Hey everyone, Sorry in advance if this is a little scatter brained... I'm kinda freaking out. So I'm seeing this guy right now and sometimes he's really sweet and I feel like he wants to connect with me on a emotional/mental level and other times when I feel like he's just after some action which I feel almost the entire time. I hate that feeling and considering this is my first "relationship" (nothing has really been said yet that would define it) I really just don't want things to end up just having it be a fling. In all honesty, I haven't gotten to know him too well so it might be too soon to judge someone this way, but I feel like I shouldn't ignore this feeling I have about it. When I first started talking to him he said he wasn't ready for sex yet, which is one of the reasons I agreed to see him. I want my first time to mean something and it won't if its with someone that doesn't think its more than a physical thing. He said he isn't ready for sex, yet he's talked about it before and it seemed like he wanted it at the time, which worries me. I don't think he'll try anything until I say I'm ready, but I don't want to say I'm ready later down the road and then be left high and dry afterward. He knows I'm not ready for it and he said whenever I'm ready, which also seems like he is wanting it ASAP by the way he said it instead of being supportive to me. When we're making out I will do stuff that I feel is sensual and more than just "oh this feels good I'll go with it" but he hardly ever does something that I would consider to be more than just "this feels good." The kind of stuff he says also makes me feel like he's just trying to get through my shell so I'm more willing. I also feel like he doesn't really listen to what I say. I told him that things were going a bit fast for me and he said he understood that and about 20 minutes later he started making out with me and practically feeling me up. Something else that bothers me... I've been going to his place and he has yet to find out exactly where I live, but he talks to me about it all the time. He just doesn't seem interested in doing stuff that isn't at my house since that's all he talks about when we talk about doing something that isn't at his place. I'm pretty hesitant on bringing him here because of that way he's treating it. I'm lost and I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just over analyzing the situation because its the first time I've had to think about it. What if I'm just being paranoid and when I break it off I hurt him? I guess that would be life, but I would hate to do that especially if it isn't the case here. Opinions and advice on the situation would be amazing.
Random thoughts as they come to me. >>>He knows I'm not ready for it and he said whenever I'm ready, which also seems like he is wanting it ASAP I wouldn't read too much into this. I think he's said the right thing - that he'll be ready when you're ready. He's basically said, "If you decide you're ready, just let me know." >>>When we're making out I will do stuff that I feel is sensual and more than just "oh this feels good I'll go with it" but he hardly ever does something that I would consider to be more than just "this feels good." I'm not entirely sure I understand here. Could you go into a bit more detail? Just give an example of something that's "more sensual" and something that's "just this feels good"? >>>I told him that things were going a bit fast for me and he said he understood that and about 20 minutes later he started making out with me and practically feeling me up. This isn't a good sign, but then again, it takes two to tango. If you told him he's going too fast, and then he makes another play for you, stop it. Push him away. Say, "I TOLD you this was going too fast. Not now, OK?" >>>In all honesty, I haven't gotten to know him too well so it might be too soon to judge someone this way. And here's your major problem. I think you need to stop making out, and revert him to friend status. This will give you a chance to get to know him better. IF he doesn't seem interested in much beyond making out, then I think that gives you all the information you need. Lex
Thanks for the advice, Lex. I was feeling like I needed to revert back to friend status so I'm glad you said that. I realize I need to be more forceful when it comes to it going too fast and tell him to stop when he does something that is too much for me right now. As for the sensual stuff... I think I might have just been putting too much thought on it and it seemed that way, but now that I think about it more I don't think my previous statement holds.
I also agree that lexington has given you some great advice. Things can get very complicated because what your heart wants and what your sexual drive is after can be completely different things. Particularly if neither of you has been in a serious sexual relationship, the feelings can be really confusing. So it may be that he is content to wait, but his sexual drive gets sort of "amped up" when you start cuddling or touching; just lightly touching someone can trigger extremely erotic and arousing feelings, so even if it's intended to be something very pleasant, it can unintentionally "turn up the heat." The other thing is... very often in relationships, people start out on the same page ("Let's both wait before we're sexual") but then one person moves to a different stage a lot more quickly than the other, and so you end up in very different places, but the person who now wants more may not feel comfortable talking about it or admitting it. I like the idea of dialing things down a bit and giving both of you some time. Communication is always difficult in these situations, but just putting what you feel out there to him might encourage him to feel more open to you as well. I admire you for taking your time and letting your first experience be special. I think too many people rush into it just for the sensation and thrill of it, and I think you'll really appreciate the experience more when you do decide it's the right time.
