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Outed WithOut Consent

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by aerwolfen, May 17, 2009.

  1. aerwolfen

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    I work the evening shift,came out to a few co-workers to make my life alittle easier for myself especially when you work along side 8 and a half hours of your life with these guys,just being honest to them was the right way to go,I came out to a guy at the night shift,who i suspected being gay for a long while and a small crush on as well,.
    my crush co-worker found out that i told a few people about myself,felt awkward about me talking with him fear of being outed by association, decided to tell his shift co-workers about himself and spilling the beans about me, he got favorable respones for himself but at the same time i have become the main topic of the gossip pool of the nightshift, who will now talk with the very red neck day shift guys, soon because of it i will be now outed by all at work, and i'm not very pleased at all,.
    Am i wrong to feel this way,? now i feel like i need to look over my shoulder to await sneers and negative attitudes from co-workers i never work alongside with,mostly consisting with the older generation of employees that don't appreciate change, i feel mad at my gay co-worker for taking the spotlight off him and deflecting it to me to lesson the blow from himself, i feel my trust has been taken advantaged of,.
    He says he is proud of me for taking the first steps,and making it easier for him to come out forward,he has great support from his buddies,its just makes me mad because i kept his secret,i felt it was not my place to out someone else without their consent,he told me this on a friday night,and it was known by the past monday.the two other co-workers i told about myself kept it contained to about 5 people,all that worked on the same shift, but now these other guys not sworn to secret will most likely spread like wild fire.I'm still in shock, feeling very betrayed, partially mad,instead of celebrating a decision that really should of been mine to make.I'm sorry not sure on what my next move is to be,still feeling quite numb.Do i have a right to be mad,? should i say something to him or just it work its course,? not much he can change things now,.Does he not realize how he would feel if the whole place heard about him,then finding out it was me that started it.?
    He really has crushed my crush on him,what a way to spend a long weekend.
     
  2. marri

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    well the beginning of that was confusing, but I got it...
    I think you have a right to be mad, my close friends have, lately, been telling people about me, ''accidentally'' and it really irritates me, even though I like it when people know, I guess the loss of power scares me, since there are some people I don't want knowing.
    but I don't think its necessary to tell him that you're mad at him, I think you will learn that its not a big deal, its sort of like when you're stuck wearing a shirt you hate, and you think every one will notice and hate it too.. but eventually you realise that no one has even thought about it
    although I understand and relate to the fact that this is more serious than a shirt, I still think you should let it go the way its going, being out is better than being in anyway,
    its a lot freer
     
  3. Lexington

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    You have every right to feel as you do, but it's done. The main thing now it what to do now. And I'd say just keep living your life. Just go on the assumption now that everybody knows. In a sense, that might make things easier - you won't have to worry about who knows and who doesn't. And you won't have to worry about Mr Crush being a source of distraction anymore. :slight_smile: My guess is you won't run into that much homophobia - after all, after your co-workers learned that there's not one but two gays in their midst, they might start wondering how many more there might be...

    Lex
     
  4. paco

    paco Guest

    ^^agree, you have the right to be mad of course, it was your decision to make and it is extremely frightening when people out you, even with permission, to others that you arent sure will accept you. but when you think about it, what do those co-workers matter anyway? you dont see them, and your real friends see through any gossip they have.

    what's unfortunate is that since you were outed unwillingly, it means you weren't mentally ready to come out because you weren't comfortable enough with it yourself yet, and now you have to deal with your own insecurities while you deal with other people. so what needs to happen for this to be alright for you is that you should just try to forget social expectations of sexuality, who needs them? what good do they do? being gay isn't bad, its just not the majority. most people actually do accept that or can with a little explaining, good people anyway, and who cares about the rest cause they're too close minded to hold a valid place in your life anyway--the plus side of being gay is that you can tell who's a douchebag immediately and not have to deal with them.

    oh and as for staying mad, while you have it in your rights, try not to, its not worth it to hold grudges, it sounds like he's as conflicted as you, and he did the wrong thing, but who hasn't once or twice? holding grudges focuses on pain anyway, its easiest to get over that if you get over the anger. be easy.
     
    #4 paco, May 17, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2009
  5. Mickey

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    Wow,Paco,great post! You said it all! I have to agree,he was wrong,but staying mad will do no good. I've been outed before and,yeah,I was pissed,until I realized I was done a real favor. It just(eventually) made it easier to come out and stay out.
    All the best to you. Things will be okay.
     
  6. aerwolfen

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    thanks everyone,i guess mad might of been a strong word,dissappointed is my real feelings at the moment,but yes having that lack of control is upsetting,perhaps your all right and things will get better,time will tell,thanks for listening.
     
  7. Alex19

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    i dont think its wrong for u to feel that way. some ppl get upset when other ppl out them w/o thier consent. for me, i really dont care. hell, it takes a weight off my shoulders.