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Getting over a guy

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by starbucksshoote, May 15, 2009.

  1. starbucksshoote

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    I've mentioned on this blog before that I started coming out about six months ago, moved to a new city, and started a new job.

    I initially stayed at friend's house, and then he and I moved into an apartment.

    Typical straight-crush story - I was attracted to him and found him to be both interesting and caring. He is my friend, but is a long-term relationship with his girlfriend, and is very much straight.

    While I can't say for certain - because it's never happened to me before - I am almost certain that what started as a crush became more than that. I fell in love with him.

    Over the past several months, I had convinced myself that I had moved on from that, and that it was no longer the case.

    However, recent events have now convinced me that this isn't the case, and that I am still in love with him, and am hurting a lot because it will never be reciprocated.

    This isn't his fault - in fact, he goes out of his way to be kind and understanding about this (he knows that I have had feelings for him, but he doesn't know the extent of those feelings), but I seem unable to shake this problem.

    I had assumed that after a few months, my crush would fade, and things would be okay. This hasn't happened.

    He is moving out at the end of the summer and moving to another city - I'm worried that when that happens I won't be able to cope with his absence.

    I am old enough to know that life isn't always fair - it rarely is - and that he can't help being straight anymore than I can help being gay (and even if he were, it isn't at all a sure thing that he would like me in that way). But this remains cold comfort at this time, and while true, doesn't make me feel in any way better.

    My friends are supportive - they can see the struggle this has been - and they want to help, but like me, they really don't know what to do about it.

    Anyways, this has been a tough couple of days - his girlfriend is visiting (she's from out of town) which is always a tricky time for me. I usually make myself scarce during these times as I'm afraid I might say something out of jealousy.

    I guess it's just something to slog through - I appreciate having this forum to voice my thoughts and feelings though.
     
  2. Jim1454

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    You need to accept it. Accept that he's gay. Accept that you're never going to have a relationship with him. Be grateful for your friendship and the support it has offered you in these difficult times. Say these things out loud if you have to in order to start convincing yourself.

    What else? Get out there and meet other people. Expand your circle of friends. Meet some people that ARE gay, and see if you can develop a friendship with them. Because you're likely to come across a gay guy, who IS available, that is interesting and caring and understanding. He's out there. You just need to put yourself out there too!

    Good luck.
     
  3. Eleanor Rigby

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    I'm truly sorry you are having a hard time (*hug*)
    That's something common to fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back, but that doesn't make things any easier when it happens to you. The fact that he is your friend and cares about you doesn't help a lot. It might even be the reason why you crush didn't fade away with time as it would have happened with a random guy.
    You are aware of the main problem : he is straight, you are not, and neither him or you can change that. So I guess there is nothing else for you to do than trying to cope with it, and I completly understand that it must be terribly painful.
    I think the fact he is moving out at the end of the summer is a good thing. You can't stay this way forever and as painful as it would be in first place, not having him around will help you to heal.
    Maybe you can start to put some space between you, such as it would be less painful for you when he'll finaly move out.
    I know you are having a hard time, but fortunatly, time heals a lot of things. It can take a while, but you'll finaly move on and find someone you'll love and who will be able to love you back. Until there, it is good that you have supporting friends around. Even if they can't really help, they could provide comfort and a shoulder to cry on and there is nothing more important when you're having a heartbreak.
    Anyway, if you want someone else to talk about that, feel free to PM me or contact me on my wall anytime.
    I wish you all the best, (*hug*) Eleanor
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! Getting over a crush and something that is more than a crush is never easy. We can't control whom we are falling for. But know that you will get through this and you will come out of it at the other end perhaps a bit stronger. Even though these kinds of events are hard, and as odd as it might sound but we do learn from them.

    As Jim mentioned, if it helps you, remind yourself that he is straight. Remind yourself that you can and will get over him.

    Try to get to know others. Try maybe to join a LGBT support/social group where you will have the chance to get to know others as well. Try to make some or more friends within the LGBT community. Try to spend more time with your friends. Often, trying to concentrate on other things and trying to keep our mind occupied helps in starting to move on. Maybe him moving out, might help you to move on as well as this will create distance between the two of you. The more you get to know others, and spend time with your friends, the better you will be able to cope with him moving away.

    Although he will move away, you still have a friend in him.

    I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
  5. 3104

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    I can strangely relate actually. But it is not nearly to the extent of what you may be going through. I live with three other roommates, all of whom are good-looking nice straight guys. I don't like any of them in 'that' way though.

    Last December, I found out that one of my roommate's older brothers would be living with us. I DID like him in 'that' way.

    For January of this year and part of February, it was nice to have this guy around. I liked it when i came home and he would be there. When he went to visit his folks, which he did often, I would anticipate his return.

    He and I also had a few nice, one-on-one conversations. He knew that I was at least questioning my sexuality, but he did not know that HE was one of the guys I found very attractive. and the great personality to go with it only made him more attractive.

    But yes, it was very evident that he was very heterosexual, so nuthin' doin' for me.
    He left awhile ago and I have not seen him for some time, but I really doesn't bother me in the slightest.

    I understand, once again, that what you are going through is pretty serious, much more than what I went through with this guy so I could not offer a solve-all solution. But what I can say kind of goes along with some of the advice above. When your friend leaves, or perhaps even better BEFORE he leaves, you could start actively joining social groups you are interested in, including LGBT or others. If you like tennis, see if there is a local tennis club, If you like bowling league, join a local league. You get the picture.

    As you start getting to know other people, you may be surprised at how little you are concerned about your crush on your current roommate. He will always be your friend, and you may always be attracted to him, but I think our concious does this funny thing where we concern ourselves with what is constantly physically in front of us: like a roommate. Remove the stimulus and those feelings subside at lease somewhat. Who knows, as you get to meet others, you will most likely find someone else that you also find attractive and perhaps their sexuality is more in line with yours.

    Anyways, this is kind of long for just a response, but
     
  6. 3104

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    hahaha I just posted without finishing the last sentence. wow, need to go to bed I think...
     
  7. paco

    paco Guest

    these people all tend to have pretty good advice so i'll agree with them, and try to offer my own little speel on the matter

    i sorta recently had a huge straight crush too despite everything i tried to stop it. caused me mental anguish and even physical pain every day just knowing he was around and knowing i never had a chance with him. i actually slipped into the most serious depression of my life. anyway, i found out he was leaving and moving back home to the other side of the country where i would never see him again, and for a couple days i felt extremely empty. but then, surprisingly quickly, i just got over it. moving away will probably hurt you at first, but not having his presence in your life constantly reminding you of what you dont have might actually have a healing effect on your emotions--you may think about him occasionally but the sharp pain you feel now will be dull and far away and you can easily let it go. i know it hurts now to even think about letting him go, but just know that it wont bother you as much as you fear.

    i hope i dont sound insensitive, and i know i'm no guru of the heart, but i hope you can feel better about all of this.
     
    #7 paco, May 18, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2009