Err... I think I need to split up with my boyfriend of six months. He has no idea, and is expecting me to propose. I don't know what to do; I'm quite sure now that I only got with him because he was the first gay man to show an interest, and now I am physically repulsed by him. Bedtime feels like rape. I am so afraid of loneliness, and I really don't want to hurt him, but I'm completely unattracted to him. It's led me to self-harm and anorexia. The only plus side is it's helped me come out. I've asked him for space, and he agreed, but I don't think he understands what I mean because he keeps texting and ringing me! So... should I break things off, or should I stay in this secure relationship which is at least sincere on one half? How do I do it? Can someone help? I feel thoroughly alone. Sorry; I'm not normally so teenagery or so emotional. Someone I know will probably read this. I just need advice, please! And if I can help you in return, I promise to do that. I think it's time I started making friends on this website :lol:
If this relationship is causing you so much stress and unhappiness, it'd be much healthier for you to leave than to try and force yourself to stay. Clearly he doesn't understand what you mean when you say you want space, so I think it's time to be a little clearer about it. He needs to know that you don't think the relationship has a future, and you need to be direct about it - to his face or in a letter, but it hs to be clear.
If you feel so uncomfortable in your relationship that you have started to hurt yourself, that clearly means it's not good for you and you should stop it. And in a way, it would be better for your boyfriend aither, because he needs to be with someone who really loves him and not someone who pretends. He'll probably be hurt, but it's better know than in an other 6 months. I'll be more worried about you. The fact you don't feel fine in your relationship is a reason in itself to feel down, but self harming and anorexia are big troubles. Maybe you are not only facing troubles in your relationship but also have troubles with yourself. If you steel feel depressed and have tendencies to harm yourself or eating trouble disorders after you'll have end your relationship, it would be better to talk about this with a doctor or a counselor. Take care, Eleanor
I agree with the other posters above. You might not want to hurt him by breaking up with him, but if you let this go on longer and longer, it's only going to make the eventual breakup harder. I'm afraid there is no elegant way to do this. I really do believe that being honest here is the best approach. Otherwise you risk ending up in a situation where you're toying with his emotions. Perhaps you should try to tell him that it's not really anyone's fault. From what you tell, it seems as if he's sincere about it, and you went in a bit ill-advised. These are just the things that happen in life. Just remember that heving no relationship is better than having one that drives you to self-abuse.
It's Reba McEntire that sings in one of her hurtin' country songs that "If I have to be lonely, I'd rather be lonely alone." It sounds like that's where you are. And that's OK. You weren't expected to be in love forever the first guy that you had a crush on. In fact, many of us have shared here (me included) that the first guy we had a crush on was SO WRONG for us that is isn't funny! And why? Well, I think it's because we are overwhelmed by the emotions that we experience when we first open up to another gay man. We are able to relate to this person better than anyone else in our entire lives, and it feels really good. But often that 'first person to come along' isn't the BEST person. Get it over with. Tell him that you're no longer happy in the relationship. Tell him that you're sorry, and that you appreciate what he's done for you, but that it's over. It doens't have to end badly - although it soulds like it's going to. But it's only been 6 months. You don't need to feel guilty about this. You've grown and you've learned and you're now ready to move on. Good luck!
>>>So... should I break things off, or should I stay in this secure relationship which is at least sincere on one half? Yeah, it's secure. So are handcuffs. Break it off. Totally. Tell him you're sorry, but you just don't feel it anymore. You've given it time, and tried to rekindle it, but it just isn't happening. You're now only staying with it because you fear being alone, but you feel he needs to find someone who actually likes him in return. There'll be tears, and accusations, and anger, and all the rest. Anticipate it, but hold firm. Lex
If bedtime feels more like rape, and your not really "into him" ... My own feelings would be to end the relationship now, not later. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes. I have been on both sides of this situation, I once dumped a guy after a few months because things just didn't work out between us, and I've been dumped myself by another guy, after we had been together for over a year. But don't be discouraged, you'll find the right one, it just may take a bit more time.
