definitely keep me from going. I understand my mother is worried about me and just wants to keep me safe, but she practically has me on a very tight leash. The only people she lets me go with out is like those I've known for like ages, not ones who I just start talking about outta the blue. It gets so annoying because I fear she'll be the same way in university, and all the fun of what university is will drift away as it did for high school. When I came out two years ago then went back in the closet, she freaked, and continously brings it up in almost every argument we have, not every talk but argument, which leads me to believe she knows im still gay and im not gonna change but is still going through the total denial and won't talk to me about it because I'm to scared to admit it for fear of being almost kicked out again or actually being kicked out this time. But none the less, this coming year I am going to make probably many friends, a majority I assume will be gay, but the thing is how am I going to partake in any events. I really need help here as to how I can talk to my mom about this letting go issue. We chatted a bit about it thursday but didn't really go anywhere. Any advice that anyone could give would be much appreciated.
Hey Revan! Well firstly you seem to have two problems: (1) - your continues to maintain extreme control over your life, despite the fact that you're 19. (2) - There's a high chance that coming out to your mum again could result in you being kicked out of home again. (1) This is a problem, especially when it comes to meeting new, gay friends (a vital part of being gay, I believe). But lucky for you there are a few options available to you. [=]Since you're going into university, chances are your mum will 'back off' (assuming you're still living at home to attend). Obviously I don't know your mum, but university is usually one of those times where your independence shines threw, and you tend to break away from your parents' a bit. If she doesn't back off herself, try being more independent; that is, try to rely on her less. Need a lift somewhere? Take the bus. Need money? Get a part time job. These sort of things show her that you're now an adult and in time she'll she that you need to live your life as one. [=]What is the situation like with your dad? Is he just as strict as your mum? If not, it may be possible asking him for permission to go out etc. But unfortunately parents tend to band together, and I wouldn't be surprised if he said "ask your mother". [=]Driving - Do you have your license yet? Driving kind of gives you the freedom because you don't usually have to explain where you're going and its hard for your parents to track where you are. [=] Staying out after uni - If you stay out after uni with friends it usually means you avoid explaining who you're with. If uni is over and you decide to catch up with someone for coffee, you can just call your mum and say "Hey, I'm catching up with a mate from uni now, be home soon" - that way she knows they're from uni (and safe?). Besides, you're going to be meeting a lot of new people at uni whether she likes it or not. Lying - There's the option of out right lying to her. I mean - you could always tell her you're at your mates house when you're actually meeting someone from facebook. I don't recommend this as number 1 priority, but it's a possible alternative if the other options fail. Coming out to your parents: I'll keep this section quite short, but what is the situation like with your dad? I noticed you've said youre not out to him either, but you didn't mention how you think he'd take it if you came out to him (again?). Is he any better than your mum? Regardless, if you seriously think that they are likely to kick you out of home, then don't come out to them while you're still financially dependent on them; especially if you have no alternative living arrangements (like a friend's place or relative). I really hope things work out for you! Let us know how they turn out.
Dave has some great points, but I am somewhat in disagreement here. From my viewpoint, you're 19 years old and in university (strange for me to phrase it like that...), so it might be time for you to stand up and take the reins of your own life here. Mom doesn't like who you're going out with? Tough shit! She can get over it. You're old enough now to be making your own decisions, and if your mother isn't going to back off enough to let you do it, then you need to take the initiative for yourself here. Having witnessed this same thing happen with a number of my friends, I can tell you that what is likely to happen if you continue on as you have been is that eventually you're going to get bitter toward your mom for her exercising too much control, and she's going to get angry with you as you start to get bitter with her, and the resulting mixture of volatile emotion will explode violently. In the case of my friend (we'll call him Bob), it started out with his mom not letting him go anywhere in high school, then having him commute over an hour each day to college rather than letting him get an apartment, then reporting his car (that was in her name) as stolen when he came home a few hours late. And that was the final straw. Bob and his mother didn't speak for at least three years after that, and I think now they're just finally able to stand being in the same room together. So I say, take a stand and nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of control.
Don't forget though, that Revan is most likely still financially dependent upon his mum. "Cracking the shits" at her isn't going to help his position I don't think - especially as I'm sure his mum justifies her control with the phrase "well as long as you live in this house you live by our rules". That's why I think taking this calmly at first is the best approach
Being financially dependent upon my parents is the only thing that keeps me from telling them to go and look after their own business. It really sucks, especially when you're 18 plus and there's no way for you to get out of your house soon (which is my case - can't work due to my class schedule)
Yeah I'm dependant on my parents...It's really hard though as oyu put it to meet other gay men....but keep posting in this thread. I want lots of suggestions, and thanks guys and girls who may answer in the future or have already.
