So my family is a huge mess. You can't put all for of us in the same room without us fighting over something and someone always walks away hurt or upset. Yet we stick together and keep being a "family". I have come to except it, but it is still really hard to handle when I think about how we used to seem so happy together. That thought always makes me want and hope for the best and think that some day we might get along better and we should just stick out the hard stuff. In the other hand, many times I think my parents should just split up and life would be much more pleasent. I have been talking through all of this conflicting feelings with my youth minister and many of my friends. The other night my parents foynd out that I had been meeting with my minister. The night they found out, yesterday, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night and told me we needed to talk. I told her that I was just talking to her because it is nice to talk to someone on the outside about some of the problems. However, that answer must not be enough cuz my mom said we would have another talk the next day, today. I don't know if she wants to know what I tell my minister, or how I am feeling, or my opinion on their relationship ( which I don't feel is my business to deal with even if they are my parents) if she does ask me what I think they should do should I say it is none of my business or should I tell them how I really feel. If I tell them I want them to divorce and they do and it goes wrong it will be all my fualt. Sometimes I feel like I am wimping out and should take a stand and other times I don't feel like I should have to deal with their problems ( although they have overtime become mine too). If my mom does sit me down and force my into a convo about any of this should I go with saying this is not my place and it is your problem to deal with and not mine. You need to be the parent and I need to be the kid. Or should I tell what I honestly feel and my opinions, but risk influencing the outcome and also become more involved in a mess I want to say out of. There might be not enough info or backstory for anyone to really help, but if any one has any advice or just calming words i could use them. Thanks and sorry If there are mistakes. I have to use my iPhone. :help:
Hang in there, everything will be okay. =) Divorce is tough. I don't know your family situation, but judging from what you've written, it seems like divorce is at least a possibility. If you have to have that awkward parent/child divorce talk, just be honest with them about how you feel, and about how you feel about their happiness. If they do get divorced, it doesn't mean they love you any less. Don't worry about influencing the outcome -- you're their daughter and they love you, and you're already a big factor in the outcome. Above all, don't take the blame for anything that happens to your parents on yourself -- none of it is your fault, they're adults. My parents divorced when I was 13, and it was really tough, but in the long run it was better for the both of them and helped my sister and I grow up. If you ever need to talk about it, please pm me -- I've been through the whole cycle, and it can really be hard. I think it's good to keep talking to your youth minister too -- having a neutral but caring person who's willing to listen to and comfort you is so wonderful. As far as calming words... here's a big hug (((Prccgeek))), and it's all going to be okay. You're loved and fabulous and it'll be okay =)
One of the biggest mistakes parents make in any sort of disagreements they are having with each other is to triangulate the children into the situation. Often this is done out of desperation, more commonly by the mother than the father, and because the parent either feels they have no one else to turn to, or because they are seeking an ally. In either case, it's never good for the children. I think it's quite reasonable for you to say that you cannot and will not take sides in the matter, don't wish to discuss their issues because you have your own stresses and things to think about, and need for them to not act out around you. Yes, you're sort of reversing the roles while saying that, but I know of at least a couple of people your age who have done this and, with one or two reminders, it was very effective in setting a boundary that, for the most part, the parents then followed through on. As for offering your opinions and trying to mediate or offering your opinion... I would suggest against it, at least for the moment. You're likely to end up having one parent feeling left out or put upon, and even if it is mostly his or her problem, it really shouldn't be your role to try and play counselor. You can suggest or encourage them to see a couples counselor, and if the opportunity arises, you can go to a session with the counselor and share your feelings there, because the counselor will help ensure that the feelings are addressed and processed.
All you should tell your mom is how you feel. Don't offer suggestions. Don't take sides. But tell her honestly how you feel - when they are fighting, when they are not fighting, when you're with your youth minister, etc. Let your mom know how you're feeling and the impact it's having on you. She might just be nervous about what you have shared. If you have 'aired dirtly laundry' with your youth minister, you should be honest and tell your mom what kind of stuff you've talked about. (Are they trying to keep up appearances in public like there's nothing wrong?)
Yeah, they do try to make it seem luke there is nothing wrong, but that is getting harder and harder. My dad would never admit that anything is wrong and actually has become extremely antisocial in just trying to stay away from people and not showing that our family is "weak". My mom seems to be giving up over time cuz she can't fake it all the time and is constantly having to cover when my dad is missing at everything he used to be involved in. By not going to things he has made it even more obvious that things are going wrong.she has vented to a few people, but mostly she tried to vent to me. Awkward! Yes I feel your pain cuz I am in this mess too, but the man you constantly destroy in our convos is my dad and no matter how bad he gets he is still my dad!!! It is hard to listen to.
Whoa! Your mom should NOT be venting to you. That is very inappropriate, and you should tell her. Seriously. Tell her that you are NOT her therapist, you are her daughter. And you are her husband's daughter as well. And you do NOT need to be involved in their problems. Suggest that she (and your dad) get counselling - individually and as a couple. Then, as hard as it might be, try to go about your business. If you want to go to something even though your dad doesn't, then go. If you'd rather not go somewhere even though your mom wants to put on appearances, then don't. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It's not uncommon for marriages to fail. There are a lot of things at play that even you aren't aware of. But it isn't your job to help them or intervene or take sides. It's your parents' jobs to take care of you and support you DESPITE their personal problems. Good luck. PM me any time you want to chat, ok?