Here's the thing... There will be pain no matter what, so the trick is to find the one that will have the least and non-lasting pain. If you continue in this relationship, you're not only causing yourself pain, but you're essentially stringing him along. When the relationship fails (and given what you've described it will eventually), it will hurt him a lot more and be a lot more lasting. It will make him and you less trusting, as he'll be scared of getting hurt and you'll be scared of putting yourself in another relationship like this. I would recommend that you down and have a serious conversation with him. I don't think you need to go into the whole anerexia/self-harm aspects, as honestly, that would seem like you're laying it on really thick and just trying to hurt him. But, explain that you're just not feeling it as much as he is, and that continuing on will hurt both of you because you're not feeling it and he deserves someone that loves him as fully as he loves you. And yes, the end of that conversation is breaking up with him. Not only is there no rule that says you have to stay with the first person you have a relationship with forever, but in many ways, it's likely better if you don't. You won't have learned exactly what you want in a relationship, or how to make a relationship work, or what you like and don't like in a partner. In any relationship, both partners deserve nothing less than the absolute love of the other.
Well. I said I wanted to split up. He took it very very very badly. He's alone in his house for the bank holiday weekend, and has been drinking and doing silly things to himself. He is being extremely clingy and keeps making me come round. I have to go because I don't want him to hurt himself. I refuse to stay the night, but one night he physically would not let me leave. The anorexia really isn't important, nor is the fact that I'm not sleeping; I'm really worried about him. What do I do?
Then in what aspect have you broken up, if every time he calls, you go over? And every time he leaves, he stops you? He's now keeping your around by using self-harm ("If you leave, I'll..."). Different technique, same effect. You can provide support, but from afar. You can suggest other people he can talk to, you can suggest where he can get some emotional support. But you cannot break up with him AND be his caretaker. Lex
Lex is right he has you were he want you you need to stand for yourself and not let him get to you if you broke it off then stop going over there you can talk to him but not were he has the control you are in control and as long as you let him do this you will never really be free. we are here to support you so keep head up and be strong
OK, this will sound a little harsh, but please understand it isn't intended that way. It's intended as a "reality check" If he isn't putting a gun to your head, he isn't *making* you come round. You're choosing to do so. If you are seriously worried that he might hurt himself, you should call the police and have him examined by a mental health professional. You aren't really trained or equipped to handle someone who is suicidal. But my guess is that he isn't suicidal, and he's using this as a means of manipulating you to do what he wants. Again, unless he's putting a gun to your head, or otherwise is physically restraining you, and he is bigger than you are, he is not physically preventing you from leaving. If he is, you should be calling the police. It sounds like a very codependent relationship; you are enabling his behavior by always being there to "save" him, and in so doing, are giving him the power to control you and keep you in the relationship. It sounds like he needs professional help. I would encourage you to encourage him to get help; perhaps you can even help him set up an appointment with a counselor or therapist and go with him to see that he gets to the first appointment, but after that... he really needs to take responsibility for his own life. Or, depending on how old he is, perhaps his parents can help him also, but you are not his keeper, and his health is not your responsibility. If you really love and care about him, you will help him to get help, and then distance yourself from the relationship. You can keep him as a friend, but you will probably need to set very clear boundaries, and you will need to be vigilant about maintaining those boundaries, because he will try every trick in the book to violate them. He will likely become very angry, or sad, or defensive when you keep to the boundaries, but in the long term, it will be best for his emotional health. Just don't trick yourself into believing that you *have* to do anything. He has his own life to live, and if he makes a bad decision, it would be a difficult or tragic thing, but it would not be your fault. And as long as he has someone to step in and "save" him, he will have no incentive to do the work he needs to do to become an emotionally healthy person. Tough love is difficult to do, particularly for those of us that have a tendency to be caretaker types. But trust me when I say, it really is the best solution in the long term.
